CASE # 23: AMERICAN GIRL + NIMI
SUBMITTED BY: AMERICAN GIRL
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: Apparently there was no "relationship" to speak of - only arranged encounters. However, getting rid of this guy is a long arduous process due to me wanting to be nice and remain friends. Ha.
INFO: I (the Korean-American) am a girl and the tall dark an handsome Israeli is a man - if only because he has the appendages to biologically be called that. We met at a dance club when he came up and asked if I knew how to salsa. Completely taken aback by his looks and charming accent and the attention he paid to ME of all the girls in the bar, I immediately said no, feeling too embarrassed to dance with him even though I'm pretty good at salsa.
"I'll teach you". He took my hand and for the rest of the night I danced the night away in his embrace. I enjoyed his attention and flirtatious manner but something told me that he was just another guy looking to get laid. When we sat down to talk he was very good at seeming to be completely absorbed in the conversation. We immediately hit it off and were making each other laugh as if we had known each other for ages. He had only been in New York for a week, having moved here from Israel for a job at the Israeli Consulate. At the end of the night he asked for my number and that was the beginning of our few and far between "dates".
Our "relationship" ended up being nothing more than him calling me when he could get a hold of no one else. The charm he had turned on the very first night disappeared and after each encounter with him he would make me feel as if I were being kicked out. What's worse, I began to realize that he had come to me at the bar because I was the only Asian looking (I am half Korean) girl there which was enough to satisfy his Asian fetish.
The beginning of the end occurred when a guy I had been absolutely in love with back home came to town for a visit and answered my phone when Nimi called. The following set of e-mails explains this first step in the breakup.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 14:00:08 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT: collecting my prize
so who is this guy ? not that I care. I'll B happy for you if you would B in Love.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 12:02:43 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: a guy and one helluva long story...
...but since you don't care i'll give you the super short story... his name is Sam. he comes from California. i was in love with him for three years. whether he ever knew that, i'm not sure. i moved to nyc and haven't looked back. i'm over it. he's in new york for a while. his phone got stolen on wednesday. i loaned him mine so he wouldn't be totally cut off from the world. i'm still not sure why he told you he was my boyfriend, or why he even answered the phone in the first place. however since you made it a point not to come out to where I was last night, but instead made it obvious that you were going out and not telling me where (perhaps afraid of me showing up because you were with your "girlfriend") i can assume that you were upset which is understandable.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE:Fri, 04 Nov 2005 19:07:30 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT:RE: a guy and one helluva long story...
I'm not upset! the opposite. dont worry about.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 14:11:39 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: RE: a guy and one helluva long story...
you're the opposite? so you're ecstatic? awesome. but wait, then why were you so adamant about being elusive last night?
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 19:27:32 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT: RE: a guy and one helluva long story...
I wasnt. I was just surprized about the boyfriend thing. and again - I dont mind! cause as it seems - and as much as I adore you ( !!!! ) we dont stand a chance as a couple, do we?
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 15:10:33 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: none
maybe not. Whatever. Adios.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 16:22:32 -0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT: none
no need to cut the connection between you. you're a good friend and we're having great times together. not sure that we're good for a couple- but dont even dare to forget my telephone number. I wish you lots of luck with your boyfriend.
NIMI
----------------------------------------------------
I wish I could say I was graceful enough to leave it at that. It would've been an easy out. However I ended up inviting him to my birthday party a few weeks later via mass e-mail (trying to be friends) When he responded with phone call suggesting that we hang out I was surprised. I was reluctant to meet him, but he was adamant about coming to see my place- which he had always been too lazy to do before, making me always come to him. I was shocked by this turn of events and saw it as a chance to be friends. I thought he was finally understanding me. We even made a bet about whether or not he was actually going to come to Queens or not.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 16:26:28 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: coffee
ummm, so by the way you're horribly allergic to cats and I have one in my apartment. i'm forfeiting the bet and therefore neither of us wins or loses the whole "nimi going above 90th street" bet. so i'll buy myself my own cup of decaf coffee with soy milk and chocolate, and you'll buy yourself your own cup of coffee with whip cream and chocolate.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 21:48:27 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American girl
SUBJECT: RE: coffee
so I'm not gonna c you?
