Wednesday, July 12, 2006

CASE # 59: MAN + WOMAN



SUBMITTED BY: WOMAN
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: Just Under 2 Years
INFO: March 2004, I chatted with this guy, Man, through an on line dating service. His wife had just died in January of that year, but because he said that the marriage had been rocky for the past few years and he was planning on leaving her just before she died, I decided to meet him. There was an immediate mutual connection. He was sweet, kind, funny, sensitive, loving etc, etc... for a few weeks.

As every milestone approached for him, he became withdrawn, and broke things off with me. For about a year, we dated on and off, but he broke up with me about 5 times. But he always came back.( And I always took him back- we couldn't seem to let each other go) The next day, the day after. It was never long that he could stay away.

He had been together with his wife since they were 16, 30 years with one person. I didn't expect that he would be able to wipe her out of his heart, but I kept hoping, and he kept leading me to believe that he could open his heart enough to let me in. Finally in the spring of 2005, things ended for what I thought was good. He still called and came over to visit - often with his oldest daughter Heidi (22 yrs old) in tow. There was nothing romantic going on, but it was obvious that we both still had some feelings for each other. After about 3 months of this I decided that I was ready to move on and find someone else for a romantic relationship.

July 2005, I met another guy. We were both out of on again, off again relationships, having finally given up on the other person, and deciding to get back into the dating world and give it another go.

Because my on again, off again was still coming over to my house periodically, I felt it was only respectful to let him know that I had possibly met someone who actually held some relationship potential for me. Little did I know what the reaction would be.

He went crazy. Begging me not to meet with this new guy, but to come back to him. He loved me and always had, and he wanted to marry me. The words I had been waiting for for the better part of 2 years. I told him that meeting with the new guy was something that I had to do, or I would never know.

Well, I did. For about a week. And he truly was great. But I couldn't get Man out of my mind or my heart. I apologized to the new guy, and went back to the old. Again, Man professed his undying love to me and asked me to move in with him. So, that August, I sold my house and moved with him and his two daughters into the house that he shared with his wife. To say that it was a success would be less than honest.

These e-mails start when I told him I needed to see the other person.


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DATE: July 7, 2005
FROM: Man
TO: Woman
SUBJECT: me


Now I know what I did to you, and I'm sorry. It sure feels like shit when your heart has been broken. I love you with all of my heart and always have.
I know I want to grow old with you and share every day of my life with you. I want to come home to you and wake up with you. I think you and I and ALL of our kids could grow together and you know it to. We are the perfect couple.

love you forever,
Man.
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DATE: July 8th, 2005
FROM: Man
TO: Woman
SUBJECT: The 9TH Hour (lost with out your love)


Well I'm going to do good and respect your privacy by not calling. I knew by the look in your face that there was no hope left in us being one. I am the fool for what I did to you. You were the one that new all of the right things to say, at the right time. You were the one that talked to my girls about their mom, NOT ME. My girls love you as much as I do. You were the one that offered to help me clean out the drawers and always said that she was a part of our lives that we couldn't forget. You are Woman, the one and only.

You make your parents proud, your children proud, and would have made me proud to be with. I know what the answer is going to be at the 9TH hour and I think you are going to make a big mistake. I might not be able to promise you the world but I can promise to give you all of my HEART. If your answer includes me in your life, then believe me that your life will change forever. Or should I say the 7 of us.

I'm not much for typing (how did you guess) as I am for telling and showing how I feel towards you. I Man love you Woman for better not worse and would promise to keep you, love you, and care for you and your children till the day I die.
I think it would have taken some time for our kids to know/understand each
other but the package would have been one.

I will love you forever and you will always be in my heart,
Man. xoxo


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DATE: July 9th, 2005
FROM: Woman
TO: Man
SUBJECT: Re: The 9TH Hour (lost with out your love)


Good morning,
Thank you very much for respecting my privacy. I really appreciate it. And I know that was really hard for you to do. I have never ever meant to hurt you in any way, nor do I now. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.
But I need you to respect my decision. I can't/won't call you this morning. Please don't call or come over anymore. I can't wonder if you are sitting out front of my house watching my every move. I'm sorry it had to come to this. I know you are going to think me writing you is horrible, but I just can't call you. I'm sorry I told you I would do something that I am not following through on. I thought I would be able to, but I can't listen to the hurt in your voice, and know that I caused it, and I can't change it. I need to do what I feel is the best thing for me at this moment and I need you to accept and respect my decisions, just as I always respected yours. I have to put my feelings before yours for once in this relationship. And that means not being with you. I'm sorry. Truly I am. We both seemed to be in different places when we met, and we both seem to be in different places now. Like you, I would like to be able to be friends, but sadly, I know that will never be possible. I never stopped loving you, but sometimes love isn't enough.
Please say good bye to your girls for me.
I will miss you all, but I can't be there now.
W

