Wednesday, August 30, 2006

CASE # 64: I JUST WANT HER BACK + EX-GIRLFRIEND



photo by:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

SUBMITTED BY: I_Just_Want_Her_Back

INFO: My name is "I_Just_Want_Her_Back". I dated "Ex-Girlfriend" for 3 years, we were definitely in love, things were great in every aspect except for 2 areas. First, she was always commitment-phobic with me (which reared its head in different ways: she was concerned about my past sexual history, she thought we would fight about raising our children, she thought that I flirted too much).

Second, her job in OurCity worked her ragged and left her totally drained, short of sleep, etc. In the end, this was the break-up speech that I got "I love you, I'm in love with you, you're wonderful, our friends/families mesh so well, but I have a gut feeling you'll divorce me someday and I don't want to get divorced". (no, her parents are not divorced).

I didn't deal well with the breakup, especially for the first 6 months. We didn't talk on the phone, but I would still send her emails when I felt the need. Like most breakups, I went through stages of denial, grief, rage (which led to a few nasty emails), and then finally some form of acceptance (which is where the email chain below begins). It was right after she informed me that she was now dating someone new, but she didn't say who it was.

Read through the emails below and let me know what you think.

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO: Ex- Girlfriend

hey Ex-Girlfriend,

don't you check your email daily? sans job, i'm checking mine 20 times a day. it's been at least 60 times since i asked you that question so it seems like a lifetime to me.

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FROM: Ex-Girlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

Hello I_Just_Want_Her_Back,

To answer your question....no I do not check my email daily. You emailed your follow-up question to me on Saturday and I left for HerHomeTown on Friday night. I didn't get back to OurCity until this afternoon and since we do not have the internet hooked up in HerHomeTown I do not have access to my email when I am away from home. Therefore, this is the first time I am seeing either of your emails. If I had enough time to send out a personal email or two, I might actually receive a personal email or two and checking my hotmail account would be much more worth it. Instead I continue to be a robot working for MyCompany and my personal email inbox sits more or less empty. If you would like to trade, I'll stay home and check email and you can have my job!

It surprises me that the answer to your question would be so critical. Aren't you dating someone else? As far as I can see, what is truly "your business" is how I conducted myself during our relationship. As I mentioned before I was faithful throughout our relationship....my friends were my friends and you were my boyfriend. Seven and a half months later, who you make "moves" on is no business of mine. Are you looking for reasons to be pissed at me or why do you keep asking me these questions. What are you gaining from this? I still feel dreadful about what happened between us. It was never my intention to hurt you, then or now.

Why can't we cherish what we had? Since the end of our relationship, you've sent nasty emails to me, you've cursed, you've told me that you would email but I couldn't email back (and got upset with me when that is how I conducted myself), you've ignored questions I asked but emailed me time and again if I didn't answer something you wanted to know, and finally told me I could block your address (which now is blatantly obvious that would not have been alright). Through it all I've sucked it up because I know that I caused you a lot of pain. I realize I hurt you, and from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. But I am hurt too. This whole experience has been very difficult for me and you're hurting me with all these emails, and your obvious attempt to hate me. I have nothing to hide but I don't "owe" you any answers that don't pertain to our relationship, so before you ask me again, ask yourself what you are gaining from these questions.

Ex-Girlfriend

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO:Ex-Girlfriend


hey there,

the last email i sent to you was actually written with a joking tone, although maybe that got lost in translation. i was really just making fun of myself for checking my email so often. genuinely sorry if I seem to be pestering you.

with respect to why i care about your answer... am I dating someone else? yes. does that mean that i'm totally into her and completely over you and therefore your answer shouldn't matter to me? not at all. I like the new girl, there is potential there, but i'm still in love with you. i've said it before: the best case scenario with anyone new is that 3 years from now, i hope to feel the same way about them as I already do about you. i'm not dating her because she's better for me than you are - i'm dating her because the woman i love is not coming back to me so I need to try to move on.

Why can't I just cherish what we had? Because if it's truly over, it was essentially a waste of 3 years of my life. You ended up providing me with the one situation that I wasn't looking for: an emotionally scarring mid-term relationship. If you just wanted to be friends, you know I was totally cool with that. You were a cool girl and that's why I invited you to my formal - to be friends. When we ended up fooling around, I would have been cool with just that as well. What we ended up doing, I thought, was the best case scenario - a very committed, potentially life-long relationship. You, as it turns out, were never really open to something that serious. It always scared you, you knew it, but it took you 3 years to admit it and make a firm decision, and only then did that come about because I brought up the topic after watching a movie. Who knows how much more of my life you would have wasted?

I'm sorry if you feel like any of what I am writing or have previously written was done to hurt you. Yes, one email was meant to hurt you, I'm sorry for that one and I believe that I subsequently already apologized for it, but every other one (including this one) has simply been an expression of how I'm feeling and what i'm thinking. I do not hate you, nor am I trying to hate you. Quite simply, I love you, but hate what you've done with my life.

Why does the answer to this question matter to me? Two reasons:
1) I still don't comprehend the reason you gave me as to why we broke up. Even if it really was "your gut feeling that someday we'd get divorced", I might be more willing to accept it if you had been willing to go to counselling to discuss it, clarify and express your feelings, get a 3rd opinion, some advice, etc. If after putting in a bunch of effort you still couldn't shake the feeling, I would still hate the outcome, but at least I'd understand better what you were feeling and could accept that you did everything possible to save our relationship. But you weren't willing to do this, even though I begged you to.

