Wednesday, June 21, 2006

CASE # 58: JOHNNY + BABY



SUBMITTED BY: BABY
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 4 Months
INFO: Johnny and I first met shortly after my divorce, when he was in town for a bachelor party. It started as a one night stand, and became a long distance hook-up/phone conversation. We've spent a couple weekends together, and they have been simply amazing, but as we got to know each other better, we started realizing the implications of the relationship- we basically have both realized and acknowledged that if we go any further, we're going to want to be together, fall in love, meant to be, etc. We're perfect for each other. So to spare ourselves the pain on the impossible (neither of us are willing to move from our respective towns, and we live 5 hours apart), we've ended things several times over the past few months, sometimes over the phone, often through email. Here's a chronological sequence of our break-ups.


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DATE: May 8, 2006
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


Listen -- I know you know things aren't right w/ me, and I need to tell you why. First off, I've got a lot going on w/ my job right now. We're revamping a lot of things, and in that, we're under the crunch. In addition, we do a legislative reception, but thanks to our lead co-sponsor, the date's been pushed UP (of all things) to late June, and now I'm under the gun to sell another six-to-eight $7500 sponsorships in the next three weeks. Last thing I needed when people aren't hot-to-trot to snatch them up. THEN, I've gotta organize and plan the damn thing.

Next, the big one: we had a major set-back with my Dad's and my company this past week. Long and short of it, my Dad is firing our main outsource company b/c their work has been crap in his opinion.

They've been doing development for us since end of January, so you can guess how far this sets us back -- especially when we're on a timeline to get it rolled out early next year. He and I've been frantically searching for a new company to work with, and it looks like we're gonna be investing quite a bit of time seeking one out. It's
stress-time at the C***** residence.

I don't know if we should do this on Memorial Day weekend -- will you absolutely hate me if I ask to postpone it?

I've put a lot of thought into this, Baby. Bottom line is that, selfishly, I just can't do this to myself right now. I wanna see you, but you have to understand where I'm at. I need harmless interaction with females if any -- with you, it's actually pretty intense, and that doesn't bode well with what's going on right now. I understand if you think I'm a big jerk or if you write me off completely -- and I can't expect to "put you on hold" until timing is better. On the same note, I'd like to think I could see you sometime after this reception ordeal is over, and be able to re-assess things then. (That's if you don't wanna spit nails at me.)

You might think this is over-dramatic, considering our last conversation when we talked about "seeing each other will simply be a nice vacation." The problem is I can't even do that right now, but might be able to if I let several weeks go by. In my fucked-up head, I'm having a hard time dealing with a girl I like who lives four hours away. I want to be able to say, "Hey, let's do this" -- and we map out one (or two) weekends a month so we can see each other.

I wanted to get this to you as soon as I could because I know you have plans waiting in the wings. Please don't hate me, and it's NOT because I don't want to see you -- I just need to take time, bunker down and brace myself for a few stressful weeks, and then figure out a new game plan. I hope you understand.

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DATE: May 8, 2006
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


I'm glad to see you're keeping with the honesty policy. I had a feeling you were going to say something like this, and I do understand. Both of us are in a difficult place in our lives- trying to do too much, in the midst of so much change. It is what it is, as I've said, and right now it can't be more- we both know that. Memorial day weekend- that's fine, I think we're going to Ohio State for a huge party, we discussed it this weekend, and I told them I was on the fence. I don't intend to be an additional source of stress- and if that's what I am at this point, do what you need to do. If it means not being in contact for awhile, that's fine. Whatever it is, I understand- I need to be honest and say that I'm not going to "wait around", but I have never met someone like you before, and do enjoy having you in my life.

You never know what will happen in life, or where it will take you. That being said, take your time, figure it all out. I'm here if you need an ear, but if not, take care of yourself, and remember that if you look to the future too much, you miss the present.

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DATE: May 8, 2006
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


It's not that clear-cut.

Like you said on the phone, "If you're trying to let me down easy,you're not doing a very good job because we've been talking for 45 minutes."

I've just never been in a situation like this, but I'm not trying to fuck with you.

Can I call you later?