----------------------------------------------------
DATE:Tue, 15 Nov 2005 16:57:23 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: RE: coffee
yeah you're not gonna see me because i only exist in Queens and that was absolutely the ONLY PLACE i would EVER meet you. =) sarcasm. anyway if you actually have the time to meet me let me know and we can meet somewhere else like a coffee shop... i have time tonight around 7 p.m. when i get off work.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 21:58:11 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT:RE: coffee
cant today. believe it or not- I'll B in Sunnyside for a show.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE:Tue, 15 Nov 2005 17:13:05 -0500
FROM: American girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: none
HA! I totally knew there was some reason you were so freakin' adamant about being able to come visit me - not because you wanted to take time and make the effort but only because - it was totally convenient for you. Nimi, Nimi, NIMI... We're definitely not couple material especially since we were never dating, so I figured we'd be okay as friends. I'm not so sure we (as in BOTH OF US) have the time or patience to even be friends because we can't even hang out together! I'm totally not big on communicating only by phone and e-mail unless you're in a different STATE or COUNTRY. You kept wondering how I could so easily NOT keep in touch with you?
gee, I wonder...
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 19:16:03 -0500
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT:
what are you talking about??
1. no. it WANSNT the reason o come there. I can come TODAY if you want. or Tomorrow! or any day!
2. if you dont want to stay in touch - dont. but I think that it would be a mistake.
----------------------------------------------------
Somehow he had managed to make me feel like such a bitch for my outburst. I waited a few days to respond (on my 25 birthday) and wrote the following:
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 18 Nov 2005
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: none
Since this is my own personal new year, I'm starting it off by clearing my head and my heart of things that uneccessarily weigh me down...
1. We were never dating - and we never will. "I won't go on a date with you again" - so you told me this last night and really, I can't even think of when we actually DID go on a date - no worries. I'm pretty sure you're a "player" (which I don't care if you are), but I'm not going to be your consolation prize when another girl you've gone on a date with turns you down later.
2. "I feel like I just cheated" - do you remember telling me this after we first had sex? That hurt me a lot more than it should have. I realize it hurt me because you were thinking of the girl back in Israel and I was thinking of a guy back in California.
3. Unfortunately I really enjoy your company when we can actually get together and just talk about whatever. You make me laugh, A LOT, and I'm intrigued by your intensity. However I've come to realize that I'm probably not going to see you again anytime soon. You tell me you have Saturday afternoon off - I've got dance practice until 4 p.m. and even if we were to make plans to meet, somehow you'd find something that would get in the way of that, I'm sure.
4. Have you ever thought of inviting me along to go see movies, parties, clubs, bars, a night out, grab a snack, shop for stuff, ANYTHING? Not at all. This is why I wrote in my last e-mail that I don't even think we can be friends. I'm the type of person who is always trying to include my friends in everything. Even if I'm going out with one group of friends, I'll let another group know where I'm going in case they're looking for something to do. It's just the way I am. I have friends that I can just go shopping with, no matter how boring it is, I'm always more than happy to just get together and hang out. I've called people up on the spur of the moment because I'm in their neighborhood and have gone grocery shopping just for the conversation with a friend! Whenever we talk, I feel like you've just called me because you had nothing better to do, not because you want to talk or even make plans to see me. You just can't get a hold of anybody else at that moment, so you call me. I try very hard not to ever make any of my friends or loved ones feel that way, so when I'm made to feel that way (which you have done on numerous occasions) it cuts pretty deeply.
5. You answering your phone in the middle of sex while you were still INSIDE OF ME, made me feel like a complete WHORE. And if you remember, yes I was laughing at you. I was laughing because I couldn't believe how ridiculous I felt. You absolutely had NO FREAKIN' CLUE HOW HORRIBLE YOU WERE MAKING THE NAKED GIRL BENEATH YOU FEEL!!! Actually, most of the times I've spent with you I ended up feeling like I'm just a body to fuck - not that I ever thought we'd be anything more to each other.
6. Nimi, am I worth your time? Before you call me ever again or even write me an e-mail seriously ask yourself if you want to have a friendship with me. Ask yourself if you are ever going to call me just because you want to know how my day was- and not just because no one else will answer the phone. Are you going to invite me out to fun events? Are you going to call me in advance to know if I have plans for the weekend? Are you ever going to call me and plan to go out to dinner/lunch/breakfast, so we can have a conversation? Can you ever think of me just as a friend and not a girl that you can try and talk into giving you a blow job? Nimi, am I worth your time?
