CASE #90: JOHN + JANE

SUBMITTED BY: John (also ended it)
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP:together for 2.5 years

INFO: relationship was rocky all the time because the girl never really had the attitude that i was the one for her. she would say so but she would not live up to it. she loved my attention and as soon as i would cool off to her level, she would be sad and say that she really loves me and she would be all emotional for 2 days and after that, back to normal. seriousiously afraid of commitment. she has serious issues with showing her emotions and talking about them.

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FROM: John
TO: Jane

Hi,

Knowing the fact that we will not see each other frequently the next 2 or 3 years, I have done everything I can to spend my time with you even if that required sacrifices on my part. I believe that I have shown you how important you are to me and that I have taken you seriously and that I would have liked to create a future together with you.

Knowing that same fact that we will not see each other for years, you have chosen to take the job in Hawaii. I am glad that you are doing what you like and find exciting, and that you are living an experience of a greater purpose and more fun than spending that time with me.

This is as clear message as it can be of your feelings and attachment and ambitions to me.

I believe that it is unfair from you to ask me to accept your choices without questioning them.

This way, you are shifting all the responsibility of our relationship over to only my shoulders to carry and leaving you with no responsibility. This leaves you with clean conscience at the end of the day thinking that you are doing nothing wrong.

It does not seem that you are willing to compromise or seek alternative solutions to your goals in order to pursue a relationship with me. Obviously, I am not that important of a factor in your life.

It simply appears that you do not see me as a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity and that you are willing to give me up to pursue any adventure. You are always talking about opportunities and things you don't want to miss out on.

You took the job in Hawaii for the thrill, nature and the opportunity to see Hawaii and you have not mentioned a single thing about Hawaii itself at all. Compared to the experience that you told me, you have made me feel completely unimportant and that you do not even think for a second that you are missing out on me.

Have you ever seen at me as an opportunity or an adventure in itself? (rhetorical question, does not need an answer).

Obviously you have no issues being separated from me and leaving me was such an easy and natural decision to you that I wonder if there is anything that I did to make you happy or to add positively to your life. It is also obvious that you would never pick me as your adventure partner.

Since you do not have a plan for the future, I am realizing that I am just your back up plan to fall back on once you are "done with fun life." You want to "seize the day," but you leave me for tomorrow. It hurts me deeply to realize this.

I have no doubt that you will continue to find adventures to keep you busy and a person with whom you will want to share your adventures and life with.