Wednesday, June 14, 2006

CASE # 55: ME + HIM

INFO: We were "official" for one year, "just dating" for almost another. It was the rockiest relationship I have ever encountered, specifically because he did horrible things and would never admit he did anything wrong. Our first breakup was due to me keeping an online journal and him finding it--he said he felt like I was a totally different person. I'm sorry, but when someone doesn't listen to anything you have to say, you have to have some sort of outlet.

A couple weeks before that, one of my neighbors was drunk and tried to make out with me. I wrote about this in my journal, but didn't feel like I needed to talk him about it because I dealt with it myself. So he broke up with me. I tried my hardest for the next two months to get to come back, and when I realize he was commitment-phobic, I somewhat gave up. I decided to just go with the flow. I didn't allow myself to totally cut things off, which I should have.

He had an affair with a married woman a few years ago, before I met him. He told this to me because he said he wanted no secrets, and I never held it against him until she became an issue. This girl was the catalyst for all of our problems. He was never really there for me when I needed someone to talk to and he never came to me for anything. Very early in our relationship, I found lovey dovey text messages on his phone from her. Shortly after that, she kept calling at 3 in the morning and he refused to answer his phone.

I decided to snoop. Over a year has passed and nothing changed, so there had to be a reason, right? I logged into his online cell phone bill. The password was her name. I find out he's been talking to this girl, during our entire relationship, for at least an hour. Every single day. More things happen with this girl that're really not important, they all just added up to one really nauseating conclusion.

Suffice to say, I gave him an ultimatum. He had to totally cut off contact with this girl (she's MARRIED) and be in a real relationship with me, or it was over. He never listened and totally ignored we were having problems. He never acknowledged or replied to my emails, even though I spoke with him everyday. I even sent him a snail mail letter, which was also ignored. I eventually just ended it because I met someone else who is currently treating me like a queen.

After the last email, I received a text message from him.

"Ok I understand. You will be missed."

Somehow I don't believe him.


SUBJECT: Good-bye.

I'm only sending you this email as a courtesy.

You've made your decision, and I accept that.

I don't ever want to hear from you again. I am going to move on with my life, and I'm not waiting for a man who really couldn't give a shit about my feelings. I'll mail you your items left at my house soon.

I was right in my letter. It did happen in the blink of an eye. I was cleaning my house tonight, and I started to take all the pictures and letters down. I found a journal, the one with the pretty embroidery on the cover. I felt so neglected in the beginning of our relationship, I hardly ever got to talk to you. I now know why. I had a picture of us in Minnesota in the journal, and I started crying. You were so handsome and I wanted so much with you...but you just refuse to budge. It doesn't matter to you that you've made me so upset, you wish to do nothing about it.

Well, I am. I'm not going to wait for you anymore.

If you'd like to ever try again, you can call me. However, there is no gaurantee I will answer. Who knows when you'll even get this email. Who the fuck knows if you'll even read it, you'll probably delete it just like all the other ones I've tried to send you, or claim you never recieved it. Believe me when I say that I don't believe you.

I hope you haven't tried to end your friendship with her, I'm sure you haven't. This is good because you'll need someone to turn to now that I am gone.

I sincerely hope you have a good life. I hope you can eventually find a girl you would do anything for, besides J*****, and have a family. I hope you continue to stay happy with your job. You've been very busy lately, which is good for this situation. It is so hard for me to totally let you go, but I know it's something that needs to be done. You are only hurting me by not caring, and I am only hurting you by trying to take you away from your "best friend".

I just pray the last two years were not wasted. Good luck. I'm sure you'll be in my thoughts more than I'll be in yours.


SUBJECT: Good-bye.

From: Me
To: Him
Subject: Friendship.

I've received your messages, and I'm doing like you requested. I would prefer to remain friends, but I don't think you and I agree on what that means. Friends speak occassionally, not everyday. They don't get shitty if the other is busy and not able to return a phone call right away. Your voicemail this morning hurt my feelings more than you can imagine, and I seem to consistently feel this way because of you.