7.You wrote me that you think it would be a mistake if we didn't keep in touch, I ask you WHY you think that. Why? How would things be different? What's the difference for you having one less person in your phonebook? If I knew for sure that we could be friends, I'd love to keep in touch with you. However given our history, unless I know we've come to a clear understanding of our friendship, I don't want to keep in touch. It's a waste of my time to get happy over the possiblity of hanging out with you, if it just ends up with me feeling like I'm disposable. Alanis sings a song that is my mantra.
American Girl
----------------------------------------------------
Nimi's response was to take me out to dinner on a real "date" and apologize for being a jerk. He was charming and attractive and I fell for it. He explained that he met me right when he had moved here and was caught up in starting his new life- so caught up that he treated me like shit not giving me enough attention and noticing what he was doing to me, and for that he greatly apologized and wanted to remain friends. He then went on to explain his idea about casual sex and how it doesn't really mean antying other than a sign of affection for friends. All the while he caressed my hand, complimented my looks, and turned up the charm full blast. My heart beat faster and I wanted to kiss him. At the end of the conversation he gave me a hug and asked for a kiss on the cheek. Right then I told him I never wanted to see him again. He looked sorely disappointed and dramatically took out his phone and deleted my phone number. I walked away without looking back- but I had a huge lump in my throat. That was last night. This morning I wrote him this e-mail and I wish with all my might I could take it back. I exposed myself more than I wanted to.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: 2005
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: This is me...
...wishing I could take back saying goodbye to you. So I "slept on it" (a truly American term) and when I woke this morning I realized that I am battling against myself and not you. And yes, I am fighting a battle with myself for reasons that I will never be able to make you fully understand so for the sake of your sanity I will say right now that I do want to see you again and be friends. That being said, the following e-mail is simply a description of my apparent inablity to make up my mind about you and me and everything in between.
Everything you said about casual sex, I used to think and live by but on more gruesome terms. I used to be somewhat of a "slut", a "player", and I would toss men aside when I was done with them. I would fill myself up with the men I conquered (because I only ever thought of it as a game) and then I would walk away emptier than before. I validated myself, my very being, through sex. No matter how many times I got hurt by others, I would hurt myself more. I fell in love and I forced myself to change. Then I left him and came to New York. I started down that same damn path again but this time it wasn't to conquer people. You told me yourself that I am very open, giving, and I have a big heart. I gave too much of myself, too much of my friendship to people who didn't appreciate it.
That very first time we were together and we didn't have sex, it WAS a test. I was testing you and myself. You were giving me all these lines about how you didn't want to have sex because you knew how I felt about it, and I totally, TOTALLY didn't believe you. "What if I said its okay?" I said that because I didn't believe you. I've been told before "I want to wait on the sex because I respect you..." and then as soon as I say that every single guy has JUMPED at the chance. I go along and when it's over I walk away and never look back. You were right. Had you taken the bait I would have had sex with you that first night. But then I would've dropped you as soon as I walked out your door.
I didn't ever want to see you again because of the fact that I just want to rip your clothes off every time I see you and in the end have it mean nothing more than two friends hanging out. However, I don't like that aspect of myself. I don't like that I can disregard myself and be with someone who doesn't value it anymore than just another "friend". I don't like it that I am capable of simply having casual sex with someone I actually kinda like. It's sort of like being a robot- shutting myself off from emotion. It is not fair to me to be with you, be attracted to you and all at once hope that you really are a better person than the guy who made me feel like shit before.
With that said, it is also not fair for me to completely cut someone out of my life because they were being honest. You told me upfront what you think and I respect that. I don't necessarily have to agree with it, but I respect it. It is also not fair for me to cut someone out of my life because they remind me of who I used to be/still am. I am definitely tougher than that. Part of becoming a better person I suppose, is being able to recognize adversity and deal with it, instead of run away. I ran away from you and for that I am sorry.
You read my other e-mail, responded with grace, and apologized. That is all that I had asked for and I still cut you down.