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DATE: July 9th, 2005
FROM: Man
TO: Woman
SUBJECT: because I love you


You are right, you need to see if there is something between you and your new friend. You take your time but just to let you know, I will wait because I love you. If at anytime it doesn't work call me and I will commit my self to you for the rest of my life. I will always love you.....Man

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INFO: So, I tried with the new guy, but I just couldn't get Man out of my heart and mind. Back I went to him. I moved in with him and his girls ( Heidi , 22 who was obsessed with her dad and Kallie, 17 ) at the end of August. I had changed literally everything in my life to be with him, and ask nothing in return. Except that he come to my parents house for Christmas dinner. He refused, claiming it was his girls who didn't want to go.


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DATE: December 5th, 2005
FROM: Woman
TO: Man
SUBJECT:food for thought


Christmas dinner just seems like the straw that broke the camels back for me.
Perhaps when you read this you will understand.
I had thought that by YOU inviting me to live with you, that you wanted me as a complete part of your life. A part of your family and that you were willing to accept me and my family as a part of yours. When does that start????
What is the defining moment that we become family since we aren't there yet???? How long do we keep the barriers up? Doesn't living together go beyond dating and friendship and bring you closer to family?

You are so bent out of shape about Paul and Sandra and her wanting him to raise her kids that are such hellians. Well, mine aren't. And they don't want you as their dad. But they would do anything for me and go anywhere I wanted to go for Christmas dinner. Just to be with me. Just like yours would. If I told mine that I didn't really want to do something, they would go along with whatever I said. Just to make me happy. Just like yours. Mine are coming here for Christmas because they want to be with me. Not because it is where they really want to be.

If you said, we are going to Woman's parents for Christmas dinner, yours would accept it. Yes, I am sure 2-3 hours would kill everyone wouldn't it? God forbid that you might change something - and for me none the less. It may be unfamiliar, but they would be with you, and me and my family. And they would be welcome and totally accepted and you could all be back at your precious house by 9 p.m.

Children learn by example. You can be stubborn and rigid and never change or adapt and that is what your children will learn, or you can embrace each new situation and adapt and make the best of it and they will too. You and your girls led me to believe that you wanted me to be a part of your family. But I guess that was just as long as I wasn't ever to ask any of you to do anything for me.

If my family weren't in town, and you invited me and my kids to have dinner with your family, we would do it. Oh, but wait. My kids probably wouldn't be invited would they? Just like they weren't at thanksgiving when your family came down. Let's keep it all separate because we aren't a family are we.

Would we have asked my family to the house for Christmas? Sure, that might have been okay, but maybe not because that might be doing something different. I guess if I am not there with my kids and family, you can go on pretending that I am not really there and things are just as they always have been. Hell, you can all even pretend that Jane (the deceased wife) is at the table with you.

Live in your dream world. Keep me at that distance. Or you can just tell me in one more way that I don't belong here with you. That you really don't want me here.
Yes, I accepted your offer to move in. And it has now been thrown in my face by both you and Heidi that I choose to do it. Neither of you has taken the time to appreciate the adjustment it has been for me and say, yes, I am sure it has been difficult to change your life entirely. NO- I get- well, you choose to do it, and we are so glad you did and as long as you can keep adjusting, everything will just be fine. Fuck no. Not an ounce of understanding.

Yes Jane died and your world changed. But you are still in your same home doing your same things in exactly your same way. I have moved in with 3 stubborn , controlling, pig headed people, and I am just supposed to fit into your way of life which is totally different than what I have known, no questions ask. I am supposed to accept all your moods and live in your untidiness and your poor eating habits and your lack of physical exercise and not say a word.

You are all adjusting to me. I am adjusting to you 3. A new house. A totally new way of life. I can't walk to work, or even walk anymore by the time we get home. I have asked at least 3 times for the treadmill to be moved so at least I can exercise, but no, it is only me and nothing I say is heard in this house. But that is okay. I am just supposed to accept it and adapt to it. I have gone from having my children basically gone, to having full time kids home again. It is an adjustment.
I ran a home for 25 years. ME all by myself. You and Heidi treat me like I haven't a clue how to do shit around a house or in a kitchen. Only you know what to do. You act like I am not there half the time and the other half, I don't know if you want me there.
I am sharing my kitchen and my partner with another woman who is obsessed with him. try that one out and see if it isn't the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life without trying to step on any toes.