No, I wasn't lying when I talked to you on Tuesday night. You have no idea what has happened and I really don't feel like sharing. Suffice to say that yes, he is an absolute sweetheart and no, I didn't mean to give you a wrong impression. You were also absolutely hysterical, which was understandable, but you insulted me more than I have ever been insulted in my life. I'm tired of you trying to make me feel worthless to make yourself feel better. I'm tired of you expecting things from me that I am not willing to give and you know damn well what I mean. If you continue to do so, I cannot remain friends with you, bottom line.

I appreciate you wanting to give me some things back. I would like to give you some of yours, as well as anything you gave me that you want back. I would prefer not to see you for awhile, however. We'll approach that subject when I'm comfortable enough to do so. I am insisting on calling the shots now, unless you wish to cut ties permanently.

Please do not hound me. If you don't listen to anything else I have to say, please listen to that. You are no longer a priority in my everyday life, any romantic ties I've had with you are cut. They've been cut for awhile, whether you came to terms with that or not. If you would still like to speak with me, please wait until I call you. If you call me for any reason before this, I won't answer my phone. If you decide to leave a voicemail and you're being cruel again, that's it. You may have never believed me before when I said things like this, but believe it now. I am dead serious.

We are no longer dating, and you need to realize what this means. She may have been willing to speak with you for hours everyday and give you tons of attention. I am not. Please understand this.


Anonymous james said...

i never thought he was worth your time. i couldn't figure out why you let it happen so long.

i hope this one treats you better.

11:25 PM, June 18, 2006  
Anonymous Tree said...

I really don't know, either. He did teach me valuable lessons, though I think I was just getting to be masochistic.

I do as well, but we shall see. I'm taking my time now, avoiding repeated mistakes. Hopefully, it will work.

3:15 AM, June 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In the first letter, you said you never wanted to hear from him, but then he could call you if he wanted to get back together.

Girl, all that spells is DOORMAT!

At least you got some of it right in the second letter. But I'd be pretty suprised if your friendship with this guy brought you anything but heartache.

1:17 AM, July 26, 2006  
Anonymous Jaded said...

It's boring to hear of women putting up with a pile of crap from men -- who as a result get an over-inflated self-image. You were "putting up" with it though, to some extent we get what we settle for. Methinks you tried to get him to notice you by playing some games along the way, which gave you momentary satisfaction that he was bothered. Perhaps this new relationship was also a way of getting him to notice you, at first. If anything, he's probably confused because people like you and others have made him feel like he's some kind of demi-god so he's failing to see why he can't always get what he wants anymore. I've been, I got out, and I've never been back again. I would want to delude or humiliate myself to that level, ever again.

10:51 AM, July 31, 2007  
Anonymous Jaded said...

I meant to say:

I've been there, I got out, and I've never been back again. I wouldn't want to delude or humiliate myself to that level, ever again.

I must have got bored as I was typing, or made a slip of qwerty board!

10:54 AM, July 31, 2007  
Anonymous and then i said...

are you eavesdropping on my life? i know what you're going through, i dont have an answer because im only three months into this. phew, why do we do it? were you surrounded by alcoholics/addicts growing up? lets blame them wanna? - - - hm i dunno, at least we can see that he was an insecure, self aggrandizing, solipsistic, delusional, jerk. see? even in the picture he is snuggled up on himself. i think someone would have to literally tell him you were there too. <---',.:thats really not meant to make you feel worse, in a weird way, i hope it makes you feel better.

ok im rude, i didnt read the entire thing, i accidentally stumbled on here. i honestly didnt want to finish it either. (kind of sick of dealing with it on my end) so maybe i got it all wrong and im just some goof ball with an internet connection and bad hand/eye co-ordination clicking wrong links left and right (or maybe up and down) but who cares? you read this much, you obviously cared. i care too. hang in there champ, this part's always shitty -i heard all songs are 95% love songs. that must be an exaggeration of course, but i believe its up there.

(and who cares about those people that said they're sick of hearing bladda yadda nuffin. im a dude, and i let this happen. oops, sue us, we're romantic, gullible, beings, that are suckers for the ideal of the true love cure-all. someone's got to be though, right?)

12:04 AM, January 05, 2008  

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