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DATE: May 8, 2006
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


I know! Seriously, I do know what situation you are in, and I am being honest, open, et cetera. I am not a typical girl, you should know this by now, and there is no hidden meaning behind any of it. What I say is what I mean. If you can call me during my lovely commute, that's cool. I have a bunch to do as soon as I get home though, since I was completely incapacitated yesterday. I need to start wearing skirts and remind myself I'm a girl- I'm getting too old for this shit. Talk to you later.

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INFO:So we talked that night, and decided to leave it as it was- and we were planning on seeing each other Memorial Day weekend.

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DATE: May 17, 2006
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


I realize this seems like it came out of nowhere, since not a week or two ago we decided that it is what it is, keep it light, etc. This past weekend I had some alone time with Erin, my voice of reason when I won't be, and she asked me what the hell I was doing, what I got out of the situation, and where it was going to go- what was going to happen down the road. I tried my best to explain what was happening, but I really couldn't. As I said earlier, I've started to care- and Erin knows that, which is why she brought it up. I'm trying to figure out what went wrong, and what the next
step is, and I've got this person two states away that I care about.

What happens when the chaos that is you life right now clears up in July? I don't usually look to the future, I do love to live in the present, but I have to protect myelf. If we were in the same town, it would be so different, but I can't handle this situation. I'm not trying to get 'boyfriended up', but how am I supposed to explain it if I meet someone here? I don't lie, I'm always honest. It's so contradictory, but I do want you in my life still.

And I still want to see you. I don't want to be saying any of this, but I resolved to make the smart decisions this time around, and its the smart thing to do.

I know you love Raleigh, and it's not a redneck southern town, but it's not for me. About 40% of my extended family is up here, and most of my close family here. My nephews, goddaughters, family friends, my life is up here.

And although I am 'moveable', it won't be for awhile. I really wish I could see a way for this to happen, believe me, but I don't. We are so compatible, but what can I do? Have my heart broken in a few months?

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DATE: May 17, 2006
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


I understand. Maybe things will change, but for now, it has to be. In the same way as I'm protecting myself right now, you need to do the same. If you meet someone, that's totally cool -- and honestly, if I like you as much as I say I do, then I'm hoping you'll meet someone cool as shit. I'm not saying Raleigh is my final destination, or that I'll even be here for a long time, but I don't see anything changing for a while. I'm pretty entrenched around here -- I have to say, I like walking into a bar and feeling "part of the neighborhood"; I like being in a business meeting, someone's name comes up, and saying, "Oh I've known Sue for years, how's she doing -- how old is her baby now?" It works out on both fronts, again
selfishly, for me.

But I'm glad I have my roommate as a reference point. He's been "dating" Adrienne since October -- and he's stressing balls over what to do, and it gets worse every month. Same boat we'd be in -- and for the record, I'd put $ on the fact that she isn't leaving Pittsburgh.

I hope we meet up again, and I hope I see you sometime soon. As they say down South, "this ain't easy," but we're both smart people -- we know it's just distance that hinders any progress -- and I'm glad we're mature enough to have some foresight. At the very least, not forcing this keeps us from ruining whatever-this-is -- something maybe we can re-visit when things change.

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INFO:We talked that night, and this is the continuation of the conversation.

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DATE: May 18, 2006 11:04 AM
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


Why don't you just be straight up with me -- did you meet someone? It's cool and not that it matters, but it seems that would make the difference here.

And part of the reason I couldn't do until July is b/c you said your other weekends were booked but one. That put me in a crunch.

It just seems things have turned about-face.


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DATE: May 18, 2006 11:09 AM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


No- you said July, because that's when your event will be done with. My May was full, and June- as long as you don't mind going to a softball game, I have the fist two weekends open, and the last one. I can't do father's day weekend- it's a huge fly-in. Things haven't turned about face, I'm just trying to look out for myself.

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DATE: May 18, 2006 11:14 AM
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


I asked you if you met someone -- yes that's true about my event, but it was b/c you were just like, "it's gotta be this day or this day, otherwise it won't work" -- and I thought, well hell, let's just wait til July when things die down since we're BOTH very busy.

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DATE: May 18, 2006 11:18 AM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


I've been out a few times, nothing serious. I don't want this conversation to get too intense right now- the problem is there aren't many people like you. Can I leave it at that for now? If you have time in June that you can come up here, please do. If not, we'll see about July.

