CASE # 62: TENDERHEART + NOHEART

SUBMITTED BY: Tenderheart

INFO: This is the story of a girl who fell for the wrong guy one too many times. This time she decided to confront the guy, partly to figure out why this keeps happening and partly to let him know she thinks he's a giant asshole. The whole thing started the way these things usually do, except this one was a rock-star and went on tour frequently, so there were some long breaks between flirting sessions. Eventually they got together and things looked quite promising, even for the girl who was oh-so-skeptical about love. There was hand-holding, shoe-shopping, and even the purchasing of electronics. And then there were unreturned phone-calls, which were soon met by a bitchy message on the guy's voicemail that went something like this:

"Hey, I wasn't going to call you until you called me back, but I'm really starting to hate you right now and I know that's not what you want, so you can call me back and try to fix this, or, if not, please give me back my DVDs before you go on tour."

A phone call followed shortly after (leaving the girl to assume he'd been screening her calls) flooded with shock and amazement that the girl was even the slightest bit angry. He agreed to come over and talk about it. The girl didn't realize this meant him coming over to drink beer and watch hockey with her roommates and not even exchange one word in private. His visit was followed by an email from the girl declaring that there are still matters left to be discussed and if they couldn't do it in person, it would be done on the internet.

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DATE:Tue, 9 May 2006 07:08:42 -0400
FROM: No Heart
TO: Tenderheart
SUBJECT:hey

Here's my email address. Let me know what's on your mind.

No Heart

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DATE:May 9, 2006 8:44 AM
FROM: Tenderheart
TO: No Heart
SUBJECTRe: hey

Alright, first I need the whole story about your situation. I want to add it to my collection...so far I have...
"I'm not ready for a relationship because my ex girlfriend broke up with me because she has cancer and wanted to be alone" and...
"By the way, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years...3 weeks ago...I'm sort of just looking to have fun"

Those ones are my favourites...Yours will be number 7 in a row of rejection speeches, but my favourite part about all of them is that they always tell me I'm awesome and they'd still like to sleep with me if I can handle that.

So tell me the whole story, why you're so fucked up, and maybe I can figure out why I seem to attract unavailable guys.

Tenderheart

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DATE:Tue, 9 May 2006 10:32:55 -0400
FROM: No Heart
TO: Tenderheart
SUBJECT: e-closure*

This is not the way to understand my situation. I don't want my story to be part of your collection. The whole notion of a collection of rejections is sadistic, and will only serve to depress you.

No, I don't want a relationship with you. Sorry that wasn't clear before we had sex, or even for the few weeks afterwards. Maybe it wasn't clear to me either. But if you're looking for more than good times, you should say that beforehand. The last thing I want is to leave a bad taste in your mouth about the whole thing.

My last relationship was intense, co-dependent, and borderline abusive. We had sex too fast, got involved too fast, and neither of us was ready for it. In fact, this pretty much describes every relationship I've been in for the past 15 years. I'm trying to break the chain.

I guess the first step in breaking this vicious cycle of dependency is for me to stop thinking every girl I meet is "the one" and then immediately impose my unrealistic expectations of her. I'm trying to have fun and enjoy the simple pleasures (not just sex) without getting too caught up trying to pacify my own fear of rejection.
Does this sound familiar at all?

I don't really care to say anymore right now. Be my friend and maybe you'll discover the rest. I'm still figuring MYSELF out after 28 years!

No Heart

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DATE:Tue, 9 May 2006 16:08:01 -0400 (EDT)
FROM: Tenderheart
TO: No Heart
SUBJECT: Re: e-closure

I know the collection of rejections will only depress me, however, that's how I deal with it without going insane and curling up in the fetal position and crying about it. I'd rather make light of the various situations and turn them into funny stories that other depressed, rejected people can laugh at and can then feel better about themselves. And don't worry, these stories don't make it onto e-closure. My friend runs that site and I support it, but don't contribute to it.**

As for us, and our lack of communication...I think it's sort of a catch-22 as to when you're supposed to tell someone you're interested in a relationship. On the one hand you don't want to scare them away and you want to get to know them better, but on the other you want to save yourself some heartbreak by not getting too attached...so you can either hurt now or later, and of course it's always easier to put it off, it might hurt more later, but that's the price you pay for not being brave enough to say what you want. Or maybe you don't know what you want. To be fair, you never said that you weren't interested in a relationship. And I'm not mad about any of that, I can't be mad at someone for not communicating properly when I'm guilty of the same thing.

I'm familiar with the vicious cycle. I think I know exactly what I want and I'll know it when I see it' but that's not really the case. I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of coming on too strong because of that. Maybe we can help each other out and give each other advice.

I'm glad we're getting this out of the way. I think it's important that we get together just the two of us and finish this off so that both of us can start to just have fun together instead of wondering if the other one is okay with everything. I get home from work around 6:30 everday this week, so if you want to grab a drink just give me a call. Although I guess it would have to be tonight since you have shows this week.

Tenderheart

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No Heart's response to this was a mass e-mail inviting me to be on the guest list for his show the next night. We talked briefly at the show, the conversation ended with him saying "I don't think you're ever going to not hate me," shortly after, while some drunk girl pulled him away by his belt buckle he looked me in the eye and said "I'll call you." Little did he know a hobo had stolen my phone a few days ago. Good. Talk to the hobo. Better him than me.

*his reference to e-closure was a total surprise to me. He must've seen it on my myspace, but we never talked about it. Proof that boys stalk girls on the internet just as much as girls stalk boys.

**yeah, yeah. I'm a liar. So what. He thought I wasn't going to post this, well I thought we were going to be friends. Things change.