Besides, you pinky swore that we will never have sex again, and I thank you for that promise. It may seem silly to you, but it will be enough for me to know that whatever you say, however you hug me, kiss me on the cheek, whatever CHARM you throw my way, it is just who you are and nothing more. There is no ulterior motive behind your flirtatious actions and I don't have to worry about being sexually tempted.
So I regret walking away from the beginning of a friendship, especially when you were obviously trying so hard to make time for me.
What's your schedule like this week? Haha. I am an American. I am female. I am neurotic. I do have a ton of emotional baggage. I am strong. I am a fighter. I am who I am.
I do want to see you.
American Girl
----------------------------------------------------
Damnit. I wish I could just let this one go already!!!! I can't seem to completely detach myself and only seem to extend the inevitble "breakup - forever - and - never - see - each other - again - ever - moment".
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: Apparently there was no "relationship" to speak of - only arranged encounters. However, getting rid of this guy is a long arduous process due to me wanting to be nice and remain friends. Ha.
INFO: I (the Korean-American) am a girl and the tall dark an handsome Israeli is a man - if only because he has the appendages to biologically be called that. We met at a dance club when he came up and asked if I knew how to salsa. Completely taken aback by his looks and charming accent and the attention he paid to ME of all the girls in the bar, I immediately said no, feeling too embarrassed to dance with him even though I'm pretty good at salsa.
"I'll teach you". He took my hand and for the rest of the night I danced the night away in his embrace. I enjoyed his attention and flirtatious manner but something told me that he was just another guy looking to get laid. When we sat down to talk he was very good at seeming to be completely absorbed in the conversation. We immediately hit it off and were making each other laugh as if we had known each other for ages. He had only been in New York for a week, having moved here from Israel for a job at the Israeli Consulate. At the end of the night he asked for my number and that was the beginning of our few and far between "dates".
Our "relationship" ended up being nothing more than him calling me when he could get a hold of no one else. The charm he had turned on the very first night disappeared and after each encounter with him he would make me feel as if I were being kicked out. What's worse, I began to realize that he had come to me at the bar because I was the only Asian looking (I am half Korean) girl there which was enough to satisfy his Asian fetish.
The beginning of the end occurred when a guy I had been absolutely in love with back home came to town for a visit and answered my phone when Nimi called. The following set of e-mails explains this first step in the breakup.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 14:00:08 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT: collecting my prize
so who is this guy ? not that I care. I'll B happy for you if you would B in Love.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 12:02:43 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: a guy and one helluva long story...
...but since you don't care i'll give you the super short story... his name is Sam. he comes from California. i was in love with him for three years. whether he ever knew that, i'm not sure. i moved to nyc and haven't looked back. i'm over it. he's in new york for a while. his phone got stolen on wednesday. i loaned him mine so he wouldn't be totally cut off from the world. i'm still not sure why he told you he was my boyfriend, or why he even answered the phone in the first place. however since you made it a point not to come out to where I was last night, but instead made it obvious that you were going out and not telling me where (perhaps afraid of me showing up because you were with your "girlfriend") i can assume that you were upset which is understandable.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE:Fri, 04 Nov 2005 19:07:30 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT:RE: a guy and one helluva long story...
I'm not upset! the opposite. dont worry about.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 14:11:39 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: RE: a guy and one helluva long story...
you're the opposite? so you're ecstatic? awesome. but wait, then why were you so adamant about being elusive last night?
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 19:27:32 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT: RE: a guy and one helluva long story...
I wasnt. I was just surprized about the boyfriend thing. and again - I dont mind! cause as it seems - and as much as I adore you ( !!!! ) we dont stand a chance as a couple, do we?
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 15:10:33 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: none
maybe not. Whatever. Adios.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 16:22:32 -0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT: none
no need to cut the connection between you. you're a good friend and we're having great times together. not sure that we're good for a couple- but dont even dare to forget my telephone number. I wish you lots of luck with your boyfriend.
