CASE # 53: PAUL + EMMA
(borrowed sans permission from davidcutter.com)SUBMITTED BY:EMMA
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 5 OR 21 YEARS.
INFO:The following letter was sent to my boyfriend, Paul, who I met 21 years ago when he was separated from his wife. I was 29 years old at the time. We dated for 2 1/2 years, but he had 2 small children, one of whom took very ill, and he moved back home. Not long after that, Paul had to have major surgery but I was certain he would never leave his wife, so I broke up with him. He tried contacting me numerous times over the next 13 years but I was very unresponsive and unwilling to see him again.
Five years ago, we met up again and fell madly in love. This time the relationship had so much more depth, devotion and passion but he was still in the marriage even though his children were now grown up and no longer living at home (he had continued a number of affairs while we were apart). Two years ago, his wife found out about us and since then he has been trying to leave her (he actually left a few months ago but panicked and went back two days later). He says he really wants to be with me but he is afraid his children will cut him off (he now has a grandchild as well) and that his wife will clean him out financially.
I do believe he loves me but his fears have made him incapable of leaving the marriage. I am 50 years old and I don't want to be the "other woman" any longer. I also think if there is any hope for us at all, it will only happen if I stay away. He needs to be in that marriage without me in his life. He always said that seeing me allowed him to tolerate the marriage.
So, we broke up and I sent him this letter.
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FROM: EMMA
TO: PAUL
Dear Paul,
I'm glad we talked on Friday and that you explained more of how you have been feeling. It helped me to understand what your concerns are and why you didn't feel you could move forward with me. This has been such a long struggle for you and I do believe you are right to not make a move if aren't sure.
I don't want to have to convince you that you are doing the right thing by following what is in your heart. If you can't come to that decision and choice on your own then I need to respect that. And I don't want to have to feel that I need to convince you. At the same time, I don't want be put in a position where I am waiting for something that isn't going to happen. That isn't fair to me. That is why I asked you to respect my need to try to let go, grieve, heal and move forward with my life. Right now, I feel that when we talk, there is a constant reminder of what could have been and I find that so very hurtful.
I don't want either one of us to feel this kind of pain. I now understand why it's called breaking up- because it does feel like something is broken-not whole and complete like you have made me feel.
Paul, I will never forget what we have shared. Please know how very much you have meant to me and how deeply I love you. I will miss you more than you know and you will always be with me.
I am so sorry that we both feel so tortured. I pray for us to find our peace. We will speak again.
With all the love in my heart,
Emma
3 Comments:
Good for you Emma! I know that must have been so painful for you to let go, but you will be so much more healthy emotionally, having done so.
You deserve to be loved by someone who can completely give you their heart and soul and build a life with you.
Take the necessary time to heal, the go out and find yourself someone worthy of your love.
I can't work up even the teeniest bit of sad for someone who fucks a married man and makes herself a knowing doormat for years and yeeaaaars -- let alone puts a kid through the same thing -- no matter HOW good his lies were.
I'm going through the exact same thing. I've been with my married man for 10 years. He loves me and we are both deeply depressed without each other, but he's too afraid to leave his 41 year marriage. We both know that I facilitated his marriage. Due to prostrate cancer and the resulting surgery our imtimacy has diminished and he beleives because I'm so much younger than he, I should move on with my life and have a "complete" relationship to include sex and full time companionship with someone who can provide that. It's been hell for both of us to try and let go. We're both on anti-depressents and he was actually suicidal. He now drinks like a fish to numb the pain and is seeing a therapist two times a week. This is the most gut wrencing experience I've ever encountered. I, too, see a therapist, which helps alot. He's 67 and I'm 48, so I still have a lot of life ahead of me. I have good moments when I look forward to an exciting new life, but I have many bad moments when I mourn the loss of my old life. I guess as time passes our pain will also pass. But we do have the emotional advantage over these men ... we're not stuck in a bad marriage feeling hopelessly and helplessly in an emotional prison like they are.
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