Wednesday, May 31, 2006


INFO: I have been going through this break up for almost a year now. That's when it all started to go downhill. I'm trying not to have any contact with him. He likes to call and bother me, or just check up on me to see if I'm still okay (i think)... I would like to believe that anyways. It's so hard for us to have a normal conversation anymore... He acts so childish and when I complain about his constant immaturity he says that I can't take a joke. But the thing is that his "so called "jokes" aren't jokes to me. He likes to call me out my name, like he would say, "what's up bitch" or "how you doing ho." Thats not funny to me at all. I've never really been called a bitch, and I'm far from a ho. He knows all this, but he wants to see if he can still get under my skin and make me mad. Which he does, and he does it on purpose. Anyways, to make a long story short....

I met him in a weird way, over the internet. We talked on the phone for 8 months without ever seeing each other, he only lived 5 min away from me. 8 months after we met online, we finally met face to face the night before I left for college. We hit it off, he came and stayed weekends at my college with me, we went on date, etc etc, he mentioned marriage a couple of times...

he said he loved me

a few months later, we made love for the first time (he was my first and only) It was great (I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me, because he waited 1 year before even having sex with me)

a few months later our relationship started going down hill... he started acting different... like he had something or someone to hide. I told him to leave and lets call it quits, but he insisted that he stay and he is sorry, he loves me, and that there is no one else. I listened stupidly and forgave him.

We never really broke up, because we were never really "together" it wasn't a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, he never asked me. I told him I can't keep sleeping with him, especially if we weren't together. and I told him that I was dissapointing me and God.

But yet we still kept doing it. I would feel guilty and disgusted after having sex, though it was great for the both of us... it wasn't pleasing to God, because I wasn't married. and that was all that mattered. So I figured if I was feeling this way after having sex, then I should really quit. So I did.

Anyways, when I came home for the summer from school. We had stopped talking as much as we used to, he would stand me up, and not apologize for them, I would give him money to help him out.

We would argue more and more. Over 3 months I only saw him about 5 times. I was hurt, sad and wanted to die.

I went 6 months without seeing him, but we talked occasionally, when he decided to call. I still loved him. I stopped saying it. He would say it, but not me.

We grew apart. I don't know why. I think its because he got back together with his ex. They were together for 7 yrs before me,almost had a child together, and lived with each other.

Now, I'm here today. Writing you. A little heart broken. I loved this man with all my heart, I gave him my everything. Now it's like we don't even know each other. I still love him. He just doesn't treat me like he loves me. I wouldn't get back with him, we want two differnt things in our lives right now. He is 7 years older than me, I know thats a lot, but it never felt like it. I'm more mature than most 20 year olds. Sometimes, I think he did love me, but when I really look back, actions speak louder than words, it shows that he didn't. I have a lot of unanswered questions. Really important ones. I could get them answered if I really wanted to know, but a part of me is saying, you really don't want to know the truth, because it would hurt too much.

I have made progress, I dont cry as much anymore. I used to cry every day, now it's rare. But I do have this feeling of pain that sort of shocks my heart, everytime I think of our situation.

I guess the questions that I really want to know is if I was really in love? Did I really love him? Did he really love me? I don't know.

I asked him 2 weeks ago, if he really did love me... and he said yes, he really did, he just got caught up in some really bad things, and he didn't want to make me apart of it. I don't know. There is so much you don't know and for the sake of time, I can't tell you. But I just got so many mixed signals. He says our relationship was getting too serious.

I don't know. It seems like he just made it all up. I don't know what to do. He does have a good heart, and I really don't think he meant to hurt me as much as he did, but all that matters is that he hurt me.


SUBJECT: closure

Although you will never see the letter, I have to bring some closure to my heart. I have to get some stuff off my chest. It will not heal all the pain, but it will bring me some minor satisfaction.

Why? Why all the lies? I was a pure, precious, delicate young woman. And you saw that, and stole it from me under false pretenses. You lied. Because you knew that there wasn't any other way to obtain my o so precious God given gift. You were afraid if I knew the real you, the crook, the liar, the cheater, the evil, I would run from you. Isn't that right? Well, the truth is yes. Yes, I would've left you before we could even get to know one another. Why? Because I was running from guys like you. But you hid from me. You dressed up behind a mask and a cape and protected your real identity from me. However, I caught onto your game after a while. You started to let your masqurade slip. I started to see the real you come out after a while. But I dare not utter a word about it to you. Because, I feel in love with the man you pretended to be, hoping that he would get the best of you and you would change.

You told me that you cared for me and you didn't. You told me that you would wait for me but you left. And you told me that you loved for, but it was a lie. Yes, for a minute I believed that you really did mean good, I was under your spell. You took advantage of me because, I was so young, so pure, so precious, so good, and so rare. I was a lucky find. If it not had been me you tricked, then whom else?

Maybe, I should consider myself a hero, rescueing the innocent girl that would be next, my replacement. I saved her from years of misery, lies, self-ridicule, mental, emotional, and spritual abuse, I saved her from heartbreak. Kudos to me. But what do I get in return? Nothing, but the feeling of emptiness accompanied with the feeling of loneliness. I used to say, "stupid me, you knew what you were getting yourself into. Why didn't you stop it. You knew from the start." But you see, dear, that's what con men do. They lie and cheat until they start making you doubt yourself. And just when your at your weakest moment, they take everything you got.

