Thursday, December 08, 2005

CASE # 24 : V + KJ

LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: hellish eternity
INFO: my blog.


DATE: 2005
SUBJECT: Actual letter: long, but trust me, it's worth it

Dear K,

Thank you for your emails. I am flattered that you still think about me after I moved to a different country, changed my telephone number and filed my 27th police report against you.

I apologize for not being able to reply sooner. I know you've been anxiously trying to contact me since I received 78 hangups on my voice mailbox within 3 days of departure. Thanks for your offer to write a letter to the Department of Homeland Security to retract your "mistake". However, everything has been cleared up. I submitted recorded evidence that the information alleging my "terrorist connections" was false and my file has been duly rectified, allowing me to re-enter the United States should I ever choose to in the future.

I can't tell you how I regret the way things ended between us. How could I ignore you as reached out to me just hours after you accidentally bashed my head into a cast iron ashtray? How I wish I had spent that last night with you, in your noisy apartment and saggy bed, listening to you snore while trying to hold my breath so that the puffs of air would not wake you and send you into paroxysms of anger. Instead I wasted my last nights in San Francisco with someone I loved and who loved me. I'm so stupid sometimes. Or as you like to say, I am a stupid, ugly, disgusting whore.

I do admit my love has got some annoying habits, like picking me up from the airport. Even worse, he sometimes picks his friends up from the airport. He really has too many friends. In fact, he's even friends with his ex. We've gone out a couple of times with her and her boyfriend. She's very cool. Is it me or is that weird? Do you have any exes who have not requested police involvement? My friends all love him too, which makes me think there must be something very wrong.

We've gone on one trip and we didn't fight at all. He doesn't call me a bitch, a cunt or a whore. In fact, he's never said the c-word to a woman. What is up with that? I'm going to see him this xmas and I'm a worried that we won't get into a screaming fight or that he won't break my finger by mistake. What kind of vacation would it be if I didn't go to the hospital (by myself, in the middle of the night, in Southern Thailand) or call the police? If he doesn't slap me around soon, I think I'm just going to have to call it quits. Speaking of injuries, he hasn't mentioned the scar on my face (from when you threw me against the wall "in self-defense") at all! He didn't demand I consult a plastic surgeon or refuse to be seen with me in public without makeup covering it.

I've also had to get into the habit of leaving my email up on the computer and having him check my voicemail for me because he is SIMPLY IS NOT INTERESTED in covertly installing a spy program to steal all my passwords or copying my address book and all the emails I've ever sent in my life. I don't know if I'll be able to put up with this kind of neglect. I can't say there weren't warning sings about that though. I mean, he never broke into his ex girlfriends (or his sister's or his sister's boyfriend's) email so I really shouldn't kid myself that things will change.

And the sex! So much sex! WTF?! This guy has like zero downtime. I think it must be all the sports he plays. He's always active. He's always running, training, driving to the beach, surfing, reading at the park. Then at night we go out AGAIN. To listen to music, to watch shows, to go dancing! People keep telling me what a great dancer he is. What kind of guy is a great dancer? That's just not manly.

- Why couldn't I find a guy like you? A masculine guy, who works out obsessively and only spends time in the office. (And plucks his eyebrows)

- Why couldn't I find a guy who didn't have any friends? A guy who loved me so much he wouldn't let me have friends either.

- Why couldn't I find another guy who tirelessly reminded me how good-looking, well-educated and utterly superior (racially, gender-wise, etc, etc) he was to me and everybody else?

-Why couldn't I find a guy who told me (all the time) how dumb I was and how I went to a shit school compared out of the Ivy League undergrad institution he got kicked out off and the MBA program he was suspended from because he was caught cheating?

- Why couldnt't I find a guy who pretended for months to his best friends that he was going to Wharton, then later when a friend of his actually got in he attempted to get her kicked out because "she didn't deserve to be studying there"?