You told me to make changes here at the house, make myself at home, yet everything I do, or want to do, you question and make me feel unworthy. Every time I want to organize the kitchen, Paint, decorate. Move anything.

"Why are you doing that?" "Why did you put that there?"

Because change is good and if I am going to live here, this house needs to reflect me as well. Not just you and your 23 year old daughter and a woman who no longer lives here. I take great pride in my surroundings, and I am not about to do anything to fuck up you or your home. trust me. I know what I am doing. I could make this place gorgeous- but I feel like I have to ask daddy or Heidi for permission every time I move or change one thing. I have never ever had to 'check' before I did anything.

I get to be made fun of for every thing I think and say and do and eat that is different from what you feel I should be doing. But do I say a thing to you about all the things you do differently to what I believe is the right thing? Do I ever make you feel stupid or unworthy? NO.
I am trying really hard to accept this new life I have chosen, and not be critical of every thing that I feel isn't right.
I can't even remember the last time I watched something that I liked on tv when you were home. That isn't even an option. It is always what you want to watch. I am supposed to embrace your shows and movies, yet you have refused to even watch some of mine.

How many more changes would you like me to tell you about that I have made to be here with you? What have you changed for me? What have I ever even ask you to do for me? Nothing. That's right. As long as I am the one adapting and changing and not grumbling all is fine isn't it?
What the hell am I to you? Where do I fit in your life? Do I? Maybe I don't.
I think it is time that we seriously looked at this, because I am not going to be the one doing all the changing for the next 20 years. I can't believe anyone could be so stubborn that they wouldn't give for someone they are supposed to love.
Relationships are about give and take. Compromise. On both parts, not just mine. You told me that you regretted being such a prick to Jane about holidays. Wouldn't that imply that perhaps it is time to change your thinking with me? Start fresh. Or maybe I am not worth it.

Let's face it. Hopefully, your girls are going to move out someday. I am here right now. Starting a new relationship with you that involves some adapting and changing now on both our parts. Not when or IF your girls ever leave home. IF you love and respect me and value this relationship at all then now is the time to start making those changes. Not later. Later may be too late.
Below is what I have been thinking and feeling for the past 3 months.
When you read this, understand that I am hurt, sad and terribly confused and this is MY perception of my reality at 'our' house.

Well, here I am, spending yet another sleepless night listening to you snore, wondering why I am here. Or more precisely, why you wanted me here. I can't come up with an answer.
I ask you what you liked about having me here the other night and sadly when I ask you, you couldn't come up with an answer. You couldn't or wouldn't tell me what you disliked about me being here either.
Maybe you regret asking me to move in and would prefer that I wasn't here. Do you?
I remember before I moved in, you telling me not to change. I haven't changed, but I feel like you have. I still love you, and I still want to show you that I love you. And I still want you to show me you love me. Just like I always have. But you don't seem to want it. Or me.

This is eating away at me day after day, night after night and I don't know how to solve the problem, and you have made it clear on a few occasions that you don't want to talk about it, but in my world it needs to be dealt with. We have both made mistakes in our past relationships. There is too much at stake here to not have this work out the way I thought we both wanted it to. Relationships need work from both people if they are to be successful. I want to feel like having a successful relationship with me is worth the effort to you.

Over the past two, almost three months I have run the gammit of emotions over this. Sadness, worry, mass confusion, anger. Do I say anything, or just leave it and it will work itself out. Is it just me adjusting and you adjusting, or is this real? Maybe you have too. I don't know, because you have made it clear that you don't want to talk about it on the few occasions when I have finally gotten the nerve to bring it up.
I have come to believe that this is real and it isn't just me and my emotions acting and reacting here. I know this has been a difficult adjustment for everyone, but YOU said you wanted me here. To me that means that everyone involved in this relationship-you and I - and your girls - needs to make changes and adjustments, not just me.

I have changed every single thing in my life to be here with you. Everything.
What have you changed for me? Honestly. Other than sharing your bed with me, and moving a few things in the house, what have you changed?
I have had to try to fit myself into your life completely and wonder as you did each thing if it was in direct relationship to me being here, or if that was your normal routine. Sometimes I think it is your normal routine, other times I am not so sure.
When you told me you loved me and wanted me to move in with you and marry you, I thought that meant you were emotionally ready for me. Didn't it? Aren't you?
You told me you were a romantic who loved me and wanted me to be with you. Create a life with you. We would have a great life together. When would you like that life to start?