2) You gave me a lot of grief during our relationship about me being interested in other women. You were jealous of women I was friends with, ones I used to date, and ones that I didn't know at all. This also ended up being one of the reasons given to me as to why you couldn't be with me. In my mind, you were just as flirty with friends and strangers, and you also kept in touch with ex's. Despite the double-standard, I believed everything was just innocent fun and/or friendship -- it was easy to believe because I knew how I felt about the reverse situation. To me, if you're now dating someone you knew while we were dating, it becomes much clearer to me why you didn't trust me -- because you could see yourself dating someone you knew, so it was easy for you to believe that I would want to date people I knew.

This would be much easier to discuss, with much less assumed-tone, on the phone, but i can't handle to hear your voice again.

as for not answering other questions that you've asked me, it's been because you've removed yourself from my life, and with it the right to know about what's going on with me. i've wanted to keep in touch with past girlfriends because i've shared significant portions of my life with them, care about them deeply, and i'm curious about what they're up to. while this all holds true with you too, the difference with you is that i don't think we should have ended. Ex#1, Ex#2, and Ex#4 were never right for me, and while Ex#3 came closest, my dishonesty and a lack of a physical connection made something long-term impossible. so while i shared a connection with all four of them, transitioning to friends was easy because in my mind, it was what was best. with you, however, in my mind we belong together.

sorry if my emails haven't been super-friendly and full of good cheer. it's not the way i feel when i think of you so i'm not going to b.s. and write my emails to you in that way.

i hope this email did not come across the wrong way, I hope it answers your questions about why i would like to know the answer to my question to you, and that you'll be honest with me and answer it.

thanks.

I_Just_Want_Her_Back

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FROM: Ex-Girlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back


Dear I_Just_Want_Her_Back,

I really am sorry for "delaying" in my response to you. I have thought about the fact that I need to reply to you every day since you sent your long email to me on 2 months ago. I wasn't delaying to be hurtful... sadly, I feel like this email was my last remaining contact with you and I'm just not able to "let go". I know that I was the one that broke up with you but I still care about you dearly and it hurts so much to know that as soon as I hit "send" on my email I'll never hear from you again.

I assume since you are back in OurCity that you have found a job...congratulations! I hope it is at a great company that treats you well and gives you the opportunities you deserve. You really are brilliant.

Thank you for keeping all of your recent email contact with me polite. I can appreciate that what I have done to you, and to us has been emotionally scarring and I thank you for not being hostile in your recent messages.

So to respond to your "long one" email, I need to set a few things straight. You seem to have a belief that all I ever wanted was to be your friend. I am not getting any younger either and I did not spend 3 years in a relationship to be your friend. If I'd just wanted to go to your formal and fool around with you, that would have been where it would have ended. I wouldn't have gone to relationship counselling to try to learn to accept a sexual past that was very different than mine. I wouldn't have spent my free days and nights with you, brought you into the fold with my family and friends, and pictured getting married etc. When we first started dating I had never been in an "adult" relationship. I "grew up" in the time I dated you. I went from a stage where commitment was very frightening to me, to looking into the distant future with you. You mentioned that I was jealous and gave you grief about past relationships and other women. I don't doubt that must have been frustrating for you. Part of it was based on my own insecurity, naivety in relationships and part of it was based on the way our relationship started and a few incidences that occurred in the early stages that shook my confidence in your commitment to the relationship (ie: the visit from the Edmonton girl and the time I sat in your parents living room waiting to go do something with you while you MSN'd your best friend's old girlfriend and a bunch of girls whom you knew only from previous sexual encounters).

I was frazzled by the fact that you told me you still loved Ex#3, and that it seemed, at the time that the only reason you weren't dating her instead of me was that she had turned you down. The list goes on and on...regardless of that, I believe that I got better at coping with that during our relationship. I have since continued to mature in my thinking. Perhaps mellowed in a way. I did not give you grief because "I could see myself dating someone I knew" as you suggested in your email, but rather because the combination of situations that we faced in the early stages of our relationship (when I was giving you grief) were entirely foreign to me. I was accustomed to less "adult" relationships were people didn't have years of serious experiences or history behind them...hadn't lived with people or had the extensive and varied list of sexual encounters that you had. While we were dating I was entirely committed to and faithful to you...I didn't "eye" anyone else or have my sights on anyone else. Prior to you I was a flirt and an attention seeker and while I was with you...I only needed you. I realize that you probably don't care, but I can assure you that I only now fully understand how frustrating my behaviour (jealousy and "grief") must have been for you in the early stages of our relationship because in my current situation I feel like I am living a "deja vu" except that I am the "I_Just_Want_Her_Back" in the relationship who has a "past" and am the one telling him that I still care about you...which for him has undoubtedly caused the same feelings of concern as it did for me when you said those words about Ex#3.

You said that the other reason that you needed to know the answer to your question was because you didn't understand fully why we'd broken up and why I hadn't been willing to see a counsellor. The things that I deemed as "red flags" in my head (significant barriers/potential problems in a future together) had been building over time. I didn't just decide that we were over because of something I saw in a movie. I had been concerned by this or that at various times during the course of our relationship. I realize that no two people will be perfectly matched, so to me these things were not petty but rather significant concerns.

