CASE #93: LILY + STEVE
SUBMITTED BY: LILY
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 6 glorious days + some others.
INFO: We met on May 17 2008 on a flight from Atlanta to Paris. I am American living in Paris. He is Bulgarian and was living in Florida. He was on his way to a conference sponsored by the company I work for. I was on my way home from a vacation in Costa Rica. I sat in 41A and he in 41B. We spent the 9+ hours of the flight talking about everything and nothing and it became quite clear after just a short while that we were kindred spirits meant to meet. By the end, we had exchanged contact info and planned to meet soon after in Paris.
As it turns out, after his conference, he was supposed to go meet his ex in Sweden, a last ditch effort to get her back (she had dumped him 5 months earlier). Instead, he canceled on her and came to spent 6 glorious days with me in Paris. The most beautiful, perfect days where we fell deeper and deeper in love. We made plans for him to move here and to start our life together.
Upon leaving, the ex got wind of our relationship and surprise surprise, decided then and there that she wanted him back. And that was the beginning of the end.
I fell into a depression, fearing that I would be losing this amazing love. He felt torn and confused.
Instead of coming back to Paris, he returned home to Bulgaria and since we have grown into distant strangers.
This was my goodbye to him.
FROM: LILY
TO: STEVE
My dearest Steve,
I never wished that we would end up where we are today. To be honest, with the way our story began, I never thought it could possibly end like this. But I realize now that it has to, if for no other reason than because it simply cannot go on in this way.
When I met you, I had just had a life altering experience in the jungle where once again I learned so much about myself, about life, about nature. I felt strong and refreshed and connected to the universe. Unfortunately those feelings are long gone as today I feel fragile, unloved, out of touch, alone. I could recount how I think this change occurred, but you surely already know.
I feared you going back to Bulgaria because it represented a crossroads, a crossroads that I sensed with horrible foreboding. One week later, here I am writing this. Self-fulfilling prophecy ? Perhaps, but then again, I think the writing has been on the wall for some time now.
Steve, Monkey, I love you with what is left of my heart and soul, but I just cannot go on like this. I feel you so far away, so distant. It is as if in a matter of days I lost my best friend, boyfriend, lover and so much more. And that pain, that loneliness is too much to bear. A big part of me wishes I had never met you, that I could have just been allowed to go on peacefully with my meager life not knowing that I could ever feel so much love and joy with another person again. Instead, I am left once again to pick up the pieces of this frail, broken heart and figure out how to move on. And that is where I am conflicted, because for as much as I can say I wish I had never met you, I also never wanted to have to move on from you.
Nevertheless, I have no choice but to turn the page and try to forget that our love ever existed because I am not strong enough to deal with this pain. I am constantly saddened by all this love I have for you, for someone who isn't sure he wants it, who isn't willing to put it first. I am wise enough to know that love should never be sad. It should be that crazy, uplifting, cheery love that we once had. But not this.
It is funny how I feel just like the package I sent, sitting there on a shelf, disregarded, left unopened, just "having potential". I thought we had more than just potential, I thought we had a future. And there was a time when we both believed in that future, and now that I have no choice but to admit that that time is gone, I join you in the great unknown and I stop believing. You said once that you would spend your life looking for me, trying to win me back. If there were one thing I would believe in, it would be that. To be honest, though, I am too broken to believe in anything right now.
I have said it before, but know that my love for you was so pure and so honest and I would have given everything and anything to love you the way you deserved to be loved. You are an amazing person and I miss you so much already, I don't know how I could possibly miss you more. I am sure I will though. You have no idea how sad I am to press send, and sadder still to start pressing backspace until I get to 8:45pm on May 17, 2008.
Be well, my love, my monkey. I can only wish the best for you, my beautiful 41B.
Goodbye.
L.
