CASE #95: KIRK +BELINDA +MARY

SUBMITTED BY: BELINDA
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 7 Months
INFO: I first knew of Kirk in high school. He was a senior when I was a freshman, and I had a huge crush on him. He never knew I existed. Fast-forward 16 years later to a coffee joint in our hometown. We met up again and he (not remembering me) asked me out. We had a lot in common as both of us had left town, been married, gotten divorced and moved back home. Or so I thought....

Things got serious after about 3 months and we spent a lot of time together. I should have known something was off when his roommate wasn't very nice to me. But, his roommate was also fat, single and an asshole so I figured he was jealous. During month 3, he left town to see his daughter on her 9th birthday and called me every day he was gone. The afternoon he was headed back home, I got 3 hang up calls from a number in the area code he had visited. I dismissed them, thinking perhaps he tried to call me from an airport pay phone.

I picked him up at the airport Saturday night, and we spent the next day together. On Sunday evening, we were cooking dinner and enjoying a bottle of wine when my cell phone started ringing. I ignored the first 3 calls and left the phone in my purse. On the 4th call in less than 5 minutes, I figured someone is trying to get ahold of me, so I took the phone out. It was the same number that had called 3 times the day before. I remember looking at him as I answered the call, he was smiling and oblivious to the fact his shit was about to hit the fan.

"Hello?" I asked, worriedly.

"HELLO," screamed a woman's voice back at me.

"Yes," I said, " Can I help you?"

"This is Mary, Kirk's wife," the woman retorted in a slightly slurry manner. She sounded drunk but was acting as though I'd known her my entire life.

I sat there for a minute, hoping I was just having a really bad dream. The voice on the end of the line didn't give me much time to think. "HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?!???"

I pulled the phone away from my ear and handed the phone to Kirk. "Kirk... uh, your wife is on the phone."

He grabbed it out of my hand and jumped right in. "Mary, what are you doing? How did you get this number?" I could hear her screaming at him from 5 feet away. He had told me that his ex-wife was a drunk and that she was always trying to get him back. Because I was in love with him, I wanted to believe that what he told me was true. However, I've never really bought into the crazy bitch stereotype because I've seen sane female friends be provoked into taking on the role.

As I stood there listening, he seemed to be telling her not to bother me or him and that it was over. He hung up on her after about 5 minutes. I was shaken by the whole thing. He tried to make me feel better by telling me she had taken his cell during the daughter's birthday party and read a couple of our text messages. He assured me she wouldn't call again and that when she got drunk she frequently called him to yell at him about their divorce.

That was a Sunday night. A whole week went by and everything seemed to go back to normal. The following week, I was sitting at my desk at work on a Friday at 4:30. My phone rang, and low and behold, it was Psycho Phone Stalker herself. Since I was at work, I let it go to voice mail. She called 3 times in rapid fire succession, each time leaving me a drunk, hostile message.

Number 1: "Belinda, it's Mary. I just wanted to tell you that you kinda sound smart, but not really. Wait, you sound dumb. Who's name is Belinda, anyways? Anyways... I want you to be my ally. I really need an ally up there because I'm worried about Kirk. [starts fake crying] And I just want to make sure he's okay. Call me back, okay?"

Number 2, less than 1 minute later: "Belinda, it's Mary. Listen, I'm sure you're cute and all, but you sound really stupid. And Kirk is really fucking stupid, so I hope you're happy with him. You deserve each other, you're both so stupid. But you need to call me back, I need to talk to you. Okay?"

Number 3, 2 minutes later: "Belinda, it's Mary. Okay, why aren't you calling me back? WHY? Why are you such a stupid bitch? Why don't you come down here to Orange County so we can settle this? Come down here, you stupid bitch, so we can go toe to toe! Okay, call me back!!"

I sat at my desk, staring at my phone. I called my voice mail, heard all the craziness and got angry I called Kirk immediately. He told me to come over to his house so we could talk about it. He wanted to call her in front of me and tell her to leave me alone. So, I went over there and he called. There was a lot of mumbled yelling on the other end of the phone, but he was clear to her that it was over with them and that she should not be contacting me.

A month went by, and no word from Psycho Phone Stalker. But the seeds of doubt had been planted, and I distanced myself slightly from Kirk. I told him I needed some time to figure things out. He continued to call me and wanted to see me, but I was busier than normal, "due to work." He didn't seemed phased by this and told me everyday that he loved me. I really wanted to believe him.