Even so, I tried in my head to figure out every possible scenario of how we'd have a "happily ever after"...I tried so hard to imagine that we'd be together forever but I always ended up worried and scared that you'd leave me, cheat on me, that we'd end up divorced etc etc. In previous relationships and in my life, I felt like I always did what would make everyone else happy. You told me even as were having a breakup discussion last year that I needed to do what was right for me. I couldn't have some counsellor make me feel like what I was doing was wrong...if it was wrong I needed to learn that for myself. I didn't want to hurt you or anyone in your family but I had a strong and lingering gut feeling and I needed to feel like I had control of my life. I am eternally sorry that it affected your life so much. I wish I could take away your pain. I am crying again as I write this...and I am sorry.

To answer your final question - the man I am currently dating is someone I knew well before you and I were dating. I don't doubt you question my honesty but he was my friend...that's it, that's all. I have tried to make the transition from friends to "something more" with MyReplacement. In a continued effort to try to take control of my life I plan to soon resign from MyCompany and leave OurCity...for real this time. You will then not need to worry about crossing paths with me...I'm not ready for that. I truly am sorry I_Just_Want_Her_Back.

Ex-Girlfriend

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO:Ex-Girlfriend


Ex-Girlfriend,

thank you for finally sending a response and answering my question.

you're right about the "all you ever wanted was to be my friend" comment. i know you loved me at one point and were considering a future with me, so my comment was unfair and said more out of bitterness. i'm sorry for that.

As for me loving Ex#3 and only being with you because she wouldn't have me back, it's semi-correct. Ex#3 is a wonderful girl and the only reason I was single at the time I met you was because she wouldn't take me back. I will also always love her. She was wonderful to me, I broke up with her, and she has done nothing since then to make me dislike her. But that was a long time ago and I'm definitely not (nor at the time of us dating) still "in love" with her. It didn't take too long into our relationship (yours and mine) to realize that I could love and highly value someone more than Ex#3. You weren't perfect, nor did I expect you to be, but you were everything that i had always been looking for. while there have been many girls in my past, i was really only waiting for you.

As for MyReplacement, I can see even moreso why he has a problem with me than you did with Ex#3. by the time we were dating, Ex#3 was already 4 years old and another full relationship in between. in MyReplacement's case, i'm less than a year removed.

MyReplacement was the person i most would have suspected. it's not easy to hear, and while you say you never 'eyed' him, i find it impossible to believe that thoughts didn't cross your mind while we were dating. you were friends with MyReplacement in the past, you dated MyReplacement briefly in the past, you were friends with him again, and now you're trying to date him seriously. feelings of "maybe there's something to this guy" don't appear out of nowhere, and certainly don't appear, disappear, and then reappear again. but that's in the past, there's nothing i can do about it now. but i think you've just sealed-the-deal on me ever being able to date anyone else again who has an ex as a friend. When Ex#5 ended things with me out of the blue and ended up travelling with HerEx, it confirmed my suspicions about them. it didn't hurt all that much - we had only been going out a few months. but i always sensed that you liked MyReplacement, even though you denied it.

I'm so frustrated to again hear you say "but I always ended up worried and scared that you'd leave me, cheat on me, that we'd end up divorced". Do you see why? You haven't said that you would have any problem in the future, but rather that I would leave you, I would cheat on you, and we would get divorced. And maybe it's because you hadn't had a serious, adult relationship before me, but I have had them -- and the most important thing I learned was to realize that there would be hard times, to talk about those times, and to work very hard on fixing problems... not to run away. And I think I did an excellent job of that during our relationship - you were depressed and overworked for a year... I still loved you and tried to support you however I could. You became violently ill at my place after drinking too much... I still loved you, told you everything would be ok, helped you clean up, got you to bed, and made sure you didn't hurt yourself.

I loved being there for you in your time of need. And even when you were still having concerns at the end, i didn't get mad... i wanted to talk about them, seek help, try to improve things. The same would hold true for me in a marriage. as for the cheating and leaving you... listen to what you're saying. You've decided to end a relationship because you're assuming the way that i do think or will think. i will hold back the profanity here but hearing this makes me want to scream/yell/cry/swear/etc... it's so frustrating to me. i KNOW how i feel about you. Even 9 months after you dumped me, i'm still totally in love with you. i would give up anything/everything in my life for another chance with you. jobs, money, condos, etc... they can all be replaced, and they're really only properly enjoyed when enjoying them with the right person.

i know i'm getting repetitive here, but try to see it from my point of view. imagine you're me. you meet someone great, but right around the same time you meet 3 or 4 other people who are interested in you and you have some interest in them. you talk to them all but it soon becomes very apparent that one is extremely special. you begin to date this person with great potential and as time goes on, you quickly realize that the initial potential has been realized and the person is even better than you would have first imagined. you have lots to talk about, you miss the person whenever they're not around, they're funny, fun, smart, sexy, and driven. you spend 3 years together integrating your lives into each other's and you're madly, deeply, and passionately in love with the person. you see yourself together in your 90's. you feel so blessed to have met this person. They truly are what makes you smile every day when you wake up.

then imagine they say "we need to break up. you're going to leave me someday." almost funny at first, until you realize they're serious. you say "that's silly. i would never leave you. i loved you 3 years ago, i love you more now, and i have no doubt that i'll love you even more 45 years from now." the other person says "sorry, it's in my gut." you say "I respect that. you're entitled to the way you feel, but i can assure you that it won't happen. we should try to get this feeling out of your gut. we owe it to 'us'". the person says "sorry, i can't. it's over".

to me, that's what happened. hopefully you can understand my frustration, why i'm still crushed, and why i would give anything to have you back. you're still my soulmate. hopefully, you can also understand why i think MyReplacement did have something to do with this. someone who truly just had a gut feeling would have gone to counselling to try to work it out. the only reason not to was if you had already moved on, at least in your head, to something else.