Perhaps our ideas of a romance are totally different.

To me, a great life is created day by day, moment by moment. As you get to know each other more and more, and your love becomes deeper and richer day by day. Absolutely working on things together around our home, but making time to make each other feel special and loved. Thinking of the other person and considering their thoughts, feelings and needs and sometimes putting them ahead of your own. It is all the little things that build that great life. It is the looks, the tender touches, the shared special moments, conversations, thoughts and feeling between only you. It is accepting your partners differences, faults and flaws, strengths and weaknesses and loving them because of them and respecting the similarities and differences they bring to the relationship. It is the passion, the need and the never ending desire to talk and touch and kiss and be together. Sharing things no one else will ever know or understand or share. Ours, completely.

I want that with you. I thought that was what you were ready to create with me.
I get the feeling some days that I am supposed to have picked up where you and Jane left off. But there are two problems with that.
I am not Jane, and I have no clue where the two of you left off.

Do you remember me telling you I need to love and be loved? I still do. I always will. If you can't give me that, then this relationship is going nowhere. You told me that you loved me and that you wanted to tell me you loved me every day. That was why I moved in. I thought you were ready for me. To love me the way I deserve to be loved. Not on again off again when it suits you, but everyday, unconditionally. Can you remember the last time you told me you loved me?

Relationships take effort.
I can't believe you feel everything is hunky dory. If we don't talk about things, how can we make this relationship work? Conversation-about the relationship is as important an element in a relationship as anything. I am sure there are things that are bothering you as well.

I can't remember so many sleepless nights in my whole life. Even when my marriage was ending, there were less sleepless nights because I knew it was over and ending things was right. With you and I, this is just the beginning of our relationship and I don't know how to make this work on my own.

Did you think that simply by moving me in here that would suffice? It isn't enough just to be here. I need physical and emotional acknowledgement that you love me and want me here. Some daily affirmation. I need to touch and be tenderly, lovingly touched. Feel wanted and needed and respected.
Don't you????? You said you and Jane were having a rough time at the end of your marriage. You led me to believe that she was not interested in loving you. I feel that you are not interested in loving me and it isn't a nice feeling. I would have thought since you have been there that you would know how it feels and would want to avoid making someone you are supposed to love feel less than wonderful about themselves and their relationship with you.

I have just looked back over some of the e mails I have sent you. There are so many that are loving and romantic from me. There are jokes from you. Very few anymore that are personal or intimate in any way.
I try all the time to get close to you. You push me away or completely ignore me.
I am dying here. I feel ignored more often than not. There are days that I feel like the only one interested in this relationship.
I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but I hadn't a clue how hard it would be. I feel like I am in a bigamous relationship and I am the less preferred wife.

It was nice of you to call last Tuesday night from Toronto to tell Heidi that you loved her. And make a point of not telling me. Is it that you don't, or that you can't when Heidi is around? Think how I felt hearing her say, I love you too, and pass the phone to me. The only thing I was hoping for at the end of that conversation with you was an 'I love you'. You would have made my day. Made me feel special for a moment, that maybe you really do care for me. But no. Once again I am made to feel like a nothing in your life.

Before we got back together, I told you I needed to be loved. That was it. Plain and simple. To me that means physically and verbally. I need to know it each and every day, instead of always wondering why you can't or don't show or tell me. You said you wanted to tell me every day that you loved me. What happened?
Instead, you push me away and get up and walk away when I sit down beside you, and you freeze when Heidi comes within earshot, even if all you are doing is having your hand on me. You remove it. Like she would know and disapprove. Like you are cheating on her.

You led me to believe you were ready to love me, but I don't think you are completely. Once in a while, I get glimpses and I think, yes, he does love me and want me here and then you do something to put me back in my place of feeling unsure and unloved.

Your job in this relationship is to make us all- both your girls and me feel special and loved. You love your girls in a way a father should love his daughters. I wouldn't want a man who didn't love his children. But there comes a time when the relationships need to shift. What I need from you is for you to love me too. Not just by making love with me once in a while. There are lots of ways to show love it doesn't just have to be sex. We both need to feel loved and respected without it being at the cost of your relationship with either of us. I am new in this situation and I don't want or expect you to give up anything you and Heidi have, but I do expect that you will openly show me and anyone else in our world that you love me. That I am yours and you are mine and you love me.