NIMI
----------------------------------------------------
I wish I could say I was graceful enough to leave it at that. It would've been an easy out. However I ended up inviting him to my birthday party a few weeks later via mass e-mail (trying to be friends) When he responded with phone call suggesting that we hang out I was surprised. I was reluctant to meet him, but he was adamant about coming to see my place- which he had always been too lazy to do before, making me always come to him. I was shocked by this turn of events and saw it as a chance to be friends. I thought he was finally understanding me. We even made a bet about whether or not he was actually going to come to Queens or not.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 16:26:28 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: coffee
ummm, so by the way you're horribly allergic to cats and I have one in my apartment. i'm forfeiting the bet and therefore neither of us wins or loses the whole "nimi going above 90th street" bet. so i'll buy myself my own cup of decaf coffee with soy milk and chocolate, and you'll buy yourself your own cup of coffee with whip cream and chocolate.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 21:48:27 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American girl
SUBJECT: RE: coffee
so I'm not gonna c you?
----------------------------------------------------
DATE:Tue, 15 Nov 2005 16:57:23 -0500
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: RE: coffee
yeah you're not gonna see me because i only exist in Queens and that was absolutely the ONLY PLACE i would EVER meet you. =) sarcasm. anyway if you actually have the time to meet me let me know and we can meet somewhere else like a coffee shop... i have time tonight around 7 p.m. when i get off work.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 21:58:11 +0000
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT:RE: coffee
cant today. believe it or not- I'll B in Sunnyside for a show.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE:Tue, 15 Nov 2005 17:13:05 -0500
FROM: American girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: none
HA! I totally knew there was some reason you were so freakin' adamant about being able to come visit me - not because you wanted to take time and make the effort but only because - it was totally convenient for you. Nimi, Nimi, NIMI... We're definitely not couple material especially since we were never dating, so I figured we'd be okay as friends. I'm not so sure we (as in BOTH OF US) have the time or patience to even be friends because we can't even hang out together! I'm totally not big on communicating only by phone and e-mail unless you're in a different STATE or COUNTRY. You kept wondering how I could so easily NOT keep in touch with you?
gee, I wonder...
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 19:16:03 -0500
FROM: Nimi
TO: American Girl
SUBJECT:
what are you talking about??
1. no. it WANSNT the reason o come there. I can come TODAY if you want. or Tomorrow! or any day!
2. if you dont want to stay in touch - dont. but I think that it would be a mistake.
----------------------------------------------------
Somehow he had managed to make me feel like such a bitch for my outburst. I waited a few days to respond (on my 25 birthday) and wrote the following:
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: Fri, 18 Nov 2005
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: none
Since this is my own personal new year, I'm starting it off by clearing my head and my heart of things that uneccessarily weigh me down...
1. We were never dating - and we never will. "I won't go on a date with you again" - so you told me this last night and really, I can't even think of when we actually DID go on a date - no worries. I'm pretty sure you're a "player" (which I don't care if you are), but I'm not going to be your consolation prize when another girl you've gone on a date with turns you down later.
2. "I feel like I just cheated" - do you remember telling me this after we first had sex? That hurt me a lot more than it should have. I realize it hurt me because you were thinking of the girl back in Israel and I was thinking of a guy back in California.
3. Unfortunately I really enjoy your company when we can actually get together and just talk about whatever. You make me laugh, A LOT, and I'm intrigued by your intensity. However I've come to realize that I'm probably not going to see you again anytime soon. You tell me you have Saturday afternoon off - I've got dance practice until 4 p.m. and even if we were to make plans to meet, somehow you'd find something that would get in the way of that, I'm sure.
4. Have you ever thought of inviting me along to go see movies, parties, clubs, bars, a night out, grab a snack, shop for stuff, ANYTHING? Not at all. This is why I wrote in my last e-mail that I don't even think we can be friends. I'm the type of person who is always trying to include my friends in everything. Even if I'm going out with one group of friends, I'll let another group know where I'm going in case they're looking for something to do. It's just the way I am. I have friends that I can just go shopping with, no matter how boring it is, I'm always more than happy to just get together and hang out. I've called people up on the spur of the moment because I'm in their neighborhood and have gone grocery shopping just for the conversation with a friend! Whenever we talk, I feel like you've just called me because you had nothing better to do, not because you want to talk or even make plans to see me. You just can't get a hold of anybody else at that moment, so you call me. I try very hard not to ever make any of my friends or loved ones feel that way, so when I'm made to feel that way (which you have done on numerous occasions) it cuts pretty deeply.