FROM: STEVE
TO: LILY
Lily,
as i listen to the night, the dogs barking outside from the gypsies' shacks, as i listen to the song you sent on repeat(the song he is referencing is Sara Bareilles, Gravity), as i listen to the lyrics of a song for the first time, as i realise with an 's' the gravity i induce,... as i smoke a dedicated cigarette with its smoke rising into a single file of smoke, almost palpable. as the cigarette is almost gone and my face contorted into pain and the tears running down my face and I run my hand through my hair. and close my eyes... as i
oh my 41A! My consummate dream, my Lily. You have to know that i did not for a moment wanted to avoid you, for a single moment did not want to be the source of pain and if there was a way, a way that will interchange the sorrow and bitterness of your life and infuse it into mine, a way to throw the perfect stone at the machinery we call life i would - with pleasure - lay down on my knees and with a smile upon my face grab my fate, my faith woven of justice, feel the blade of the guillotine. with nothing but a smile.
oh 41A. i know, i agree, it shouldn't have been like this, Lily with cap 'L'... your song begins again.
i press send. we will talk in the mourn. i will lay my thoughts and my exhausted body to rest for the brief night.
i dn't want to be "keeping you down"
i love you
**e-closure UPDATE** July 25, 2008
For those of you that haven't read the comment section, i'd recommend reading those before you read and see this next part. If you're not going to then here are the coles notes. When Steve went home he left his suitcase at Lili's place. She didn't know whether to throw his suitcase in the garbage or give it to the homeless guy that sleeps down the street. We asked her to send us pictures of whatever she did.
Here's Lili:
Here are the pictures. I just walked by a little while ago, and the guy was wearing one of his shirts and sweaters. I don't know how it makes me feel, but I think it makes me feel better in some way knowing that on a night like tonight when it is in the low 60s at least he is warm.
he is in the background [of the first one].
Best,
Lili
14 Comments:
Alright. I don't wanna hear any of this 'you were only together for 6 days, you didn't love him' bullroar in the comments that I know you bastards are thinking. It can happen. Some might call it infatuation and maybe it is but Lily felt love, Lily was there, we weren't, let's go with that.
Lily: First off, thanks for sharing. it's wonderful that you had this experience. People live lifetimes looking for days like this, you got it, i'd be thankful.
But of course like any good relationship it crashes and burns. He chooses his old gf over you and you're left alone in a black hole with a noose wondering why.
So let's throw some questions out there for chatting purposes. If you or strangers feel like answering go ahead. If not, we can live with that.
1) What have you learned from this?
2) If you could do it over again would you have sat in a different seat so you wouldn't have to feel the pain?
3) What the fuck is his letter about?
You're his perfect dream. He'll spend his life looking for you, trying to win you back, heck he'll even chop his head off and take your pain. But this was his choice to go back to his ex wasn't it? He wasn't sent off to war, prison or deported. He had a choice, he made it and he chose her. How does his letter sit with you? He says he loves you, can't be with you but will see you when he's dead.
Maybe I am cynical (I don't care)...but how can you trust somebody enough after 6 days? How do you know they do what they actually say they will? (move to Paris)
It is cool that you had that cinematic moment on an airplane but where is the reality in this love?
Oh yeah, there isn't any.
I think you can chalk Steve up to an amazing person, an amazing experience....but that is pretty much it.
I heard a quote once that everyone is getting over someone. . .it is my goal to not be getting over anyone. . . that way when I meet someone it is truely baggage free because isn't that what you would like someone else to do for you?
Lily here.
To answer anonymous' question, I trusted him because meeting him felt like meeting a person I already knew, someone I had known for a long time. I know it sounds terribly cheesy and romantic, but it is true. I also trusted he would be back because when he left Paris, he left his suitcase, completely full with half of what he owns in the world, in my apartment. He didn't see the point in lugging it back across the ocean if he would be back in just a few weeks.
I do like your goal to not be getting over anyone.
As for e-closure's questions, here are my answers.
1) I have learned that magical moments and truly happy accidents seem to be possible and that feeling connected to someone in some infinitely blissful way is possible. Unfortunately, I also learned that there are people in this world that are too selfish to wish for the happiness of others. I lived through all this ex stealing boyfriend back bullshit 7 years ago. It is the same pattern. Ex dumps guy. Guy spends months, years even, trying to get ex back and pining away. Guy meets someone new. Ex's inflated ego can't take not being loved and adored by someone and decides to ruin guy's chance at happiness, get him back, break his heart once more, feel on top of the world again. I am lucky enough to always be the one standing on the sidelines of my own relationship watching it happen. Maybe one day the person I cheer for will actually fight for me...