You treat me here like I haven't got a clue how to do anything around the house. Like I am invisible. You and Heidi decide everything and then let me know about it after you have already decided.
Try living with that everyday.
I need you to make me feel like I am a complete part of this family.

Have you ever heard the expression "Actions Speak Louder Than Words"
From you and Heidi, I get the feeling a lot of the time from both of you that you would prefer that I wasn't here. I understand that this is an adjustment for everyone, but I feel like I am getting the brunt of it all in spades some days.
I understand that you and Heidi have had this great thing all your lives and it has gotten even stronger in the past few years and she has done an awesome job of taking care of you and the house. I understand that. But you wanted me here. You need to make sure I know it wasn't just so that someone else couldn't have me. You need to let me in and let Heidi know that she can move forward and create her own life now, because I will be here for you. IF I am allowed to be by either of you. She is your daughter, not your partner.

I am trying to adjust to my new surroundings without stepping on too many toes, but also trying to find my appropriate place being your partner. I still haven't found it. Maybe because it doesn't feel like there is room for me as your partner here most of the time. I want to be your partner, your lover, your confidant, your friend, and I guess I thought that was what you were looking for as well. We would get to be the adults in the relationship and make the decisions and the kids would be the kids. Hell, IF you ask me for my opinion on anything, you completely disregard it anyway and do whatever Heidi tells you is what she wants. Now that I am here, it doesn't feel like you needed or wanted any of those things from me.
Is it like you wanted me because you thought you were going to lose me, and once you have me, the thrill is gone?

I have observed several things since I have been here. One of them is that I feel that I have a very low place in your life at the moment. The list of things - in order of importance in your life - as I see them- are as follows:
Man
Heidi-coffee
food
Your business
work around the house
tv
Kallie
Tundra (the dog)
me

I don't feel important at all in your world even when I am the only one here.
I feel like we are living in an old, dying relationship, not one that is supposed to be new and fresh and exciting. There is no passion.

I need passion.
I need romance.
I need love.

I want to feel that I have a special place in your life that is well above the dog.

Indifference: impartial, uncaring, uninterested, detached, distant, cold, dispassionate, unresponsive, passionless, unmoved, unexcited, unfeeling, emotionless this is what I am feeling from you. so much of the time.

You and I are fairly new in this relationship, and I have no idea if this is you, or this is you in response to me.
It feels to me that one day, you may pay attention and be receptive to me, and the next you could care less if I were here, maybe even prefer if I weren't.
I ask you once before how this was working for you, but didn't get any kind of response. So, now I will ask you once again and I need you to do some honest soul searching and give me some answers. Is this working for you???? Are you happy that I am here, or do you feel that you have made a mistake in asking me to live with you? If you are happy that I am here, and still want me to continue to be here, then I need to know that. Not once in a while, but every day. I can't go through each day wondering if I am going to be acknowledged, or how I am going to be acknowledged. I need to be certain, and so do you.

Living together takes work. We have both come to this relationship with our distinct personalities, lives, likes and dislikes and it is unreasonable to expect us to blend perfectly without any effort. It will not work if we don't make it work. We need to make time for each other each and every day. Private personal time.You know how I feel about relationships. I believe that anyone can have a wonderful relationship with their partner and with all of their children involved without sacrificing either relationship. Advice from my mother who got it from my fathers mother:

Don't forget to be lovers. Make time for love.

It doesn't always have to be sex, it can be anything that we create, but nothingness isn't working for me. Don't take this the wrong way at all. I love your kids and I think they are great kids, but we never have any Man and Woman time. Kids are always here. Picture you having moved in with me and my kids still living at home. you would want a break once in a while. you would want my undivided attention once in a while. You would want to be sure that you had a special place in my heart, and it would be up to me to make sure that I made you both feel that you did. I don't know if you notice, but I try to make sure that I give you and Heidi your time whenever you two want/need to do something together. I know you like to work on things together, and do your coffee, and whatever else you might like to do, so I back off and let you do that whenever I can without interrupting.

Seems like even when it is just you and I in the house, you would prefer to be anywhere else, doing anything else rather than spending time with me, unless I can help you do something around the house. Is that who you have always been , or is that who you are in response to me? I don't know, so I need to ask. I just need to feel loved and secure in that love.

If you have made a mistake, now is the time to correct it before we get in any further.