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DATE:May 18, 2006 12:00 PM
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


I mean, I can't hold you back and I won't. I just figured that's where this sense of urgency sprung from -- so if you like him, and he lives there, all I can do is say go for it.

My hands are tied -- I can't move anywhere, and we've been through this -- we know where this road goes. But there aren't many people likeyou either, Baby.

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DATE: May 18, 2006
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


It's not like that at all, the sense of urgency comes from having amoment of calm- almost a forced epiphany if you will. And from getting really frustrated with the whole situation- me wanting you to be up here. You should know nobody can hold me back- I'm not that kind of person- but I hate this, how it has to be. I'm not going to keep talking around this topic anymore, it doesn't go anywhere. Bottom line- are you free at all in June?

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DATE: May 18, 2006
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


What can I say that would "fix" this? For goodness sake, if I were an engineer (where job location doesn't matter whatsoever) or even looking for a government contract, I'd say things would be a possibility in the future. My goal USED to be to get to D.C., but my direction has evolved and is centered around regional politics --

I'm entrenched in the Raleigh metro area. For example, yesterday my boss and I met with the heads of regional distribution for Pepsi and Coke in the same room -- there were four of us; last week, I met with the head of Time Warner Cable of NC; I had lunch with the former mayor two weeks ago; today, I had lunch with the head of the State Employees Assocation and his communications director -- just the three of us; I'm name-dropping for a reason: this is where I work and play. Unless there was some financial benefit to leaving, you especially know that networking is priceless -- so wouldn't it be dumb of me to consider leaving anytime in the near (or not-so-near) future?

At the same time, I want you. So there's the problem.

If June is the "end-all-be-all" then I guess we can look at it -- but I still want to see you and that hasn't changed.

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INFO: Yet again, we talked it out, and decided it was going to be OK .


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DATE: May 22, 2006 10:51 AM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


FYI- Apparently I talked to you a few times Saturday, I don't remember any of it! Man was that a crazy day! So we find out Tuesday about our house- fingers crossed. June?

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DATE: May 22, 2006 12:21 PM
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


You did talk to me several times Saturday -- you were blitzed, and then you were driving home talking to me too!

Listen, we gotta go back to what we were saying earlier -- about things being crazy. And I'm thinking June isn't meant to be -- I've just had two weekends fill up with obligations, one being a flag football tourney and the other to help my best friend Rob move shit and clean up his family's cabin in the mountains. You're moving into a new place, you've said your month of June is crazy too, so let's figure it out later. On top of all that Baby, I've been thinking -- we are really ignoring the elephant in the room -- and July would give a better timeframe for just how big that elephant is.

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DATE: May 22, 2006 12:28 PM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


Do me a favor- make up your mind, then let me know. My life is full of obligations, but I'm capable of making time for those that matter to me- if I needed to, I was going to do that for you. I can't keep going back and forth with this, with you. You've told me a million reasons why things just can't work out, and I've agreed- let's just choose one, put some shit in the mail, and say it's been fun.

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DATE: May 22, 2006 12:36 PM
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different... but damn.

Maybe it's because there ARE a million reasons, but one in particular that takes the cake. I can understand you being irritated with me -- that's warranted. But I don't want you mad at me -- especially considering the fact that the only thing frustrating either of us is the fact that you live there and I live here. And further, that that isn't changing. If you want stuff in the mail, I understand. But I don't want you mad at me.

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DATE: May 22, 2006 1:16 PM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


I am irritated- no matter what, I find a way to make things happen in my life, in all areas. The way I think and live, nothing is impossible, they're just harder to accomplish. Some obstacles simply take longer to overcome, but you make it happen. I already have and was willing to continue finding ways to make these rendezvous happen- no, it's not like I need to go to Raleigh all the time, but I was going to go anyway. I'm not doing anything one-sided- I'm way too giving, and I need something in return.

The distance isn't the only frustrating thing- it's you being flaky with me. I am aware of your situation, of you not being in 'relationship mode', of all of the constraints- what I want is you to make a concrete decision, make a plan and stick with it. I mean, damn. Can you tell me why you want to continue this? What is the reason? Answer me that- and do it honestly.