You didn't take anything that was tangible or material, you took the intangablie, the most precious gift that god has given me, my virginity. Among that, you took my pride, my heart, my feelings and my love. And you threw it all away, for something that hurt you a long time ago.

But, I have to give myself some credit. I did reach your heart. I knocked down a couple of brick walls to get there. And you said that no one would ever be so lucky. But I was. But was it luck? No, I think not, it was a curse I unleashed. I cursed myself when I did for the split moment let you actually love me. I regret it. I regret it all. I regret meeting you when and where I did. I regret the love I felt for you. The time I spent with you, I regret the money I wasted on you. I regret the fact that I wasted one iota of thought on you.

But you know what I don't regret, praying for you. Although we all need prayer, you, need it more than I. I struggled with the thought of calling you my friend or my foe. Now as I recall all the deciet, I shall call you "foe." You were never my friend, a friend does not steal anothers spirit.

But I will not end on a sour not. You always told me to "man up." So, I'm taking your advice. I will not let you steal my joy or happiness any longer. From this day forward you will not consume another moment of my thoughts, except for when I pray for your well-being and your recovery. I won't even think to call you and when you call just to bother me, I'm not going to pick up. Because you're a "kiljoy."

Also, I believe I heard someone call you a manchild, and that exactly what you are. You're a child, trapped in a mans body, which isn't a good thing. Please when you grow up and come out from behind your mask, look me up. Maybe we can be friends. Or not. But until then keep God first. Your going to need him. This is all a shame... bc I really did love u.

your x boobear


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get over it.


10:37 AM, May 31, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just think of all you have learned from this experience, and how much smarter you are going to be the next time. Don't let it make you bitter, learn from it and move on to a place where you can create a healthy relationship with someone who is worthy of your love.

7:22 AM, June 01, 2006  
Blogger said...

Now that's the kind of advice we need around here. Constructive and helpful. Thanks anonymous # 2.

It's kinda cool to know that God reads our site, but you'd think he/she would have something more wise to say. Not that I'm judging O' Holy One. You're still funny.

9:01 AM, June 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God's right. Man up.

--God's homeboy

10:15 AM, June 01, 2006  
Anonymous Audrey said...

I was in the exact situation. Exact. I actually just ended it not too long ago. And you know what happened? I found the most wonderful man, and now I'm dating someone who cares, who tells me I'm beautiful and can't wait to see me. I'm now receiving what I've deserved all along but I never realized it until now.

You will find love. I'm 22, so I'm with you. I know it hurts, it hurts more than anyone can conprehend. You will have a happy ending, I know you will. Take the lessons you've learned and use them to make your next relationship great. Every horrible relationship forces you to become stronger and independent, helps you realize what you need and what you absolutely cannot live with.

Good luck, girl. You can do it.

12:28 AM, June 02, 2006  
Anonymous Dick Cheney's Shotgun of Advice said...

Don't let this loser leave a bad taste in your mouth regarding MenChildren. Many MenChildren actually possess the best qualities of Men (if such things exist) and Children (meaning we like Ice Cream). It just sounds like he was selfish and short-sighted. You will find better, and this I know because I am Dick Cheney's Shotgun of Advice... guided by the hands of God!!!

6:22 PM, June 02, 2006  
Blogger Kimberly said...

Boobear, stay strong, trust in God and you will find the man that will heal the broken heart that Manchild caused. I love you so much!!! :)


10:12 PM, June 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you need to grow up...

I'm not judging if he tricked you into it or not... I feel your views and this one sided story are, well, just that: one sided.

He took your virginity? Really? Then why didn't you file rape charges? Oh that's right, because you made a concious decision to GIVE it to him... to SHARE that with him.

Why don't you quit hiding behind your God? You made these decisions on your own... so quit trying to act like you're an angel and he's a devil.

3:15 PM, June 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honey, the most precious gift you can give someone is not your virginity. It's your time and love. So don't sweat it.

This isn't the Middle Ages. You can still get married and have a great marriage if you're not a virgin. Geez, I didn't even know people left high school with their virginity intact. Or a keg party.

3:07 AM, July 19, 2006  
Anonymous Whaddafuxup. said...

You were twenty. A college girl. You really think it was going to be a homerun? He was your first and only, boohoo.

I agree with God on this one. Get over it. You will find another pedophile to hump.

1:25 AM, July 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude it was her first love, don't be so friggin harsh. Everyone knows those are the hardest to get over. Apparently you people have never had anyone to love or had any of your hearts broken.

Honey, things will work themselves out. The anger and pain will subside, and you will eventually find lessons to learn from this experience and take them onto the next relationship. Went through kind of the same thing a few years ago with my first love. It gets better. Trust me. You will find the love that you deserve.

12:09 PM, August 10, 2007  
Anonymous Seahorse said...

This is such a perfect example of how Christian views of virginity actually harm girls- not help or protect them. The whole virginity thing is only making it harder for her to forgive and get over him, in addition to feeling guilty for doing nothing wrong. Ugh.

To Boobear- I hope everything turns out alright for you, and I'm sure it will. Think for a moment about the idea of some power in the world that will lead you towards good without the requirements of obedience and guilt.

1:10 AM, May 01, 2008  

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