I quite liked the tone of your email. It was friendly, adult, and well thought out. I was trying to do the same, but I've regressed almost into begging mode by the end. So while I would love to continue to email with you, unfortunately every email just gives me a glimmer of hope that you'll come back to me. Your answer to why we broke up doesn't ring true with me because it makes no logical sense. i'm very aware of how i feel about you, how hard i would have worked to make things work, and basically, how incredibly awesome i thought we were together and how happy you made me. to have you tell me otherwise is too frustrating to deal with.

i broke up with the new girlfriend last weekend. lasted all of two months before we both admitted we weren't right for each other. out of all the first dates in my life, the one with you was the only one where i didn't notice something that i didn't like. as we continued dating, yes, there were things that weren't perfect, but they were minor compared to the overall wonder that is you. even if a new girl i date is perfect, she'll still have one major flaw: she's not Ex-Girlfriend.

on an ending note, thank you for answering the question honestly. while it's an unpleasant ending for me to the chapter, at least i can finally stop guessing about the ending and hopefully start to put it to rest. if you ever want to reopen the book and begin a new chapter, i'd be thrilled. i really don't know what else to say.

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INFO: A MONTH OR TWO PASSED...

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO: ExGirlfriend

i'm heading out of the country today for two weeks on business, but i'd really like to grab a coffee with you when i get back.

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FROM: ExGirlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

wow.....a bit of a surprise request. May I ask why you want to meet for coffee? To be perfectly honest with you, while most of me would love to see you again, I am still a bit of an emotional basket-case and am a bit wary of your intentions. Please let me know why you need to, or want to see me.

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO: ExGirlfriend

wary of my intentions? d'oh! if you're worried that i'm going to cause a scene, physically harm you, yell at you, or say mean things, you have nothing to be wary about. if you're worried about me wanting to talk about how you're feeling and how i'm feeling, then yes, maybe you need to be wary.

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FROM: ExGirlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

This just feels weird to go from dating for 2.5 years to "booking coffee".

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INFO: WE MET FOR DINNER. SHE WAS CRYING AS SOON AS SHE SAW ME AND IT CONTINUED FOR ALMOST FOUR HOURS. THE DINNER WAS ROMANTIC, IT WAS LIKE WE HAD ONLY BEEN APART FOR 2 DAYS RATHER THAN 12 MONTHS. SHE IS STILL DATING "MYREPLACEMENT", BUT HAS BEEN THINKING ABOUT US AND OUR RELATIONSHIP A LOT LATELY. SHE WASN'T READY TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS AS SHE WAS DUE TO GO ON A 3 WEEK VACATION WITH MYREPLACEMENT. THE NIGHT ENDED WITH A 10 MINUTE HUG, HER CRYING INTO MY SHIRT.

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FROM: ExGirlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

It was really really nice to see you again. I hope your shirt dried okay! =)

I will email again after I return. In the meantime, please please please do not to mention the meeting to anyone. MyReplacement was very worried about me being missing so late and for so long without anyone hearing from me. I said I went for a long walk and sat down by the lake to clear my head as I was frustrated by work, cried a bit...my cell phone must have fallen out of my purse into my car when I was grabbing my sunglasses from there before my walk. Sorry to ask you to keep it "on the downlow"....but I don't have much choice. =(

Thank you for dinner. I enjoyed seeing you again.

Hugs

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO:ExGirlfriend

It was great to see you too. I could have spent all night just staring into your eyes again. I won't mention the meeting to anyone.

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FROM: ExGirlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

Thanks for your reply...it put my mind at ease regarding word spreading about our meeting. I feel horrible for "sneaking around" ....but your timing was impeccable in asking for a meeting as I had been thinking a lot about you and us and needed to see you again.

I agree...I could have spent much longer with you. It was so nice to spend time together again. I have thought about you and everything we discussed all day today. I will email you upon my return.

Hugs

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO:ExGirlfriend

i promised myself that i wouldn't write you again because i wanted to give you your space and let you make an unpressured decision. While that's still true, there were just a few things i wanted to clear up before you went off for a few weeks to mull things over without any contact from me:

- both my family and friends really like you and would be very accepting of you re-entering their lives (especially my family)

- as painful as the breakup was, i will not use it against you in the relationship. in fact, i'll honestly view the breakup as a positive because I think it will have helped us both gain a greater appreciation for each other and what we share together

- i'm very open to moving and having a long-distance relationship in the interim. i honestly believe the "it's not what you're doing (or where); it's who you're doing it with that matters" manta.