I thought you were ready to love me, but I am not so sure most of the time.
Please help me to understand who you are, and how you are feeling about our relationship. I think it is time for some dialogue. Don't you?

I know there must be things that bother you about me being here. We need to make this work by working together, unless you have decided that you don't want it to work, then we need to part ways. I can't live in an indifferent relationship. I love you with all my heart and yet I can't get a read from you at all most days.

I asked you the other night if you knew how much I loved you, and your response was 'no'. Pretty damned romantic isn't it? We are both here physically, but it feel like we are still 'off again' so much of the time. You hardly acknowledge that I am even here most days. I keep waiting and waiting for things to change and improve, but they haven't and I don't want what we have at the moment to be what we have forever. I remember you saying that you took me for granted before I moved in. I feel like you still are.

It bothered me a lot tonight when you wouldn't even talk with me, but you had to watch whatever was on television. Like it was more important than me. It was incredibly rude of you not to even want to talk to me. I think that if I was on tv, perhaps you would pay attention. I might hold your interest.
You have to make time and effort to have a relationship be successful. It won't just 'happen' simply by being in the same space together sometimes we both have to put forth some effort and make some changes.
Let's make this work. I want this to work. Don't you?

If there is no interest on your part in continuing this relationship, now is the time to decide. Let me know what you want to do, but IF you want to continue, I need to feel that you are a willing, complete partner who is able to love me and willing to compromise at times. If I am not worthy of that once in a while, then there is no hope.
W

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INFO: It was decided there was no hope and I moved out just before Christmas and did not hear from him other than e mail jokes and an e mail where he ask me if I was seeing anyone new until April 2006.

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DATE: April 7th, 2006
FROM: Man
TO: Woman
SUBJECT: just me!


Well I guess it's time to send you a letter. I should have done this sooner but my mind and heart were to mixed up. Two years ago I met this wonderful woman that took my breath away. You always said "fate" brought us together and I said it was your "fate" not mine. Then why do I feel like this? I put you in the front car of an emotional roller coaster. It was never a "love/hate" relationship, it was "love/defensive" relationship. I loved you and when things would get so far I would hit the brakes and put up the walls. Why did you keep letting me back in? This didn't effect my kids but I know it effected yours especially your youngest.

You were so understanding of my fucked up life, YOU REALLY CARED. When we would talk about all the things we wanted to do in our futures it was so perfect thinking I would be doing it with you. There's a lot of things I don't understand that I should have dealt with, like all the pills you take in the morning, the soya milk, and no meat. What's that all about? But I was to stubborn to think about it and "talk" to you about it. I have learned a lot and you have taught me a lot.

I have learned that I need to stop and smell the roses from time to time. I have learned I need to tell the person I love that I do love them more often. First thing in the morning and the last thing at night, and about 10 times during the day. Because one day they are here and the next day they could be gone. I have learned Heidi is my biggest road block in me having a relationship. I have learned that no woman can just move into my house and make it feel like hers.

You have taught me that I need to take better care of myself, if not for me then for the people that love me. You have taught me that a stir fry tastes good with out the meat. You have taught me that things that come into your life can leave just as fast. You have taught me that Kramer the bear never jumped out of the closet on his own, but someone that loved me helped him out and on to my pillow. But most of all you have taught me to stop and listen to Kallie and really understand her.

Tonite Heidi had some friends over and Kallie and I went to the show. Kallie and I talked about you for 30 min on the way into town. Some of the things she said blew me away. We agreed that Heidi was the biggest problem and that she needs to get a life of her own and that you and I needed time to ourselves every once and awhile. She said that your likes and dislikes were things that we needed to deal with and vise versa. But deal with them! She misses being able to talk to you because you listened and cared. WHY DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT WHAT WAS BUGGING EACH OTHER???? In stead we through the rest of our life away.

I'm NOT trying to change your mind, god no. I want you to know that I will always love you and I hope things work out with your boyfriend, I do. If things don't work my heart and soul will be here for you and I would love the chance to be with you again. WITH BIG CHANGES I use to love to spend the nite at your house and go to work, and I loved when you would come out for the weekend. I look up at the stars every nite when I'm outside and think of the nites we would watch them together.
Kallie asked me if she could send you a letter and I said it would be ok.

love, me.

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DATE: April 17th, 2006
FROM: Man
TO: Woman
SUBJECT: answer's


Please I need answer's, Why every time we broke up did you take me back? Was it fate? Why last summer after starting something new with him, did you come back and put Kramer bear on my pillow? Was it fate? Were we to be together for the rest of our lives and grow old together? Was or still is that fate? We should have waited until spring to live together. We needed more time to ourselves, that's a fact.