5. You answering your phone in the middle of sex while you were still INSIDE OF ME, made me feel like a complete WHORE. And if you remember, yes I was laughing at you. I was laughing because I couldn't believe how ridiculous I felt. You absolutely had NO FREAKIN' CLUE HOW HORRIBLE YOU WERE MAKING THE NAKED GIRL BENEATH YOU FEEL!!! Actually, most of the times I've spent with you I ended up feeling like I'm just a body to fuck - not that I ever thought we'd be anything more to each other.
6. Nimi, am I worth your time? Before you call me ever again or even write me an e-mail seriously ask yourself if you want to have a friendship with me. Ask yourself if you are ever going to call me just because you want to know how my day was- and not just because no one else will answer the phone. Are you going to invite me out to fun events? Are you going to call me in advance to know if I have plans for the weekend? Are you ever going to call me and plan to go out to dinner/lunch/breakfast, so we can have a conversation? Can you ever think of me just as a friend and not a girl that you can try and talk into giving you a blow job? Nimi, am I worth your time?
7.You wrote me that you think it would be a mistake if we didn't keep in touch, I ask you WHY you think that. Why? How would things be different? What's the difference for you having one less person in your phonebook? If I knew for sure that we could be friends, I'd love to keep in touch with you. However given our history, unless I know we've come to a clear understanding of our friendship, I don't want to keep in touch. It's a waste of my time to get happy over the possiblity of hanging out with you, if it just ends up with me feeling like I'm disposable. Alanis sings a song that is my mantra.
American Girl
----------------------------------------------------
Nimi's response was to take me out to dinner on a real "date" and apologize for being a jerk. He was charming and attractive and I fell for it. He explained that he met me right when he had moved here and was caught up in starting his new life- so caught up that he treated me like shit not giving me enough attention and noticing what he was doing to me, and for that he greatly apologized and wanted to remain friends. He then went on to explain his idea about casual sex and how it doesn't really mean antying other than a sign of affection for friends. All the while he caressed my hand, complimented my looks, and turned up the charm full blast. My heart beat faster and I wanted to kiss him. At the end of the conversation he gave me a hug and asked for a kiss on the cheek. Right then I told him I never wanted to see him again. He looked sorely disappointed and dramatically took out his phone and deleted my phone number. I walked away without looking back- but I had a huge lump in my throat. That was last night. This morning I wrote him this e-mail and I wish with all my might I could take it back. I exposed myself more than I wanted to.
----------------------------------------------------
DATE: 2005
FROM: American Girl
TO: Nimi
SUBJECT: This is me...
...wishing I could take back saying goodbye to you. So I "slept on it" (a truly American term) and when I woke this morning I realized that I am battling against myself and not you. And yes, I am fighting a battle with myself for reasons that I will never be able to make you fully understand so for the sake of your sanity I will say right now that I do want to see you again and be friends. That being said, the following e-mail is simply a description of my apparent inablity to make up my mind about you and me and everything in between.
Everything you said about casual sex, I used to think and live by but on more gruesome terms. I used to be somewhat of a "slut", a "player", and I would toss men aside when I was done with them. I would fill myself up with the men I conquered (because I only ever thought of it as a game) and then I would walk away emptier than before. I validated myself, my very being, through sex. No matter how many times I got hurt by others, I would hurt myself more. I fell in love and I forced myself to change. Then I left him and came to New York. I started down that same damn path again but this time it wasn't to conquer people. You told me yourself that I am very open, giving, and I have a big heart. I gave too much of myself, too much of my friendship to people who didn't appreciate it.
That very first time we were together and we didn't have sex, it WAS a test. I was testing you and myself. You were giving me all these lines about how you didn't want to have sex because you knew how I felt about it, and I totally, TOTALLY didn't believe you. "What if I said its okay?" I said that because I didn't believe you. I've been told before "I want to wait on the sex because I respect you..." and then as soon as I say that every single guy has JUMPED at the chance. I go along and when it's over I walk away and never look back. You were right. Had you taken the bait I would have had sex with you that first night. But then I would've dropped you as soon as I walked out your door.