- the strength of the connection that we share was so evident at dinner when we could just stare into each other's eyes, not saying a word, not because there was nothing to say, but because our eyes were saying all that needed to be said. it's that sort of connection and those sort of moments that fill me with joy, make me feel alive, and make me so happy being with you

- similarly, i'm more attracted to you than ever. I still get excited every time i see you. this feeling fades for most people in most relationships, the still-excited-to-see-you-even-after-3-years feeling is the holy grail of relationships. most people search their whole lives for it, but end up settling for something less. we have it!!

if you ever want to talk, feel free to call or email. otherwise, i promise to give you space to let you make your decision.

almost done here. i know MyReplacement is one of your best friends. i don't know how you feel/think about him in other respects. maybe you do share the same or a better connection with him (although i'd find that hard to believe). but i know that i consider you my best friend. you're the person i want to tell everything to and share experiences with. on top of a great friendship connection, i think we also share an amazing heart connection, sexual connection, and even a family/friends connection. i think we were made for each other.

that's it. i'll be thinking about you.

good luck. :)

hugs

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INFO: SHE CALLED ME UPON HER RETURN TO TELL ME THAT SHE WAS TAKING A JOB ON THE WEST COAST (1.5 HOUR FLIGHT AWAY TO "NEWCITY"). MYREPLACEMENT WAS NOT GOING WITH HER, AND IN FACT, HE WAS MOVING FURTHER SOUTH (6 HOUR FLIGHT FROM THE WEST COAST).

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FROM: I_Just_Want_Her_Back
TO:ExGirlfriend

any chance of seeing you tomorrow? i guess it's sinking in that you're leaving the city in 4 weeks... i'd like to see as much of you as possible before then.

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FROM: ExGirlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

I can meet next week. I don't think that it has really hit me yet that I'll be gone so soon. On the bright side, NewCity is only just over an hour away by plane so trips back would be easy.....but it is still not MyCity. Anyway, now I'm just babbling and I need to get to bed again.

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INFO: I THEN EMAILED HER SOME SONG LYRICS FROM AN ARTIST SHE LIKES

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FROM: ExGirlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

I wish I had an answer for you as to what you should do. I am such a mess. I don't know anything anymore. It is definitely not my intent to hurt or mislead you....and definitely not to make you feel like second best. I am sorry to create knots in your stomach...and sorry to make you feel empty. I am sorry for the mess I created.

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INFO: A PHONE CONVERSATION OR TWO.

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FROM: ExGirlfriend
TO:I_Just_Want_Her_Back

It was nice to chat with you last night. Thank you for the encouragement and support of my new position. It does help as I'm truly feeling pretty anxious about it these days. Even though I know that NewCity is not that far away, and I know I could always come back home...I'm feeling pretty lonely and very scared.

As for our conversation last night....I did not find it awkward. Or not any more than expected. As much as you don't want to know or hear about my trips home, and my weekends...I don't really want to talk about them either....and especially last night, I just didn't have the energy to talk about what is going on in that aspect of my life. So things could have been "awkward" from my end in that I was expecting serious topics to come up...and I really wasn't prepared to discuss anything. I was genuinely grateful to just have a regular conversation, to not cry....so thank you.

These days I am absolutely overwhelmed by all the "big" questions being asked of me and I'm not handling it very well. I'm tired, and stressed, and as I said, feeling very lonely and scared. I've joked with my parents that I'm moving back to HerHomeTown to live with them so I can hide from the real world!

So overall, I realize that these conversations are not indicative of the "real world". I'm not holding anything "against" you...I'm just grateful to hear your friendly voice.

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INFO: ANOTHER PHONE CONVERSATION FOLLOWED BY HER COMING OVER TO MY PLACE FOR DINNER. WE SPENT HOURS JUST HANGING OUT, EATING PIZZA, LISTENING TO MUSIC, BUT THERE WAS NO PHYSICAL CONTACT. I INFORMED HER THAT I STILL WANT HER BACK, BUT KNOWING THAT IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN, I'VE DECIDED TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE.

(updates to follow)

61 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry, but she doesn't love you anymore... I mean she is not "in love" with you anymore. Its obvious that she loved you, and still appreciate you and care about you, but she is not in love anymore.
I can understand how hard it is for you to understand that, but you have to.
I wish you'll learn to fall in love again.
All the best.

5:07 AM, August 30, 2006  
Anonymous The Honest Truth said...

Dear I_Just_Want_Her_Back,

I know this is hard for you to do... but it's something that MUST be done.

JUST LET HER GO.

Your relationship is over. You are only hurting yourself by trying to continue the dialog... Especially by trying to convince her you are the one she wants/needs. Why are you dissecting past conversations and relationships with other people? Why does it matter? What benefit are you gaining from it? Do you hope to win Ex-Girlfriend back by "setting the record straight?" And finally, STOP BLAMING YOUR BREAKUP ON ANOTHER MAN! You are deflecting your responsibility for the breakup onto someone else. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions and reactions. You can't force someone to be with you. There is no need for counseling if one of the participants in a relationship is not interested in continuing it - for WHATEVER reason! There are a bazillion reasons for the demise of a relationship - Not ONE. That "gut feeling" is the easy explanation of why Ex-Girlfrind didn't want to continue in the relationship. It is easier to say that than to have a discussion of the why's and why not's. Granted, it would be easier for you to gain closure if that discussion had occurred, but it really is not necessary. IT SHOULD NOT BE NECESSARY. The reason behind the break-up is not relevant, b/c you cannot change Ex-Girlfriend's mind. She made her decision, for whatever reason, and neither you nor a counselor can change that.

