CASE #91: ZACK + KELLY

SUBMITTED BY: KELLY
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 5 years

INFO: This is lengthy but I feel I needed it all to give the background.

Zack and I started dating in high school. He was the absolute sweetest guy I had ever met. We are from a small town, and our families immediately loved each other. We had many mutual friends and right from the beginning we always talked about how we had such a good thing. We went off to college and did the whole long distance thing. We saw each other whenever we could and wrote letters,emails, etc. when we were apart.

About two years into the relationship, Zack's parents got a divorce. Shortly after this, he decides he doesnt feel the same way about me and our relationship was just over. I took this very badly, calling him, crying, asking why etc. About one week after he breaks up with me, he is all of a sudden dating this girl from his school. I try to get over it but he constantly called me and saw me on his trips home (even while 'dating' this girl). This lasted about 3 months at which time he decides he made a huge mistake and all he ever wanted was me. He blames the breakup on his family problems/stress and cuts off all contact with the other girl. He comes home for the summer and we get back together and are seemingly better than ever.

We continued to date for 3 more years, during which time I was every bit the 'supportive girlfriend'. We went out with his friends (rarely mine), I did many papers and projects for him ( we were both in college at the time), we went to all of our family functions together, and we even took a trip to Las Vegas. His family following the divorce was in turmoil and as a result he spent every waking minute, including holidays, with my family. He was like another family member and everyone treated him as such. He received birthday and Christmas presents from my parents, and extended family, he ate dinner with us every night and he came on summer vacations with us. During this entire time we talked about how happy we would be to be done with school and able to move on with the next part of our lives. As our time at college ended, we began to look at rings and potential places to live. He was always the one to bring up marriage (never me!) and he seemed like everything was fine. Admittedly, there were a few bumps in the road like in any relationship. I found a few suspicious messages/calls from the ex from school, he explained it away. He would sometimes have miserable mood swings, I called them stress. He was gambling on sports games, I saw it as a passing habit--hey he didnt do it all that often so it was ok right?

Well we graduate college, and I write his resume. He lands a job and immediately starts talking about a girl "Jessie" who is a few years older than us, and was previously engaged. She is close friends with as well as lives with their boss. About 3 months into his job, two weeks after our 5 year anniversary (for which we shared a romantic night where he detailed our wedding) and one week after his family came to my house for Thanksgiving dinner he decides he "cant do this anymore". He tells me that our relationship rans its course ands its finished. I tell him I will do anything to fix what he sees as wrong. We could talk to a counselor or work on things but how could he just out of the blue end this? After we waited so long to be together, we were only just starting on everything we had planned for and worked so hard towards. He basically gives me no answers and sends me away. About 3 days later he calls me and tells me that this was just a 'fit' he was having. Hes sorry and everything will go back to normal (not the first time he pulled this over the 5 years so I think its just one of his fits that lasts a week and we are fine). Well after spending a few days together I text him one night thinking things are normal and he answers back "Get the hint and leave me the fuck alone!". That was officially the way our 5 year relationship ended. No explanation, and of course no confrontation because he was way too big of a coward to stand that.

Now at one point during our original breakup conversation, I ask Zack if the reason for our breakup is Jessie. He says no way. Not two days after his text, I find out hes dating Jessie. Well this time I decided thats it. No matter how hard it is, he will never ever hear from me. I will be stronger and better. Fool me once, shame on you and all that..... Well he uproots his life for random Jessie. He moves his apartment to be closer to her and ignores all his friends to be with her. Until about two months later, when he calls me...of course just to see how I am. He thinks my life should be on hold for him and of course makes fun of every guy he thinks I may have dated. My friends all think Im better off and in fact thought I should have gotten ridden of him awhile ago, but I really did love him.

Over the following months, and up until the present he continues to attempt to contact me in various ways. Ims, texts, through other people. He has of course told me he misses me, and that the only reason he cant break up with Jessie is because he works with her and of course he cant have people at work think hes the bad guy. He tells me (get this) that she is a bad lay and he is working on getting rid of her! I even had a run-in with him and her at a local bar, and I avoided them like the plague. After I left, he texts me to tell me I look great, he misses me and wants to meet up! He was STILL THERE WITH HER!! What did she do go to the bathroom? The more he pursues the more I think he is a scum, and apparently alot probably went on when we were together that I didnt know about. I am not even going to bother alerting Jessie to the situation, because I feel she had her own hand in my breakup, and Im guessing shell find out the hard way like I did. In addition, I know from experience he will just give her some story about how Im crazy and I will look like the weird ex who cant let it go.

Even knowing all the bad stuff, Im still hurting, and working through this breakup. I still see his friends who think we should be together, and I still hear from his mom who thinks we should be together. His friends tell me how awful Jessie is, but this just hurts worse. Why pick the awful girl over me? Lifes mysteries, I guess. But the only way Im semi dealing with this is not giving in to him, and not answering his calls or attempts at conversation because I know I will only come out feeling hurt. So this is a letter I would wish he would read. If I did really give it to him, he would maybe read it, maybe throw it away, but he most definately would have no answers to explain his behavior. His motto is "I dont know" and Im still working on making my motto "I dont care".

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FROM: Kelly
TO: Zack

Zack,

Its been about 6 months since we have broken up. Thats a long time to be apart from someone you talked to every day for 5 years. In many ways I would not take this break up back, because through it I'm finding a part of my self I never knew I had. You wanted me to believe that I needed you and that I was nothing without you, but the truth is Im so much stronger than I ever knew. I have a great support system, and you can never take away this sense of self I have gained.

But you have taken away my joy, happiness, and ability to believe in love. All of your lies have astounded me. Your capability to treat people the way you have treated me, continues to astonish me. You take all the vulnerabilities that you knew of me and our five years together, and you use them to try and get me to see you. You came right out and asked me to sleep with you at your new apartment and had the nerve to tell me you didnt think Jessie would mind. You lie, and deceive every day, and you never feel guilt or remorse. After everything your father put your family through, you would think that you would never do that to another human being. You want to break up with me fine, but then leave me alone. Don't tell me you miss me and still love me, not when you know Im still figuring this out. Don't insult me and make me feel bad for moving on (or trying to) when you are the one who threw me away like garbage! How do you sleep at night or look at yourself in the morning? After all my family and I have done for you, how can you just treat me like I am nothing. Did no part of what we went through together, or of the past 5 years matter enough for you to treat me like a human being and at least respect me enough to stop torturing me?

I hate that I have to feel this way every day. I hate that I cant just be happy, and any time I try to date someone new, I think whats the point? They will lie to you and leave you at the drop of a hat no matter what they say. Promises are broken and plans forgotten. You knew that the thing I always loved most was the idea of love, and you use that against me every time you try to re-enter my life. I hate that I still wonder every day how you are, and what you are doing and if you ever think of me. In all reality, every person who knows the two of us (including your friends) tell me I'm better off without you. That you are shady, and unhappy and care about no one but yourself and yet here I am. Still waiting for you to realize that we are supposed to be together. Maybe in a way you did, because you still contact me but I can never take you back now. It will never be what it was and even if we could have started over you killed any chance of that with the aftermath of this breakup that you keep putting me through.

I wish I knew what you are thinking or if you are ever sorry or miss me. What were those 5 years for I wonder? Well I guess I just have to hope that you were a lesson God wanted me to learn the hard way and that there is someone out there who will love and take care of me, the way I did for you.

Goodbye,
Kelly