-Why couldn't I find a guy who monitored his ex's email for years after they broke up then later filed a completely bogus claim against her in civil court "just because"?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who could school me in the ways of the world, i.e. women are whores and bitches, gay marriage is wrong, white people rule the world? (But only in private of course, he wouldn't be [ballsy] crass enough to repeat this to anyone else. Especially not his female boss. Or his Indian and Mexican co-workers. Or his gay hairdresser. People just aren't ready for that kind of enlightenment. Plus the fact, that you are only half-white, it would just confuse them.)

- Why couldn't I find a guy whose own frequent infidelities caused a powerful paranoia to grip his psyche which he expressed by constantly accusing me of cheating? And when cornered about his own indiscretions blamed me for not having breast impants?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who did not rest until I was absolutely convinced all my 110lb, master degree holding, socially conscious, popular girlfriends were actually fat, stupid, ugly whores ? (cough, cough, your beloved 150lb sister cheated on her boyfriend, 3x cough, cough)

- Why couldn't I find a guy who told me I was too fat at 106 lbs?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who, when a co-worker left a bag at his apartment, poked through it and stole the guy's social security number?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who could distill the art of photography into, "framing the picture and clicking" (then photoshopping later)? Why couldn't I find a guy who memorized painting captions in the Moma to exhibit his cultural IQ? Who goes to the opera because it is the default signal of "class" instead of possibly developing orginal tastes in music? Whose critical opinion of an aria is summed up in "too jaunty"?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who sat at home and read Moby Dick (for 3 months, and counting) because spending time with your friends (should you have any) or developing meaningful relationships with outside parties is "lame and pathetic"?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who liked to impress me and himself with his profundity by staring at canyons and tree stumps for extended periods of time?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who would look up quotations by famous philosophers to toss into emails yet for some reason seems to have not grasped the most basic foundations of their thoughts e.g. human dignity, the ephemeral nature of youth and beauty, irrelevance and infantilism of racism and sexism, the false trappings of wealth, the folly of conceit?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who expressed his opinion like a man (i.e. screaming and throwing a tantrum until you had to just agree with him or go deaf and/or get a black eye)? Whose idea of gaining consensus inolved choking me and banging my head on the floor while spitting on my face?

- Why couldn't I find a banker who made 200K yet amazingly still managed to act like the poorest person I ever met?

- Why couldn't I find a guy with bad hair, bad clothes and bad shoes that I have to completely makeover?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who keeps a complete file on me including everything I've ever written (even grocery lists), all my voicemails tape recorded, and hair samples for possible DNA testing?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who records his sexual interludes with out notifying his partner(s)?

- Why couldn't I find another former gigolo?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who would call me 412 times while I was out, repeatedly break into my apartment or lurk outside my door for hours waiting for me to come home?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who told everyone he knew literally, with a straight face, that *I* was the psycho?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who threatened legal action if I left him?

- Why couldn't I find a guy who when we met at a restaurant and I'M EARLY and HE'S LATE, starts an argument about how really, since it was his idea to meet somewhere else which I didn't agree to because meeting there would have made me late, I'M in fact THE ONE WHO WAS LATE even if I got to the restaurant FIRST, and not only was I late, I was also inconsiderate because he had to walk 4 blocks by himself. Briskly. And now he's sweaty. Gross. Bitch slap right across the head.

Instead I end up with a guy who's, uh, non-violent. A guy who is so well-balanced, he has absolutely no interest in even mild verbal sparring based on events you thought it appropriate to start WWIII e.g. like when I stored the protein and the carbs on the same shelf, or when I used clorox wipes instead of a sponge, or when the birthday gift that *I* bought and *I* sent to your mom arrived there late because you were screaming at me for agreeing to go to dinner with my friends on my birthday (which was incidentally on the same day and you made clear had no plans for). Instead, I end up with a guy who allows me to go out when he wants to stay home; who is successful at work, relationships and sports; who I can only describe with the staid and uninspired adjectives of considerate, intelligent, generous, fun, popular, NORMAL. Oh, and hot. I need someone to constantly remind me that they're hot, otherwise I forget.

