CASE # 39: KYLE + CONNIE

PHOTO AND STORY SUBMITTED BY: CONNIE

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So, back in the day when I was bartending, there was this guy who worked in the building next door. And he'd always come in and have lunch or a soda. We'll call him Kyle. Because that's his name. He doesn't merit anonimity.

So Kyle comes in every day for weeks. And one night my phone breaks. And I can't make it to the Sprint store. And I just broke up with my boyfriend. So I need a drink. I stop in at my bar to use the phone, and drink. And he buys me a few drinks. Then he asks me out. I say sure. He's a cute, clean-cut little I.T. boy and those are my favorite. We go to another bar, have a few more drinks and have a nice time. We go out again, it's all good. Third time, still going well. Probably about five weeks go by, and it's really good. We even briefly talk about the possibility of moving in together. Yeah, little tip there that things were going to go south. That was WAY too soon.

So one night he comes in when I'm working, and gets rip roaring drunk. Maybe I have some responsibility in that, but he was fine and then all of the sudden, he was on the floor. I can't let him drive like that, so I prop him up in a chair and continue cleaning the bar. He proceeds to vomit in my freshly cleaned bathroom. So I carry him to the car, buckle him in, pad his little head with pillows and throw him on my couch.

Now, I drink a lot. And I've done LOTS of embarrassing things. So I let this slide. But then it happens again! Only I can't stop him from driving. He jets before I can catch him. Now he needs to be going west to get home. This idiot calls me and says he's lost and 7 miles northeast of the bar. I give him directions back to where the bar is. This time, I have help. So my pal Matt holds Kyle up while I go get the car. Matt props kyle again the car, and he accidentally slides over to the ground and hits his head on the pavement. So that may explain it. We go eat and I literally have to carry him in the restaurant. Not to mention into the bathroom. I mean, we take care of our own, but this is going too far.

Well, to make up for it, he takes me out. And gets into a fistfight with his exgirlfriend's current boyfriend. And gets his ass kicked. I mean, kicked! The guy broke his hand on Kyle's face. So I spend the next four hours in the ER.

One may wonder why I put up with this shit. One, I like to fix broken people. Two, he was pretty darn good in bed. But still, I'm reaching maximum tolerance level.
So one of my good friends comes into town that I haven't seen for two or three years. Well, I have to work, so Mike sits at the end of the bar, hangs out and gets drunk. He knows he's crashing on the couch anyway, so he can get tanked. Plus, he can hold his liquor. And Kyle takes this opportunity to again get stinking drunk. I didn't do it, he came in that way, and expected he to take care of him.

Kyle wants to go to bed, because he had to working in the morning. Mike and I don't have to work, and we're starving. Sorry, Kyle, you have to go to Denny's with us.

We get our table and Kyle goes to the bathroom. And doesn't come back. Mike and I say "fuck it" and enjoy breakfast. This little dipshit ran a mile to go get this car and drive 30 mins home so drunk he could hardly stand. The waiter at Denny's is starting to remember us. This is embarrassing.

Needless to say, that was the end of the relationship.

Still, I've taken care of him numerous times. And one day after work, I drink too much and can't drive. We went to happy hour, so it's only 10pm. I call Kyle and ask him to give me a ride home, since he owes me. I make it very clear that he owes me. He comes and gets me, but I want one more drink. Apparently, Kyle thinks I called him to get back together. In the middle of my litany of reasons why we would never get back together, he gets pissed and leaves me there. But he has my purse in his car, with my house keys, my phone, all my money... Yeah. I'm bitter. So I go get my car, find my spare car key and go to my friend's mom's house since I can't get into my own. I wake up the next morning in Miss Jackson silk pajamas next to a 55 year old woman. What a night.

Now, I know this is not all his fault. I put up with this wholly unacceptable behavior, and may have even exacerbated it. Still!

So I run into him last night, and I'm pretty drunk. I'm so drunk, I insist on going home with him, against my best friend's profound and very vocal opposition. I should have kicked his ass. I'm such a retard. And it was AWFUL. As soon as I got home, I text him "Never Call Me Again".

Aproximately one month later, I run into his pal, who hits on me. One week later, at 1130 pm on a Tuesday, I get a text from him "Any reason u dont talk to me any more?"

I reply "Any reason to talk to you anymore?"

His response "Is that ur final answer?"

My response "Unless you're trying to fuck me or fuck with me, I don't know why you would try to contact me. No. Final Answer. Bye."

I know it's a text break-up, but at least it's over. How could I have been so dumb? Oh, yeah, I know. I was drunk the entire relationship. Here's to a New Year and not repeating this scenario. Hope someone got a laugh.