My life is progressing great and I see a great light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't want to do it with out you. I WANTED TO MARRY YOU. But I needed to hear you say you loved me, and to smile more. We needed to redecorate before you moved in, so you felt this was OUR home. I miss your mom and dad and your kids. There
was so much more we needed to experience together. Stop and look at where your life is going and hey maybe it's great, but look at us and were we can go. We just need time to ourselves.

Please at least respond to this letter, I LOVE YOU Woman
.......me.

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DATE: April 19th, 2006
FROM: Woman
TO: Man
SUBJECT: Re: answers....


Well, needless to say, you have blown me away once again.
I thought for sure that you would be over me, but maybe that is partially because I had finally, once again, finished another chapter in the book of MAN, what I thought was the whole book with you. And I felt that I was over you.

When we parted ways in December, it was my understanding that this was what YOU wanted.That you no longer loved me. That the roller coaster had finally crashed. That we were done, finished, kaput. I have been looking over past e mails and there are so many more downs than ups in what we had. I had tried one last time with believing in you and willingly giving you all of me and still I wasn't good enough for what you wanted.

The other day, you said that the best parts of our relationship was the beginning and the end. A good relationship needs the middle to sustain itself. We never had that.
Like I said in my last letter, there were many, many sleepless nights. Many, many days when I hadn't a clue where or if I fit in, or if I was meant to. I never expected to be moving back out 4 months later. I had come to the relationship with my whole heart and everything that came along with that. I was in it for the long haul. That is why I sold my house. I wasn't about to run away and give up when the going got tough. Every relationship has tough times. IF they are strong enough and meant to be, you work them out.

In December, by writing you that letter, I thought that my view of the problems were a result of EVERYONE adjusting to the changes, and that there was lots to work with and on, but I wasn't throwing in the towel. It wasn't until we were talking in the bedroom and you said that you were going to tell me in January that things weren't working out the way you wanted them to and you were going to end it then- but I was welcome to stay for Christmas. I am too proud for that. I wasn't going to stay around and pretend everything was okay. I have never ever been good at faking my feelings or emotions. Never. And I wasn't about to "force" you to love me.

The relationship was always the way you wanted it. I always let you lead. And I followed. You asked why I never told you I loved you. Why didn't you tell me??????????? I was in your house playing by your rules. Following your lead. Why didn't you tell me or show me?????? Instead, I wondered day after day what you were really feeling about me being there. I had put every part of me on the line by being there. The very least that I wanted from you was your love. I would have been perfectly happy knowing I had that. But I never knew.

You can't play with peoples feelings and lives. There were a few opportunities when I tried to talk to you and you brushed me off. Television or something else was more important than me. Always. As I told you, I felt less important in your life than the dog.

You ask me why I didn't fight. I am not a fighter. I will never fight to be loved. Either it is there or it isn't. And with you I never knew. I was led to believe, by you, on several occasions that it wasn't.
YOU felt there was nothing that we had in common. My thought was that we could build and create things in common. YOU didn't feel that was the way a relationship should work. All the commonalities needed to be there from the start. The relationship needed to be complete at the beginning and then we could just go on from there. Never needing or wanting it to grow into more. To me the beginning of a relationship is just that- a base to grow on. Absolutely there were differences, but that is okay. As long as we have some things in common, or are willing to create some.
You said that you have learned many things, having been with me. But a leopard can't change his spots. A person can only change so much, they are still always that same person.

I also have learned many things about myself and what I need and want in a relationship having been with you. My most valuable lesson is that I need to be true to myself and my values and beliefs. I need to respect myself, and not compromise my values. I was willing to do that with you. But looking back, I now believe that I was wrong. I did not feel good about who I was so much of the time that I was with you in your house. You made me feel that my thoughts and beliefs were not as good as yours simply because they were not the same as yours. You never respected or accepted my choice not to eat meat or drink coffee or take vitamins or the movies or television I wanted to watch.

A healthy lifestyle is extremely important to me, but I never tried to sway you to my choices, I accepted yours and Kallie's and Heidi's.
You wanted me to accept all of yours and just blend into your lives completely, without anyone else in you world changing or compromising a thing for me.
I am a good person, with good values and beliefs. Many of them not the same as you. Absolutely nothing that I have to feel embarrassed about or justify myself to anyone about or change myself in anyway for anyone.
I need to be with someone who will respect and accept MY values and beliefs, without trying to make me feel badly about them or trying to make me change.