I didn't ever want to see you again because of the fact that I just want to rip your clothes off every time I see you and in the end have it mean nothing more than two friends hanging out. However, I don't like that aspect of myself. I don't like that I can disregard myself and be with someone who doesn't value it anymore than just another "friend". I don't like it that I am capable of simply having casual sex with someone I actually kinda like. It's sort of like being a robot- shutting myself off from emotion. It is not fair to me to be with you, be attracted to you and all at once hope that you really are a better person than the guy who made me feel like shit before.
With that said, it is also not fair for me to completely cut someone out of my life because they were being honest. You told me upfront what you think and I respect that. I don't necessarily have to agree with it, but I respect it. It is also not fair for me to cut someone out of my life because they remind me of who I used to be/still am. I am definitely tougher than that. Part of becoming a better person I suppose, is being able to recognize adversity and deal with it, instead of run away. I ran away from you and for that I am sorry.
You read my other e-mail, responded with grace, and apologized. That is all that I had asked for and I still cut you down.
Besides, you pinky swore that we will never have sex again, and I thank you for that promise. It may seem silly to you, but it will be enough for me to know that whatever you say, however you hug me, kiss me on the cheek, whatever CHARM you throw my way, it is just who you are and nothing more. There is no ulterior motive behind your flirtatious actions and I don't have to worry about being sexually tempted.
So I regret walking away from the beginning of a friendship, especially when you were obviously trying so hard to make time for me.
What's your schedule like this week? Haha. I am an American. I am female. I am neurotic. I do have a ton of emotional baggage. I am strong. I am a fighter. I am who I am.
I do want to see you.
American Girl
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Damnit. I wish I could just let this one go already!!!! I can't seem to completely detach myself and only seem to extend the inevitble "breakup - forever - and - never - see - each other - again - ever - moment".
5 Comments:
Punkin, he's a jerk, and he's not going to change. Do you really want to be friends, or do you hope one day he'll realize what he's missing out by not being with you? You can't win this one, bail now.
oh man,my butt is still cringing. painful to watch. LET IT GO!!!
American Girl, I've been here too. Not a fun place. You are fooling yourself if you think you can be "friends" with him. Friends do not treat you like shit and disrespect you. You wouldn't accept this kind of treatment from anyone else! He has clearly shown you what he thinks of you, I don't even know you and I know you deserve better! Stop the madness!!!!
Is he Jewish? are you? I have a friend who lives in NYC and is always chasing jewish tail. they date her, have their fun, and then bam! Sorry you aren't Jewish this can't go anywhere...Just an FYI in case this might be where you are heading...
Thanks for the comments everyone! I have to absolutely laugh at myself for being SOOO wrapped up with this guy. And yes, he IS Jewish, and NO I am NOT. He once stated "I'm going to end up marrying a Jewish girl someday. Until then I just want to have whoever wherever." Um. Yeah. Please, I wish I could go back in time and just kick myself. Unfortunately after the last e-mail I sent he called to tell me he appreciated my honesty. We did hang out together one last time. He introduced me to some of his friends as one of his "favorite Americans". Since there was a strike he invited me to crash at his place- on his couch- until morning when I could safely walk home. Such a gentleman, right? A few glasses of wine and no extra blankets meant he convinced me to share his bed. Totally fine for the first half hour, until well... one little touch led to another and so forth. He did ask if I was all right with everything, which I honestly was because I was making a mental note to rock his world then leave him. He only lasted like 10 seconds after all the damn foreplay. He apologized and told me it was because he hadn't had sex in two weeks (yeah, not me) and if there was another condom he wanted to go again. I laughed it off and told him he was horrible in bed. No condoms and he fell asleep on the other side of the bed with a promise to make me breakfast in the morning. I turned off his alarm and walked out as soon as he started snoring. And that is honestly the end. THE END. He's called SEVERAL times with no voicemail and a few one-liner e-mails that say "where are you?" "are you ignoring me?" "did i do something wrong?". And yes, I guess I was trying to prove to him that he was missin' out on all of the greatness of me when I was attempting to be friends with him. Guess I haven't gotten over the whole, want to be validated hangup. Ugh. Ladies and Gents, I've gotten the stupidity out of my system, so please welcome the new level-headed-not-takin'-shit-from-anybody-just-to-prove-some-fleeting-ideal ME. Thanks.
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