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DATE: May 22, 2006
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


Baby -- this would be different if I already knew you through and through -- I'd say I was ready to "commit to a regular rendezvous", ready to "make this happen", but I'm not. And that's the thing. What you take as flaky, was me simply sizing up the situation the further I got into it. Logic already told me that this was improbable, but I swam upstream regardless -- just not at the pace you'd like me to.

I'm sorry if this made you mad or if you think I'm a wishy-washy jerk. I simply didn't -- as I thought we'd already established -- and don't, want this to end up "bad". In my mind, it still isn't. But since a swift decision is needed, this is how it will stand. I understand that your friends think I'm dicking around with you -- but I gave you fair warning: "July". That's where it stood til we recently had a conversation, and I hauled off with "maybe I can find something in June" -- and that was taken to heart, and that's my bad.

I can't blame you for being anxious to see me. I'm anxious to see you too, even though it's not apparent to you. You are my "type". But I just know that this isn't something we're ready to jump into head-first. And that's what would happen -- you and I both know that.

Go back and read some of the emails you and I've had, and I think you'll realize that I'm not being flaky. This simply was never an easy decision to come to.

Once again, if you lived in Raleigh, or better put -- we lived in the same town -- you'd see that I'm not flaky. It IS the distance, Baby. Let's let the dust settle on this. I think we'll both be better off.

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DATE: May 22, 2006 2:00 PM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


Yet again you seem to think I'm demanding a commitment, or anything of that nature- I'm not. I'm not expecting a pace. I'm not expecting anything. I assume when you say something, you mean it- that's how I am. You were the one who said June- not I. I would love to see you, I've made that clear, but if it won't happen, so be it. And I didn't say a swift decision needed to be made- just that my calendar does fill quickly.

I really don't know what else to say or do with this situation- I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I live my life without regret- but for once I really have no clue what to do. And outside input isn't directing me in one direction or the other, contrary to your belief. Maybe letting the dust settle is a wise idea.

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DATE:May 22,2006
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


Do you hear us?

We're both so frustrated with this, we're eager to have someone to point the finger at -- simultaneously, we're both mature enough to realize that it's just the nature of... well, "you're there and I'm here" syndrome.

I know you aren't "demanding" anything, but that's how my email came off -- was that's how I interpreted it. I know better. I know we're just trying to figure out what's right and still not get hurt.

I did mean it when I said it. But when I got two back-to-back weekend obligation "requests", I started thinking, "Hey maybe it's best that I don't push things right now."

Let's let the dust settle, and if you want anything back in the meantime, lemme know.


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INFO:Since then we've talked here and there. We're currently "waiting until July" when our schedules clear up- but this isn't teenage acne, it's life. So while I realize were doomed, I keep playing the game, because he is simply amazing. I know I'm stupid, and I am dating, but like I said, I've never met someone like him before.

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E-CLOSURE NOTE: Baby emailed us and said "Is it too late to add some? We finally finished the saga"
We said "Not too late at all. Ship it Over."
Then she did.


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DATE: Jun 13, 2006 10:11 AM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


Johnny,
Here's my new address, whenever you get a chance, could you put my things in the mail? Yours are on the way.

(ADDRESS OMMITED)

Baby

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DATE: Jun 13, 2006 10:54 AM
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY
SUBJECT:


Baby,

I will put your two t-shirts in the mail. If you want the movies, I understand. Just lemme know.

I read your "dysfunctional relationships" bulletin. And maybe I wasn't an intentional recipient, but I tend to think I was included.

Baby, I haven't meant to be mean. I haven't meant to "take advantage" of anything. But I can see how you think I mislead you.

I did want to see how things went and I was excited, but it took me a little while (and you watched me suffer through it on the phone) to figure out that I couldn't "start something" from 4.5 hrs away. This isn't to say I wasn't "feelin' it" because I was; but I had to force myself to pull away. And that meant not calling you and not encouraging dialogue.

In the meantime, you and I both knew we were going in circles on the phone. Even though we'd send-and-reply flirty emails, I finally had to stop.

I just don't want this to be one of those "damn he's an asshole" because that's not how I envisioned it, and that's not how I want it to be. I just saw the forest through the trees on this one -- and D.C. isn't in my future... Raleigh is. We both know the implications of that.