What was I thinking? I know now he will never be the man that you are.

Maybe it's just as well that I got accepted into school in England. I'll be starting in the winter term. I hate to go back to cold weather but c'est la vie.

Send my regards to Gwen. Since (as you have so considerately, repeatedly informed me despite my requests that you NEVER EMAIL/CALL/IN ANYWAY CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN) you are on a trip with your mistress, I assume things are going great with you and Kelly. Didn't I tell you you guys would make a great couple? Next time you go into Central Police Station make sure to say hi to all the guys for me.

Darling, I still miss the death threats.
I miss the bruises.
I miss your relentless barrage of racist, misogynist, laughably insecure insults.
And most of all.
I miss you.

How am I going to live without you?

P.S. I forgot to mention that you might want to wash the comforter I left when I moved away.

P.P.S. Love that tank.


[wow. it seems that this couple still doesn't have the e-closure they've been looking for. UPDATED, DEC. 14th, 2005.]

FROM: "K.J."
TO: "V."
DATE: Dec 13, 2005 9:44 PM
SUBJECT: kiss UK goodbye!

you crossed the line -- this is a quasi-public forum, mine is not. i'm not the one who gave your fucking loser asian friends the address.

the blog, all the craiglists postings, blogtopsites registration (please)--take it all down right now.

porn goes up tonight -- hope will, len, paki, diane, rob are still reading. i was actually looking very much forward to an excuse to escalate. gave gwen a pass, but not this time.

cambridge? yea, ookkk. i'll cover the entire EU just to be safe. sure you can re-enter the US. LOL

fyi, you're fucking ugly


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I imagine that she thinks this letter is very clever -- and in a lot of ways, it is -- but it makes her look nearly as bad as the ex-arsehole. Let me guess, she stayed with him in spite of all of that horribleness because of the $200K, right?

11:24 AM, December 09, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nah, i bet she stayed in the relationship because he was abusing her, and she started to believe that she was a piece of crap (like he told her in various ways), that she couldn't do any better, and that her life might be even more in danger if she left him.

i'm glad to see the resistance represented in her letter. it's good to see that she's angry. she deserves to be, and i think it's quite healthy. she's managed to hang on to some of her self-esteem, or has begun to cultivate it again.

i don't think a letter like this makes her look "nearly as bad as the ex-arsehole" who degraded her and hit her over a period of time. this is someone who severely abused her, and now she's standing up for herself. bravo.

12:50 PM, December 09, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nah, i bet she stayed in the relationship because he was abusing her, and she started to believe that she was a piece of crap (like he told her in various ways), that she couldn't do any better, and that her life might be even more in danger if she left him.

i'm glad to see the resistance represented in her letter. it's good to see that she's angry. she deserves to be, and i think it's quite healthy. she's managed to hang on to some of her self-esteem, or has begun to cultivate it again.

i don't think a letter like this makes her look "nearly as bad as the ex-arsehole" who degraded her and hit her over a period of time. this is someone who severely abused her, and now she's standing up for herself. bravo.

9:11 PM, December 09, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we don't actually know how long she stayed with him, as a matter of fact. but as the anonymous above said, bravo for her. for having left him and found someone else to have given meaning and love as it should be. i wish i knew who this guy was, so i could get my buddies together and go and beat the crap out of him. no person should ever go through what this young woman did.

11:32 AM, December 10, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guys like this usually end up finally running into a woman who ultimately turns around and beats the crap out of them... or shoots them...

6:48 PM, December 10, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm more concerned with his reply. Assuming of course it's his.
He leaves of with "you're fucking ugly" which really just says he's got horrendous taste in women. I mean dood, YOU dated her not me. So why do I care what she looks like.

And the fact you've got porn (of the two of you?) doesn't speak too well of either of you from the get go.

