CASE # 27: JACK + JANET & CHRISSY

SUBMITTED BY: JACK
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: A FEW MONTHS
INFO: Janet and I had been married for a few years, had a kid together, and then our relationship started to fall apart. She turned away from me, and I turned to someone else. At first Chrissy was my best friend, but eventually my lover. When Janet found out after a few weeks, I half-heartedly broke it off with her and attempted to repair my marriage. Chrissy didn't really go too far away, and i didn't really want her to (at least not until i figured out whether the marriage would survive or not). When Janet found out that I was still talking to Chrissy, she gave me an ultimatum that I had to break it off completely, solidly, once and for all. This is the story of the writing of that breakup letter to Chrissy, and how it all went bad for everyone anyway.

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FROM: JANET
TO: JACK
SUBJECT: N/A

You clearly dont get that this is a 2 part process. You have to facilitate it so that Chrissy understands clearly (not in some vague sort of way, where she may show up this weekend or you may hear from her next week) that there is no relationship left.

Dont tell her you dont "have room for it right now" because "right now" you're giving everything you have to your wife... That statment proved to be very ineffectual before. Do you understand that you are so vague even when you're trying not to be? She is desperate to be with you and with the ambivalent qualities of your letters can read in just about anything she wants. And trust me, your letters always leave her with a glimmer of hope and a ghost of a chance that things can work out for you guys later on. That you will always be "friends" and are going to fall back on that friendship as soon as we get through all this.

Your message to her, while not having to take on the nature of a cruel rat bastard - that you are - needs to be clear and precise. So that after reading it, it shouldnt even be possible for her to test the waters with another email.

And the second part of the process is of course how you respond if and when she writes again. The smart money would not write back *at all.* Or block her email address if she does start writing a lot. Even if she writes you begging and crying and desperate to talk. Im sure thats going to happen (well pretty much has for weeks) because she is in a very difficult spot in her life right now. She is very alone and Im sure in a lot of pain. BUT that is not your responsibility. You have let her feelings, and your concern for them, destroy our chances many times over. This is critical. Your regard for her wellbeing can not override what we are doing to get ours back. I dont think you understand that.

[at which point i tried to go and write that letter]

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FROM: JACK
TO: JANET
SUBJECT: so far

i've been sitting here for a couple of hours now. an uncomfortable chair in an uncomforatable computer lab. before this i went to the park to eat and to think. i hesitated. you said that i had to do everything right. that i had to do it all so perfectly well because if i fucked up now, it was all over. i didn't want to make a mistake.

it feels forced. you give me an ultimatum. you tell me that i have to write Chrissy and tell her that it's over. that my relationship with her is finished. and not because it has to be, but because i want it to be. it feels forced. it feels like you're putting words into my mouth. then you write me a letter telling me exactly how to form my words. as if i'm some sort of idiot that doesn't understand subtle nuances. you break apart my letter going piece by piece thru my words. and you got it all right. the worst part is that the part that bugged you the most - the part where it's external forces making me stop talking to her - that was true. the whole letter was true. i'm not going to lie to you. you read it. it may be easier to think that i'm just plain stupid than to think that i might actually care about Chrissy.

it shouldn't be so hard. i should be able to pump out a nice standard "it's all over" letter to Chrissy and send it off, right? i didn't exactly sprint over here to the computer lab to write her this letter. i was actually hoping that i might not be able to get in. hoping to somehow put it off until tomorrow. thinking that i may go off camping for the night. pitch a tent and watch the moonlight. mediate. pray. tell myself that i knew what i was doing. come up with some sort of grand master plan. not to "figure out what i was feeling," to reaffirm my commitments.

i'm slow. i'm immature. i don't understand my feelings alot of the time. i'm very bad at communicating what's going on in my head. i'm insensitive and thoughtless some times, without reason, without trying. i don't know why i'm even telling you these things. i'm writing this letter, wondering the whole time "why am i writing this letter?"

here's what i've written Chrissy so far. i don't think you'll like it. i guess i'm sending it to you to see what you'll think before i send it to her. i don't know what to write anymore

------ [ letter snipped, saved for later ] ------

you don't want me to send her fake words. you want real words. you want it to matter. well it does matter. i don't know how to say anything anymore. everything i do is wrong. how about adding this statement to the letter "you were my friend and more than my friend, but i have to sacrifice that to save my marriage. and it's because my marriage means more to me than my friendship to you. and you probably knew that a long time ago because i never left my wife to run off and be with you. you were just trying to believe that it wasn't that." truthfully, the only thing i really need to send to Chrissy is "goodbye." she would understand that. and understand what it meant.

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FROM: JANET
TO: JACK

What the fuck are you doing? You have the nerve to write me a letter and insult me. Fuck you.

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FROM: JACK
TO: JANET

i wasn't looking to insult you. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing. brutally honest? just plain stupid?

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FROM: JANET
TO: JACK

Thank you Jack. Now I know that we have no future together. Now I know that you dont want me and you dont want to break it off with her. Thank you for finally telling me what you want. I really hope you are happy with her.

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FROM: JACK
TO: JANET

is that what you got out of that letter? i read it again. and then again. i didn't see that.