I wonder if Ex-Girlfriend has ended her relationship with MyReplacement, as they are both leaving MyTown for a new job? You mentioned that you are willing to work at a long distance relationship with Ex-Girlfriend, but is she working at a long distance relationship with MyReplacement? It seems you purposely left this ambiguous.

Signed,
The Honest Truth

9:55 AM, August 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the other posters summed it up quite nicely with these two points:

- She's not in love with you anymore.

- Get over it.

And by "get over it", I mean quit being a manipulative victim in all this. She broke up with you and it's time for you to make yourself healthy. Stop calling, e-mailing, sending her song lyrics and trying to force her hand. It's pathetic, and the end all you'll do is push her further away leaving you resentful that you wasted all this energy.

No relationship is really a waste of time as long as you learned something from it. You're bitter that you didn't get out of it what you wanted, but the truth is you grew, shared some good times, probably (and hopefully) learned a little more about yourself and have good memories to look back on.

Let it go; you have no control over this situation and you're coming across as a big pussy. Here's a little reminder:

"Even 9 months after you dumped me, i'm still totally in love with you. i would give up anything/everything in my life for another chance with you. jobs, money, condos, etc... they can all be replaced, and they're really only properly enjoyed when enjoying them with the right person."

That's a fleeting feeling, so stop being a manipulative pussy.

Seriously.

12:00 PM, August 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what everyone else said.

Plus people are just commitment phobic when they don't want to be with you. Eventually she'll commit to someone.

If she can't accept the fact that you nailed more people than she did then she doesn't love all of you and you gotta find someone who sees past that and realizes that hey maybe you've slept with a bunch of people but you want me and wanna commit to me and I should feel special and loved and chosen and all that shit.


Good for you for dating other people. I hope it helps you find closure and someone that won't make you feel like if you'd have done things differently in your past then things would work out now. You should never feel bad about where you've been.

thanks for sharing.

12:56 PM, August 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(first off, let me say, i'm offering these comments with a caring heart, as someone who has felt frustrated and desperate after a break-up, these are things that have helped me, and i hope they help you too. it's about stepping up and growing up.)

lines like "Who knows how much more of my life you would have wasted?" really don't respect the time you had together, and also blame her (which you do frequently) and don't take responsibility for your own role, agency, and choices in the relationship.

*she* hasn't done anything to your life that you haven't *allowed* her to do, or that you've projecting on her as doing to you. she never said "till death do us part". she owes you nothing. she wasn't responsible for those three years of your life.

if this is, indeed, an "adult" relationship stop saying things like it "sealed-the-deal on me ever being able to date anyone else again who has an ex as a friend." be accountable for your own reactions to things.

if you *choose* to react this way, to believe that you "wasted 3 years of your life" (way to spit on the memory of that time together!) then please realize that these are stories you're telling yourself about the way things are, not necessarily *how* they are.

and, by telling her that you don't believe she wasn't eyeing her friend before, you've just called her a liar. pretty nice to the woman you say you're in love with! it is possible someone else might have an experience different to what you can imagine for yourself.

i've been in this situation with guys before when they ask you over and over again to elaborate on your reason for breaking up with them, and it always becomes a long, drawn-out "debate" about the reason given. and it's never seen as a valid reason. if she didn't want to be with you, she didn't want to be with you. that should be enough. her feelings that it's not right should be enough.

i've also badgered people for more information, and have learned that it's often difficult to acknowledge "don't ask a question you don't want the answer to." you'll only be happy with certain answers, anyway. any answer you don't like will become a point of "discussion." let her be.

saying this, i've had my heard broken a few times too, and it really really sucks. like me, i hope that by taking more responsibility for your responses, you will end up feeling more empowered, and stop handing over so much power to another person, when you're really responsible for your own happiness.

7:30 PM, August 31, 2006  
Anonymous Joseph Harbor said...

Easier said than done, right guys? That's the way he's dealing with it, he doesn't need some random condescending lectures.

1:00 AM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous I Just Want Her Back said...

First off, thanks to everyone for their feedback, positive or negative. For the first few emails back-and-forth between us, I totally agree with a few of you that I was not dealing well with things, said some inappropriate things about our time together, and I was being manipulative. but i think that's part of the natural evolution of getting over a serious breakup (doesn't make it right though).

And I believe I was getting close to moving forward, which was why i asked her to meet me. I felt I was at the point where I was ready to hear her say "I'm sorry, but I'm happy with MyReplacement" and then move on. I was ready to accept it. But at that meeting, all I got from her was "I'm so confused. I've been thinking about you (and us) a lot lately. I miss you. I was wondering what I would say if you proposed to me tonight. etc".

But it's not even her words that really affected me (anyone can say anything they like), it was the way she looked at me. She is still in love with me.

On a website devoted to breakup letters and the messiness surrounding them, i'm guessing that many of you are not romantics and don't believe in true love so i guess i don't expect you to understand.

But my favourite comment from the responses was "Why are you dissecting past conversations and relationships with other people?" My response: "Why are you dissecting and feeding off of other people's past conversations and relationships?" Touche. :P

8:38 AM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I Just Want Her Back,

If you want to know why the previous poster was "dissecting and feeding off other people's past conversations and relationships", please see your informational introduction to your letter:

"Read through the emails below and let me know what you think."

