Thursday, October 06, 2005

CASE #9: ROMEO + JULIET



SUBMITTED BY: JULIET
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: zero days.
INFO: Apparently they never went out... But she still had to dump him. That's funny.


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DATE: Saturday, September 24, 2005 9:33 AM
FROM: ROMEO
TO: JULIET
SUBJECT: can't help it


Dear Juliet:

You are easily one of the most amazing people I have ever met. For me to fall this hard, in such a short time is a definite accomplishment. You are smart, BEAUTIFUL, funny, talented and most of all you know what you want and are prepared to go for it. That's special. I just have a few nagging questions I need answered so I can try to move along and stop bugging you and Sally and my poor buddy Simon. I really need you to be BRUTALLY HONEST in your answers, no obscure video game references.

Are there feelings there?
Why such an interest in the state of my marriage?
FRIENDS?
Will we ever see each other again?
Are the things you told Sally ie. "definitely someone I would date if he were single" true?
Why a friend with benefits for three years and not a boyfriend?


I feel like a teenage girl, right down to the rapid weight loss (15lbs in 2 wks) who the hell needs Eat Right for Your Blood Type. Anyway as you can probably tell I am an Email spazzzz, and don't know what I'm doing, it wasn't supposed to be this long but it's too late now because I don't know how to erase it. Sorry. It's O.K. to Email me back. I really just have one thing left to tell you and by no means is it meant to make you uncomfortable, I hope it makes you feel as good as you've made me feel the last couple of weeks. I believe that there are maybe one or two people for everyone that are THE ONE, your soulmate, they may not be perfect people but they are PERFECT for that person and they may never find this person, but I truly believe I have found this person.
Romeo

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DATE: Saturday, September 24, 2005 1:07 PM
FROM: JULIET
TO: ROMEO
CC: SALLY & SIMON
SUBJECT: Re:can't help it


Romeo:
Please read the following statements slowly. I really want what I have to say to you to sink in. Ready? Here we go:

1) It is NOT alright for you to call my home without my permission.
2) It is NOT alright for you to lie to Sally about deleting my phone number from your cell phone or to take it off the driving directions she left behind.
3) It is NOT alright to call my home and hang up at ten o'clock at night.
4) It is NOT alright to email me, NOT once, but TWICE.
5) It is NOT alright to harass my friend, Sally about me on an almost daily basis.

Romeo, you and I shared pleasant conversation at a mutual friend's wedding.
NOTHING more and NOTHING less. There is absolutely NOTHING between you and I. There NEVER was and there NEVER will be. EVERYTHING you find appealing about me, you LACK. This is the MAIN reason(s) why I am not interested you, among other things - most notably, your STALKERISH qualities. You being married w/ kids has very little to do with why I am not interested in you. If you had told me you were separated from your wife at the wedding, it still would NOT have made a difference in how I feel about you - which is to say nothing. I feel NOTHING for you romantically or otherwise. What I feel is hostility towards you because you are now harassing me like an obsessed fan. And now comes the part where I answer your nagging questions that have "prevented you from moving on", which is an outrageous statement to make considering I have spoken to you twice in my entire life:

Are there feelings there?

NO.

Why such an interest in the state of my marriage?

BECAUSE I AM ALARMED AT YOUR ATTEMPTED ACT(S) OF BORDERLINE ADULTERY.

FRIENDS?

YOU AND I ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Will we ever see each other again?

NO.

Are the things you told Sally ie. "definitely someone I would date if he were single" true?

I THOUGHT YOU SEEMED LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING (A.K.A. NOT A FREAK) WITH A HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS. SO, HAD I LIVED IN NY, MET YOU (AS I DID) AND WAS NOT SEEING ANYONE, I MAY HAVE GONE OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU TO SEE IF I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER. OBVIOUSLY, I NO LONGER FEEL THIS WAY.

Why a friend with benefits for three years and not a boyfriend?

MY PERSONAL LIFE AND PRIVATE LIFE IS NONE AND I REPEAT, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Regarding soulmates:
YOU ARE NOT MY SOULMATE.
I AM NOT YOUR SOULMATE.

To sum up:
1) Don't call my home.
2) Don't email me.
3) Don't send letters.
4) Don't come to my home.
5) Don't bother my friend Sally about me EVER again.

This email may seem extremely harsh and I really despise having to be harsh, but you've left me no choice. I have tried to be patient with you (as has Sally), kind to you, understanding of your feelings... BUT you just don't seem to get it and won't go away. Romeo, simply put: Leave me alone. This isn't a request; it's a
demand. Do not write me back. Your emails and calls will go unanswered.

*** Please note I have CC'd this email to Sally and Simon. ***

- Juliet

11 Comments:

Blogger Peter Collada said...

Great response! What a whacko! And he's married, too, how sick.

10:18 AM, October 20, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BWAHAHAHA
PWNED

5:22 PM, October 22, 2005  
Anonymous Foob said...

The following is based solely on the two letters.

Painful and embarassing for the poor guy.
Annoying and slightly frightening for the gal.

Funnily enough, a few decades ago, before the internet and the television, it may have been considered romantic for a guy to act this way.

Now he's a stalker.

All that aside, I'm most surprised by the two commentors before me - rather heartless really.
That's the net for you I suppose, callous.

5:53 PM, October 22, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In response to foob.

It was certainly NOT ok in any decade for a married man to behave like this.

7:58 PM, October 22, 2005  
Anonymous Foob said...

Good point.
He is seperated though... but good point.
Back in them olden days, you married for life.

Though you failed to address the emotional rigours of the people involved.

5:46 AM, October 23, 2005  
Blogger Tarek said...

That's really a funny idea :)

5:01 PM, November 01, 2005  
Anonymous Donovan Phillips said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

3:17 PM, November 02, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what...the...fuck?

7:02 AM, December 03, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She should have cc'd his wife as well.

8:42 PM, March 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

CC'd the wife HA! .. now THAT is hilarious.

9:07 PM, January 18, 2009  
Blogger Brew said...

oh man.. that was funny..

8:41 PM, February 10, 2009  

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