At 46 years old, I have a good idea about what those are and what makes me happy.
From December to February, I reflected on my past relationships and why they hadn't worked and what I would need to do to have a successful, long lasting, loving, respectful relationship. I realized that there is nothing that I have to do. Just be me. I can't be and I won't be anything else. Ever. I love who I am, and I am very proud of who I have become in my life. I will never change myself to be loved. Nor will I ever ask anyone else to change who they are to be with me. Each person MUST be accepted for exactly who they are.

I am not desperate as you have suggested many times. Never have been. Never will be.
I need to be with someone who loves me and accepts me exactly for who I am at this moment, and whomever I may become. Someone who is willing to grow and change and be, right along with me. I need to be an equal partner in a relationship. Valued and respected.
I told you the first weekend I was there that I wouldn't live in a dictatorship. And I won't. I can't. No, I won't get back on the roller coaster.

You always seemed to want me most when I wasn't there. Or when there was the chance that someone else might love me. I need some consistency. I need to be in a relationship where I know each and every day where I stand. It isn't enough to have the nice house if it is void of the love that you need. I want to be happy. I want to love. I want to know that I am loved in return. At this moment in my life I have that. And I am not willing to jeopardize it again.

You said that you are not trying to change my mind, yet I feel that is exactly what you are trying to do. I need you to STOP. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but for my emotional health, that is what I need. My mind is made up. If you continue to pressure me with messages, it will be clear to me that you are trying to jeopardize my present relationship. I am asking you to stop all communication with me and to love me enough to let me go. thanks.
W

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DATE: APril 26th, 2006
FROM: Man
TO: Woman


I dropped off more of your mail this morning. You need to let them know of your address change. How are things going? If things aren't the best and you aren't doing anything on June 17, I would be honoured to have you accompany me to a "black tie" dinner in Toronto. After all you did say you like me in a black suit . lol We could go as STRICTLY FRIENDS. I won't hold my breath.
I can't picture taking anyone else.................me.

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DATE: May 22nd, 2006
FROM: Man
TO: Woman


I know you hate me, that's fine. I have moved on with my life without you in it but you will always be in my heart and soul. I hope you have found happiness but I hope some day down the road fate will bring us back together........
....I miss you............me.

----------------------------------------------------

DATE: May 22nd, 2006
FROM: Woman
TO: Man


I don't hate you. But I can't have you in my life. I can't do the stress, the negativity, the lack of respect and the emotional roller coaster.
I'm glad you have moved on.
W

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Talk about your all time patheti-sad individuals! That was one steaming pile of emotional vomit.

No communication in a relationship = disaster. The reason things didn't work out with you two is because you're both co-dependent in different ways. He obviously needs therapy, especially given his seemingly Oedipal-like complex with his daughter, though I think you'd benefit from some therapy as well.

Just think: you could have nipped the entire situation in the bud by not taking him back. You just chose to look past all the red flags waving in your face. There's too much blame being hurled at each other when the reality is you should have looked at the situation for what it was and take some personal responsibility. By and large, people don't change. At least you owned up to your mistakes (eventually) and severed contact.

Now please, don't ever go through that again. I feel dirty after reading that, and think I need a shower.

1:45 PM, July 12, 2006  
Anonymous Audrey said...

I am so glad you were strong enough, finally, not to take him back. I know from personal experience how hard it is when you love someone that just will not love you the way you need. Everytime you take them back, you hope it will be different. You talk yourself into beleiving it was your fault that it didn't work out, that if you do something different this time around it will work.

It won't, and it never will. Each of us has ways in which we need to be loved, and he couldn't give those things to you...no matter how much you pleaded or screamed or threatened to leave. He just was not right for you, as you finally realized.

It must be hard dating in your mid-40's. I'm only 22, and relationships are hard as hell even now, when we're all young and energetic.

You may have entered this relationship looking for love and acceptance, but you know what you found? Just how strong and independent you really are.

I, for one, am extremely proud of you. I have no doubt your children are, as well.

4:45 PM, July 12, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My God!!! What do they hand out books on what to write..."101 Ways To Make YOur Lover Feel Like An Idiot" I swear that I recieved the same emails from some guy I had dated. But reading these letters made it as obvious as a pie in the face....When talking to stupid people, be sure they are not doing the same.

3:32 PM, July 14, 2006  

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