I'm sorry if you think I suck. Maybe I do. We did hit it off and that's hard to pull away from. If you'd lived in my town or vice versa, things would've been different. The D.C./MD guy who passes the Baby test will be a fucking lucky guy -- and he'd better treat you well. I would've if I'd been him.

Johnny

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DATE: Jun 13, 2006 11:07 AM
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY
SUBJECT:


Johnny-
The movies were a gift- I just hope you actually watch/ed them. I don't hate you, or think you're mean- I do think you were a bit childish in not calling/writing and saying something. It's been two weeks without a word- kind of shitty. Yes, the bulletin did include you, along with a few other people in my life that cause me undue stress and concern.

I am happy that I met you, you have given me faith that there is someone who is right for me in the ways my past relationships were lacking. And you've given me a standard against which to measure people- in more ways than one. If things change in our lives, we know how to reach each other. You're an amazing person, and I feel lucky to have known you.

Baby

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DATE: Jun 13, 2006 11:27 AM
FROM: JOHNNY
TO: BABY


Baby,

I thought I did say something -- around May 31 -- and your response was:

J,
Wow- we're at the point now we can't even set up a phone conversation! Give Drago a nice rub down from me, and and give yourself one as well ;) Good luck with everything.

B


Why'd you delete me as your friend? I know I hurt your feelings -- it's NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T LIKE YOU. And now we can't even be friends?

You, too, are an amazing person -- that's why MY feelings are kind of hurt because after we had "talked" around May 31, I was trying to let you and myself down easy by not contacting you. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Johnny

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DATE: June 13, 2006
FROM: BABY
TO: JOHNNY


J-

I thought it was clear- I can't be friends with you. If I stay in contact with you, I'll think about you, and want something more than I can have. I've tried dating here, and because of you it's impossible. How can I move on when I compare people to you? When I'm out with someone and think- I had so much more fun with Johnny. My response to you was because I felt like you were blowing me off, and I was trying to salvage my pride. I told you, I'm starting to care, and that is so detrimental to me. I'm hurting myself here, by allowing this to continue as long as it has.

I don't know if I haven't been honest enough about all of this, but I know that unless this all of a sudden has the capability to go somewhere, I can't do this. I can't just do the friend thing. I want to be with you, but it can't happen, and that's life. I need to move on, instead of being hung up on the what-ifs between you and I. With every passing day, I love this city more and more. I have everything here. I'm not going anywhere.

So unless you can argue any of my points, I'm afraid this is how it's going to have to be. Johnny, I am typically an emotionless robot with people. I've cried about this situation. I can't do this.

B

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A wise person once gave me a book-
"He's just not that into you"

IF he were, he would move mountains to be with you. There would be no excuses NOT to be with you, simply every reasons and opportunity to be with you.
What you saw that was wonderful in this relationship has given you a glimpse of some of the wonderful things that you can hope to find with the right person.

Best of luck to you!

8:56 PM, June 22, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you- that's how I feel. Like most men I've met, his words didn't match his actions.

12:38 PM, June 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I disagree with the post about him being not that into you. It's easy to say that if he were, he'd drop the life he made for himself and move to be with you.

Relationships are about compromise, and neither of you were willing to budge, at least as far as moving is concerned. It's a power struggle, pure and simple.

Your time spent together may have been amazing, but I think you both knew that the distance between you was too much to overcome. However, neither of you were willing to quickly rip the band aid off to end things, hence the tumultuous e-mails.

Sometimes shades of grey prevent us from seeing situations that should be viewed in black or white.

1:24 PM, June 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's not skip over the myspace subplot, shall we? Yes yes, billions of people use it, but... Are they usually your more mature friends? Also, I think our boy Johnny was more concerned about not getting the Mean Guy brand than he was in much of anything else.

3:51 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger partygirljessica said...

That was hard one. I've gone through the same when I found an ex in webdate. Apparently we were both active members of the site were looking for someone. So he sent me an email and that started our exchange. That also gave us the closure that we needed.

11:39 AM, July 20, 2006  
Blogger e-closure.com said...

partygirl...
I got a crazy idea. you should send us those emails.
love,
e-closure.

1:39 PM, July 20, 2006  

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