It's not that we're without empathy or romantic leanings. I think the few genuine posters here have been through the trenches a little more than you have, and that's okay. When you're on the outside looking in, it's much easier to see things the way they are as opposed to how we'd like to see them. Granted we only have your side of the story, but still...

Sometimes you want something (or someone) so bad that it alters your perspective. You need to completely remove yourself from the situation to see things clearer, and I know that's not always easy to do.

Something still puzzles me though. If you really love this girl and would do ANYTHING for her, do you think you're really endearing yourself to her by posting these e-mails? I mean, for voyeurs like us its great entertainment, but if she ever finds these...ouch!

And to the jackass who burped out this contribution:

"Easier said than done, right guys? That's the way he's dealing with it, he doesn't need some random condescending lectures."

Check yourself. He clearly asked for comments (see top of this post). 'Nuff said.

12:01 PM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous dick cheney's shotgun of advice said...

O... M... G...

Too... many... words...

Please... sweetjesus... stop...

10:54 PM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear I Just Want Her Back,

I'm in a vaguely similar situation. Who knows how she's feeling, but probably the answer is "it's complicated." At the very least, however, she's moving away. Why not spend some years without her? If you're still pining for her after giving some other options a genuinely good shot, then maybe you can do something great and dramatic, like showing up, rain-drenched on her doorstep with an armful of peonies. She cares about you, but she's dicking you around. Love yourself enough to be free for a while!

8:59 PM, September 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Vaguely Similar,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. She has made her move, is still thinking things over, and has given me "christmas" as a time estimate as to when she'll make a final decision.

Knowing that waiting would be hell, I'm trying to stop focusing on her and improve other areas of my life. I don't think I'll date much until then, but I'll concentrate on things like exercise, eating well, hobbies, etc, while separating from her in my mind. If she wants my back at christmas, great, and if not, i should be in a much better space to date others.

2:39 PM, September 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, let me just say that this has been the best case so far, not just voyeuristic, but personally cathartic. I'm in a more than just vaguely similar situation. And, yes, it fucking sucks to have your heart broken like this. But, the single best thing I've done so far was cut off communication with my sweet fantastic ex. It hurts, but you can't debate your way into someone's heart, and dwelling on things only rubs salt in your wounds. And- this is important- if there is ever any chance of you two working out in the long run, you MUST GET OVER THE RELATIONSHIP. Not stop loving her, but you need to move on from the relationship, because it...is...over. I'm not saying you can't start up something new with her at some point in the future, but what you had is done. Go out, have fun, learn from it. You'll actually understand the lyrics of all those cliched love songs. I definitely am a romantic, and while I may not be feeling it right now, there is more than just one person for each of us to love in this world. Thanks, and good luck.

-growing up sucks

1:38 PM, September 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Growing-Up-Sucks,

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Very well written. Quite honestly: Best. Response. Ever.

Hope both of our situations work out, but even if they don't, hope we both find something equally as great. Cheers.

9:37 PM, September 19, 2006  
Blogger e-closure.com said...

Dear Growing Up Sucks,

If we gave gold stars around here for comments, you'd get one. Seriously. Thanks for posting.

Love,
e-closure

9:49 PM, September 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LISTEN AND LISTEN, IF YOU EVER LOVE A WOMAN AND YOU CANNOT BE TOGETHER FOR WHATEVER REASON. .....DO NOT AND I MEAN DO NOT EVER CONTACT HER ONCE YOU BREAK UP.
THE OLDAGE ADAGE IS "ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FOND." I HAD BEEN I A RELATIONSHIP THAT HER PARENTS WOULDN'T AGREE WITH US BEING TOGETHER, SHE CHOSE HER PARENTS. AND I SWITCH HER OFF.AFTER A MONTH SHE CALLED, THEN WROTE EMAILS THEN CALLED, THEN CALLED, THEN WROTE EMAILS, CALLED, WROTE EMAILS...i am sure you get the picture... SHE CAM E CRYING BACK TO ME, I WOULDN'T TAKE HER BACK (but every inch of me longed for her). THEN SHE STARTED TO BEG, AND BEGGGED, AND BEGGED, AND BEGGED FOR THREE MONTHS...AND THEN i took her back with the statement "IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN THERE IS NO SECOND CHANCE.

2:03 PM, September 22, 2006  
Blogger e-closure.com said...

thanks for yelling.

2:51 PM, September 22, 2006  
Anonymous Whaddafuxup said...

Hello I_Just_Want_Her_Back...

I must tell you that this relationship won't work like you want it to. Distance is the first problem. Second, she is psycho. She is working on impulses and what she THINKS she wants. You seem like a good guy, and that's why she is all over you.

But really, she only likes you because you like her. She's an attention craver. And Attention from you = "love" from her.

8:36 PM, September 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear IJustWantHerBack,

I read your emails(and the thoughts that followed) with interest. I must agree with some fellow commentators that she probably won't get back with you *in this situation right now*. I can tell you, just leaning on my own experience now (female-27 years), that as long as I know someone will always want me, I won't want them as much back.
She's got the maximum benefit out of this situation now--you as her friend, her problem-dump, her guy-to-call-when-upset--with hardly any input from her side. She doesn't HAVE to do anything for this service you are giving her, because you, so deeply in love, are happy for any crumbs she gives you. When she says "I've been thinking so much about us lately", it seems like something I would say to keep someone around, without giving too much. Again, I am only basing this on myself, so I could be wrong.