2) This is the toughest question. I think I would still take 41 A, but perhaps if I could do it all over, I would have protected my heart from him more. What we shared, during the flight and during the days we were together in Paris was so intense and so joyful and perfect, and even after that, our relationship was so full of hope and happiness (until the shit started)... Like I said, having lived through this ex stealing guy back shit already, there was a moment when she first popped back up when I started to protect myself and take a few steps back from him. I should have continued that way, at a safe distance. I also would have told him to take his suitcase with him. It was such a beautiful gesture at the time, when we woke up the morning of his departure and he rolled over and said, "I have an idea, baby..." because now I have 45 lbs of reminders of him sitting here in my house and though I have it tucked away, I know it is there and it doesn't feel good. I need to learn to protect myself and that isn't easy when you are in love, because being in love, at least for me, means letting your guard down, trusting someone and allowing your very independent and self sufficient soul be taken care of, protected by someone else.
3) His letter...aie aie aie....it is very him, but the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. From day 1 he has said he wants to give me everything that life has taken away from me and love me the way that I should be loved. And if this is it, well, shit, I guess I have been a horrible person so far. I believe that he loves me. But I don't believe that he loves me with that all powerful love that he thinks he does. Because if he did, he wouldn't have ever let her affect our relationship. He wouldn't have returned to Bulgaria and we wouldn't be in this position. And that is a hard pill to swallow because I still love him with the same kind of love that we once shared. Sadly, it isn't shared anymore. It is very one sided, but he doesn't realize that just yet. He believes that I am his perfect dream, that he would die for me, that he would spend his life trying to find me, but that he first has to live through this experience with his "past" so that we can be together. What he can't seem to understand is that time is irreversible and what happens from here on out can never be taken back. So him going back into her arms and living another love, well that can't be erased, nor can it be forgiven.
I know that is seems impossible for this to have happened. I can understand that people would think it was just infatuation or fantasy, but I assure you that it was real. Cinematic or not, it happened, I lived it and all my friends who saw us felt it emanating from us. It is such a shame that it ended this way. Thanks for your comments. They help.
oh Lily...he's a retard. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Be strong sweet Lily...You were brave to love with all your heart...don't be afraid to do it again for someone deserving....
Thanks anonymous.
Things are still muddled, and I am trying to get through.
I appreciate your kind words.
Lily
hey lily,
thanks for indulging us with more info. hindsight's a bitch and saying that you'd protect yourself more is a totally reasonable thing (i've said it) but then you gotta think that the experience wouldn't have been so enthralling and then maybe you wouldn't be sharing with us right now cause it might not hurt as much. but who knows.
what are you going to do with his suitcase?
ohh and 'anonymous' wouldn't finding someone with no baggage be someone who hasn't lived or experienced love? don't remnants from all relationships shape us and make us who we are? i know you mean the lousy stereotypical baggage and it's a nice idea but it seems unlikely. maybe that's my cynicism. let us know when you fall in love with someone and none of your or their baggage is involved. we'd love to hear a happy story.
hearts,
e-closure
Hi E-closure,
I know what you mean, hindsight is 20/20 and that shit, and yes, I would say I would protect myself. I suppose the only thing I could have done to really protect myself from him and avoid this situation would have been to walk away the second he mentioned the bitch ass ex coming back around. I thought about it, and let love push me towards hi instead of away.
I still have the suitcase. I talked to him again and realized I am still not willing to let go and give up hope. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me, and he still hasn't seen Her, isn't even talking to Her. So until further notice, it is sitting under the slant of the roof collecting dust and furballs. If and when I do get rid of it, there are two options : 1/ Monday night is garbage night, so I take it out and stick it and all its contents next to the big trash cans, or 2/ I walk it to the corner one night after 10pm and give it the homeless guy who sleeps in the doorway of the shoe store down there. At least that way someone can benefit from all this shit.
I definitely agree that past relationships and the "baggage" they leave behind make us who and what we are and sculpt in different ways the relationships that will come. That being said, some of us (ahem, me) carry baggage and don't let it actually teach us a damn thing, so we carry it for nothing. I say that because I have dealt with exes coming back to steal my currents back and obviously have not learned a damn thing about the hold these bitches have on men's heartstrings. I guess I am a dreamer and just waiting til one day the guy I am with fights for me. That is what he claims he is doing now...fighting for me so that we can be together and he can give me a pure heart.