You're mearly validating her comments by being a childish wanker.
Just becasue she can't let it go - you're looking to escalate? Haven't you done enough? All muscle and no brain is no way to go through the next 40 years.

Get some help and be thankful for the wakeup call.

3:51 PM, December 16, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think this letter makes her look bad at all. So she's hanging their dirty laundry in public? The fact that he's embarrased & she's not shows who was in the wrong. Why would he be pissed she's telling if he didn't believe subconsciously he was in the wrong?
Thank God she's moved. I don't think an ocean would be enough distance away from this creep.

7:20 PM, December 17, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, that tank really is the worst.

10:32 PM, December 18, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who the hell are you guys kiding? This girl is a total dumbass. Anyone with half a brain would realize she is an idiot. They were obviously together for a long time if she had a list of 200 things he did.

2:28 PM, December 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must have been together a while... it sounded like they lived together. Yeah, he sounds like an ass, but (pity aside) so does she.

3:38 PM, December 19, 2005  
Anonymous tony said...

This is the first letter I could honestly care less about... every letter until now has had an impact on me. This was just boring, immature, silliness. What a waste of time.

12:19 PM, December 21, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's a comment from someone who has been there. There is an obvious unspoken cultural issue here. The guy is plainly an abuser, no question, who will eventually go to jail for his behavior. Fuck him. This girl wants, and needs, a traditional marriage, something very solid that she can hold on to. She's playing only because she has time and apparently relatively family pressure to settle down. I expect that she will soon, if she hasn't yet. And I hope her man is a traditional type, either white church boy or a traditional asian man. It's really unfortunate that she didn't have a support system that prevented all this disgusting abuse. Where were her friends?? She only stayed because she wanted to be loved!!!

10:30 PM, December 26, 2005  
Anonymous Jill said...

Excuse me for trying to be balanced, but I don't know if we shold be taking as gospel the word of a dumped immigrant--to put it bluntly, sorry V. My current's ex- didn't like it too much when he tossed her out for me. And I have to say, losing that green card creates a lot of hostility on top of the usual emotions of no longer being desired by someone you cared about. This girl stalked me/us for 4 months--it only ended when he threatened to go to immigration.

Have you girls read HIS blog? She broke into his apartment, more than once I think! They went to court! If we're going to have a real discussion, I think we need to consider both sides here, or let's just rename the site to "e-shitonguyswhodumpedus"

Totally with Tony, btw, LAME letter to boot. Silly. You're gonna rip on a tank top? That's definitely the right tone for someone claming repeated verbal and physical abuse. huh? And the whole letter screams "she's not over him" like it's a massive self-validation thing. Been there. I wish there was another guy, but I really doubt it, if you were truly in love again V, this one wouldn't be even an afterthought, take it from me.

3:25 PM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger said...

Hey Charles,
Whatdya say we rename the site to
"e-shitonguyswhodumpedus" ?

4:10 PM, December 27, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

weird, weird girl. am I allowed to say loony here? strange mix of (extreme) pettiness, bitterness, rage, sentimentality, jealousy. or maybe that's normal when you're dumped?

any way we can invite KJ into the forum,C&D? He shut down his blog damnit.

11:04 AM, December 28, 2005  
Blogger said...

KJ is definately invited to share. And if he shared, we'd post. We didn't know about his site.

-Tony and Jill and whoever else commented... you're right. This isn't the kind of letter we mean to post, it strays from our thesis. But we did anyways. This isn't a place to trash your ex, or shit on them. But we let it happen. We posted it because it was a different letter and we thought some people would enjoy it, and they did. If you can forgive us, then that'd be swell. If you can't then we'll just cry ourselves to sleep on our huge pillows.


11:44 AM, December 29, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know. When I dated Vanda (in philly), she made me call her really nasty names too.

4:10 PM, January 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought the point of e-closure is to let people get their hurts and bad relationships out of their systems, while the rest of us get to feel validated because at least our lives aren't that f*cked up. If so, this is an ideal letter. I liked it!