After a month of reflection, I decided that I loved him and wanted to be with him. At the same time, we needed to figure out what to do with the ex and how to get her to stop harassing me. We agreed to meet at the same coffee place on a Saturday afternoon to talk. We got there and he told me he was in love with me and willing to work on anything he had to to keep me in his life. Part of the problem with the ex, he said, was that the custody situation hadn't been totally worked out since he moved away. He told me he had a mediation with her in a couple of weeks, and that he'd heard she'd started dating someone. So, things should be smoother going forward.

The next Monday, I was at work and at about 5:00, the cell phone blew up again. It was her, and she left 3 messages. This time, she said that I was a home wrecker and that they were not divorced. I had this feeling that she was right. So I looked them up online and discovered they were not divorced or separated, but still married. I called him and told him I knew the truth, to which he vehemently stated he had every intention of divorcing her, but because of the kid and financial complications, it would take some time. I told him I wasn't interested. He continued to call me every few days, prompting this:

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DATE: June 16, 2008 12:05:36 AM PST
FROM: BELINDA
TO: KIRK
SUBJECT:Re: hi from Kirk

Hi Kirk.

Since I discovered Mary is still your wife and you are married, I took some time to think about things. I needed time to process how I feel. Sorry I haven't returned your calls, but that's the truth.

You were not honest with me about your marital status. You lied to me multiple times about this.

I'm not interested in being a part of the situation or being continually threatened and/or harassed by your spouse on my cell phone. I am sorry to have to tell you this via email, however I find easier for me to write how I feel. I hope you understand.

It would be best for me to part ways at this juncture. I enjoyed having you in my life and despite things wish you all the best with your future endeavors.

B

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DATE: June 22, 2008 12:56:06 PM PST
FROM: KIRK
TO: BELINDA
SUBJECT: re: Re: hi from Kirk

Hi Belinda,

I know we spoke on Friday, and I just read your e-mail.
I wish things could move faster, or were different altogether regarding the timing of our relationship. I miss you greatly and hope to give you good news in a timely manner. I'm in the process of moving and am going through a tough turn. I cherish my time with you and would love more.

Kirk

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DATE: July 12, 2008 8:34 PM
FROM: BELINDA
TO: KIRK +1760******2
TEXT MESSAGE

Please do not contact me subsequent to this message. I do not want to be involved with you in any capacity, even if you do get a divorce. It is clear that you have repeatedly lied to me, your family and even yourself, so there is nothing for you to come back to with me. I feel sorry for your situation, but am now aware that you have brought this on yourself. I hope you get some professional help and despite things wish you well.

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He called a few times and I didn't answer, but he left this voice mail on 7/16:

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Hi Belinda, this is Kirk. I just wanted to call and tell you I hope you're, uh, doing well. And I think about you all the time. Um, [cough] sorry I lied. I didn't lie to you, I lied to other people about things. I just wanted to let you to know that, and that I didn't lie to you. Anyway... but I, I lied anyway. But I hope that you're doing well and I just wanted to reiterate that and I think about you all the time. So, I miss you and just wanted to tell you that. Have a good one. You could c... bye."

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DATE: July 19, 2008 12:36:58 PM PDT
FROM: BELINDA
TO: KIRK
SUBJECT:My $0.02

Kirk:

I received your voice mail message, and appreciate the thought. In the interest of not giving your wife any reason to harass me since she checks your cell phone bill, I felt an email would be the best way to address the message.

You did lie to me, Kirk, in addition to yourself and your family. You told me you were divorced on multiple occasions, which is not true. I checked. How long did you think you could keep up lying? What was it about me that said, "I deserve to be lied to and taken advantage of in addition to harassed by a psychotic drunk woman?" Why drag an innocent third party into your messy, abusive relationship? How could you look me in the eye knowing everything you said to me was bullshit?

You violated my trust and there is no way it will ever be repaired. What's worse, you made me feel stupid for believing you when the truth slipped out in one form or another. Too bad no one had the balls to outright tell me you are married and that I didn't trust my intuition, which caused me to distance myself from you after the last round of calls. And yet I gave you one more chance, which you took as a further opportunity to lie to my face.

I wish you no ill will, but I do not want to have you in my life. Please leave me alone to find some peace and a guy honest enough to deserve a relationship with me.

Belinda

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Let's hope that does the trick.