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FROM: JACK
TO: JANET

i should be able to pump out a nice standard "it's all over" letter to Chrissy and send it off, right?

>I NEVER SAID THAT.

that's just the impression that i got. that it would somehow be easy to find the words to tell her that i didn't care about her at all. felt like you wanted me to tell her that i hated her and this was all a lie. couldn't find those words.

i couldn't make any mistakes or i'm fucked. kiss that one goodbye because i obviously don't know how to prevent myself from making mistakes. personally i thought it would be a bigger mistake to not let you in on how i'm feeling. and i don't think you want to face the fact that i care about Chrissy.

i can tell her goodbye. i can not see her again and not talk to her again. i have no problem with sacrificing that relationship to save our marriage. and i felt like i did that 2 weeks ago. the only thing you need me to do is send a letter to Chrissy reaffirming that. telling her that i meant what i said before. that i want to be with you and not with her. i didn't think you'd take that very well though. a letter like that wouldn't be enough and i'd be fucked. but as usual i've fucked it all up anyway.

[Janet quit responding, so i eventually emailed Chrissy, and immediately wanted to throw up.]

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FROM: JACK
TO: CHRISSY

i was going to send this message earlier but didn't feel that it said what i want to say. i want to say goodbye. you know what that means without any long, cold explanations. i did say it before and i did mean it before. i should have stuck to that committment. that's what i want. goodbye, Jack.
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Dear Chrissy-

i've been staring at a blank screen for quite some time now. i don't want my words to be measured and "well thought". i want you to know exactly what is going on with me. exactly what i'm feeling and thinking. (i hate this keyboard, it's so fuckin' stiff i can't even hit the space bar!) sorry.

you do seem to know what i'm thinking anyway, so i don't even know why i have to put that part in here.

i'm writing to tell you that our relationship is over. that you shouldn't expect anything more from me. not that you do. you just want me to be me. as you say, my feelings "are what they are, not good or bad." in your last letter you asked if you'd even hear from you anymore. you didn't seem to think you would. that i would just let it go at that. but if i let it go at that, what would you think? would you wonder where i am, if i'm happy? probably always wonder, whether i write to you or not. you're probably worrying about me now, even as i sit and type this.

your life is yours. you know that without me telling you. we've gone over all of this before. you don't need me to be happy. you need someone to listen to you and someone to be your friend. i can't be those things for you. we crossed the line of friendship. people laugh at the idea of a platonic friendship. i guess now i understand why.

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FROM: CHRISSY
TO: JACK

Jack,

As usual, I don't know what to say. I've given you too much -- stupidly, way too much. I'm done with giving. goodbye.

[despite the letter, which i forwarded to Janet to read, it didn't work. Janet wanted nothing to do with me]

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FROM: JACK
TO: JANET

if i come to you now, will you see me? will you hear anything i have to say? you don't believe my words and you can't read my mind. i'll do anything to have you understand. nothing seems to work, but i have nothing left to lose. i've already lost it all. i've failed you because i love you and you don't see it. you don't know it. you don't feel loved. that doesn't mean i don't love you though. i can be there in half an hour. or we can meet at some other neutral location if you want. please. i don't deserve to see you, but i beg that you will let me.

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FROM: JANET
TO: JACK

i did care what you were going thru last night, but i didn't have a clue what to do with that.

Which is exactly why we are getting a divorce. That you could do that, to do all of this, and STILL not even try but just act like a cripple. Its _exactly_ the same as before when I would cry in front of you and you would just stare blankly at me. You are cruel. You dont care enough about me to be my husband.

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FROM: CHRISSY
TO: JACK

Jack,
I wasn't going to say anymore. I thought what I said on Saturday would be enough -- but I think, even THEN, that I was more concerned with sparing you any added grief with my response.

You didn't spare my feelings. I'm not going to spare yours anymore. I'm sure you are sitting content and secure in your desk right now, relieved you got everything back the way it was.Do you have "any" conscience at all Jack? Is the pain you caused me even a glimmer in the back of your mind?

The part the hurts the most is the answer to that lies in the fact that you couldn't have really cared in the first place if you could so easily wipe this all away. (Did you even "write" that letter you wrote? It doesn't even sound like you.)

Maybe you've convinced yourself I will eventually understand. Well, I don't and I won't. I don't know how you could say you loved me, couldn't stand being away from me, only THREE days ago, and then sent that awful, cold letter on Friday. You even renouced our friendship in that letter. God, you are truly a horrible, horrible person. You used to say that, but now I believe it. How could you stoop so low to fix everything? Don't you feel dirty, even if only, for lying to me about even that?

My life my be in a shambles, but I, at least, have what I know is true in my heart about you -- and that isn't the things I know to be certain about you.

I don't know who you are anymore.

I'm talking about what I know to be true about how I felt. I'm not going to be writing any letter to cover that up, even if it might ease the pain and humiliation.

You tore down the most special, important part of what we had (or what I thought we had) I could have lived with you away if I thought you would even keep that as truth.

You are a weak, cruel person. You have hurt me in the most inexusable way. Think about that while you're sitting there feeling safe and secure...

Chrissy