3:32 PM, January 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the hell is wrong with all of you people?!!!! You are defending a guy who would knock a woman's head into a wall and spit on her. Jesus, I hope that none of you have significant others....

11:21 PM, April 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He sounds like a nasty abuser and I understand her anger but I think it was a mistake to ever send it. Humiliating an abuser is the best way to escalate the situation and make things 10 times worse for herself. She should be more concerned for her safety rather than provoking this man. Maybe in some sick way she needs his attention still?

11:48 AM, July 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Excuse me for trying to be balanced, but I don't know if we shold be taking as gospel the word of a dumped immigrant..."


9:28 PM, September 26, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love her letter to him.
I know almost exactly how she feels (I never got spit on and it was a crystal ashtray that my head broke.) Abusive relationships scar you for life and you never really get over the hurt for being treated as less than a human. For being manipulated and then giving into it so you won't have to hold your breath when you break a dish. For being a completely brainwashed Stepford wife. I hope this girl got closure by putting his "dirty laundry" in public, because I sure as hell did when I told the police.
Oh and I stayed in a one and a half year relationship that started to become abusive in the seventh month, I stayed because I felt he really was the only one who would ever love me and that I deserved to get kicked in the face when I told him that I had a better job offer that paid more money than his.

No one should ever feel like they deserved to be kicked and punched when you get a job offer.

I'm very glad for you girl.

1:21 PM, November 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's sad the replies this girl has recieved. My ex-wife told me a story quite similar to this about her recent boyfriend. The night it all escalated and they broke up he choked her until she passed out, then woke her up and put a gun to her throat and cocked it. She told me how she had to plead for her life with him (This all went on with my 2 year old son in the room nearby). When she called him and told him she called the police his only response was that he wished he would have killed her. Anyways this wasn't the first time he had become violent, and she didn't want anybody to know because she was embarassed!?

After she told me everything of their relationship I couldn't believe that anyone would stay under those kind of conditions. But many do, like "V" did for some time.

It's good V came out and revealed this loser for the piece of shit he truly is.

5:03 AM, November 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - it's frightening

12:29 AM, January 10, 2007  
Blogger Grifter9931 said...

LOLL amazing......... Guys who "hit, beat, slap, abuse, throw into anything, threatens, spies on" girls are not necessarily the best people. Trying to explain why you did this also is not acceptable.

She may be "dumb" for having him mess with "her self esteem". But seriously........ As a guy, why on earth would you do any of this to someone you care about?

As for girls/women who deal with this type of stuff..... What the hell is wrong with you also... He must love me because he beats me like a piñata?? Good logic genius.

Please save the “i was abused as a child or this is what I know emails" Sooo...... You should be a grown up now. And as such , should maybe act like a grown up. As much as those things sucked as when it was happening to you, you return the favor by doing it to someone else?

Look I know "people" guy or girl can be unbelievably cruel in some of the things they do to other people. But when is enough........ Really enough?

Dear Jill........ Wow ... chick.... What crappy up bringing did you have?????

"Excuse me for trying to be balanced, but I don't know if we shold be taking as gospel the word of a dumped immigrant..."

When it is revealed that the other side a women beater. That’s when we take sides. Please try and be a better bigot the world needs more of you...... Not

2:48 PM, June 01, 2007  
Blogger Kasey said...

grifter9931, take a class in psychology and you'll understand why people stay in relationships such as these. Don't act so ignorant.

2:13 AM, August 17, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If this man is as bad as she says he is – and he sounds like a sociopath – then why encourage his vengeful and paranoid behaviour further with this indirect communication? I understand the felling of wanting to stick it to a person who may have been downright evil to you, but is it not wiser to just cut off communication completely and protect yourself by documenting any further attempts on his part at contact or harassment? It’s a bit like poking a stick at a rabid lion.

1:23 AM, August 31, 2009  

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