I don't know what you think, but I have always believed that no matter how long ago, no matter how ugly the ending, we always hold a little bit of love for the exes we truly loved. He seems to believe that until he has chased every single emotion for Her out of his system, that he isn't being true to me. That, or he is still in love to her and lying to me. I have no idea and no way of knowing.
In any case, between my therapist and this website, I have been getting a lot of help getting through this and understanding my own feelings and actions, so I really do thank you for this site and giving dumpers and dumpees alike a place to vent and secretly share.
Best,
Lily
Beautifully said. I totally believe we hold a little bit of love for all our exes we truly loved. I think it's hard not to. I find it more heartbreaking when people say they detest someone they were once madly in love with. I suppose some have more extreme reasons than others but a bunch of the exes gotta be saying it just to convince themselves, to make it easier, but who am i to generalize.
Chasing every emotion for Her out of his system is kind of a lovely idea if it's true. It's not lovely for Her but there's something romantic about it. Not that detoxes are usually romantic but when you're doing it by choice and to be better so you can love again - well, something like that might evoke some emotion from this blogger and that's that. i hope he means it.
if you ditch his suitcase and especially if you give it to the homeless guy please take a picture.
keep the updates coming.
love always,
e-closure
Hi there
Well, I have stopped taking his calls, answering his emails and in one day he has called me about 30 times, sent me 7 emails and left me 2 voicemails.
I can't take the pain of talking to someone who says he loves me and acts as if he didn't. So I am walking away.
I took the suitcase down and left it for the homeless man with a letter. I will send pictures for you.
This is perhaps the hardest part. It is just over. Really over.
Honestly, it's better that it ended, and quickly. It looks to have been a beautiful, fantasy time -- that is, removed from reality. I can't help but think reality would have ultimately ruined it, and left a bigger scar. (His whole going-back behavior indicates that, I believe.)
So now Lily can look back at it as a vacation romance, the sort of sleep-away experience a lucky number of us hold on to to provide dreamy, far-away smiles throughout our lives.
Good call Fights Like A Girl.
Lili, sorry to hear that it's come to this but at the same time you feel you have to do it, so good for you. A lot of people would spend their whole life waiting and that's just no way to live.
You're a freakin inspiration.
love always,
e-closure
It is now deader than ever. I gave him one last chance to make it or break it and the piece of shit couldn't even get his ass out of bed in time to talk to me as planned. So I told him to keep on walking, to live his faux martyrdom bullshit, but to do so without me because as far as I am concerned, it was all lies and fantasy.
Did I mention that he called me a fucking whore when I said I gave his shit to the homeless guy ? He said he was joking, but umm... nuh uh....
As you can see, I have my fire back and have moved on. He is now nothing but some hot 23 year old sex toy that I seduced on an airplane now. Nothing more, nothing less.
And in case you are interested in another one of his epistolary gems, here is a great one that made me laugh plenty :
"This is a note.
It comes with all it's strength - strength typical for notes left here and there, left to carry a meaning long after we pass ourselves into other feelings.
Time is not on my side, your side, our side. You don't pick up. I am not, I don't have the right to be, irritated. I understand why you don't.
I could have been someone so beautiful. You can be someone so beautiful.
Look from time to time in the dirt. You will see me there. Throw a spit, I will be thirsty.
I am going to get wasted tonight. Not something, I know what, is dying tonight.
I will love you Lily. Not even you, what you stand for: the kind, the fragile, the lonely; all beauty and pain in one person.
Steve, monkey
my devilin...."
This came with a picture of him crying, a picture of us together and some crap ass song called Karma. The day before it was Love Song by the Cure which he continues to quote.
Over his tragic hero bullshit. Heading home to Chicago to party it up with my gays, smoke some reefer, soak up the humidity and find a good, deodorant wearing, fluent English speaking man to rebound with.
Spitting in the dirt cuz I know the fucktard is thirsty,
Lily
Lili,
it's been a pleasure hanging out with you on this ride.
enjoy Chicago, the smell of speed stick and eventually someone who will put actions before words.
love always,
dwayne
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