I know playing "games" is annoying, and all one wants in a relationship is to be "real". However, our male/female brains are just wired and imprinted in some ways, and one of those is that if something you take for granted is gone, you'll want it back ALOT more than before.
Maybe you can try, as hard as it is, to tell her that this isn't just enough for you. Who knows how she will react? And if not...you WILL fall in love again, I am sure of it.

(Anyway, in retrospect, I've always hated myself for running after someone.)
Sorry for the ramble :) hope you'll keep us updated!

--Late Night Procrastinatra

7:50 PM, September 26, 2006  
Anonymous I_Just_Want_Her_Back said...

Two part note here:
1. Responses to responses
2. Updated email sent by me

1. Reponses to response
E-CLOSURE - great site, love the comedy you two provide (NOT being sarcastic here)
WHADDAFUXUP - you might very well be right with the "crazy" and/or "just wants attention" comment. however, i'm willing to give her until her stated Christmas time-line to make up her mind. at that point, i SWEAR i will follow everyone's advice and NOT communicate with her in any way.
LATE_NIGHT_PROCRASTINATRA - first off, cool name. second, you are quite likely correct in your assessment. i AM giving her the best of both worlds right now (me as a friend to dump on plus allowing her to not make a decision on the guy she's dating). however, she really was in a bad place stress-wise the past year and i do "buy" her story about needing a little time to clear her head. like i stated, i'm giving her until christmas and then cutting her off completely. i can't wait forever, i want to fall in love again.

2. Email update (i wrote this to her today, with a comment from me afterwards (Robyn was my 2nd most recent ex and someone who ExGirlfriend was always very jealous of):

"my mom asked some tough questions during the visit though, including whether or not i had been in contact with you. i told her yes, to which she followed up with something along the lines of "is she open to getting back together again" to which i said "possibly". i also told her you moved away, although failed to mention that you were dating another man. she says to say "hello" to you.

you also asked about my dating in one of our recent conversations. i told you i had been on one date in the past month and a half, which is true. however, that date was the third one with the girl, although i don't think either of us is super-eager to move any faster. maybe we'll have date #4 another 45 days from now. i have also been hanging out with Robyn a lot the past few weeks. she is back from germany and living in MyTown again."


MY COMMENT: i've been debating telling ExGirlfriend about my time with Robyn, but she did ask about my dating status last week, so telling her is both honest and possible incentive for her to hurry up and decide on me. should i have kept it hidden?

12:25 AM, October 10, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just want to say i think what you are going through is very painful, i'm sure. i have been on the "waiting" end of a relationship, just as you are, and felt very tormented by it. in hindsight, the best thing i could've done for myself was to let go and move on with NO CONTACT. i wish for you the ability to do the same, for your own sanity, integrity, dignity, and self-esteem. waiting around doesn't do anyone any good, for no other reason than the fact that you've given all your power to her. ALL OF IT - to make a decision about you. that feeling must be infuriating and frustrating to say the least.

in regards to your request for comments about your latest email (remember - you asked for comments), i think it was quite manipulative on your part to mention robyn to your ex, knowing full well that it would probably bother her and for the simple reason you stated that you hope it would make her make a decision about you faster. it's manipulative because you don't seem very genuine about spending time with robyn (and how fair is that for her), that you are just using dating/time with other women as a bargaining chip to hold over your ex to get her back, and you're not being honest with yourself in making a genuine effort to move on. if you truly are choosing to wait around until christmas for her decision about you, do it by yourself without bringing other women into your fold (because what if someone really falls for you, but she ends up being just the "meantime" girl while you are really pining for your ex?) - that would make you as sucky as your ex is for treating you this way.

so, if you're gonna wait, then wait. make a decision that you're not gonna move on until christmas by dating. that way, you don't potentially screw anyone over in case you do get back together with your ex, and you don't end up being a manipulative weasel by shoving your "dates" in your ex's face hoping you'll get a reaction out of her.

have some integrity, dude. good luck with all this.

4:42 PM, October 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi 'I just want her back'. Your letters and your feelings echo my own situation. I am 'I just want him back'. I also loved someone in the way you described. Maybe as one person replied, it would be fleeting if it went on forever and would never remain that intense, but that feeling of love is so awesome. I loved him in that I want to marry you and wake up next to you, have your children and die with you kind of a way. I wish everyone could connect this way. After 3 years of 'I love you so much but for whatever untold reason can't seem to be with, I have finally (ok tried before) to ask myself, is this what I want. I want this person, but if they don't want me 'enough' to be with me, I have to press forward, somehow, someway. Like you, I have always been friends with my ex-boyfriends, but when the love is this strong and the person claims to return it, 'ie saying stuff like she could have looked in your eyes all night', this keeps you holding on to hope. Letting go isn't easy (this is 3rd time I try and am committed this time)and will be mind over matter. I am almost at month 2 with no contact but I still pathetically have some emails and a few voice messages saved from him (I too absolutely love his voice and all that he says to me), but will delete them soon. If he doesn't know in 3 years how to make it to me, than its doubtful he ever will and I need to stop figuring him out and try to figure me out instead. I think its the same for you and you need to feel the hurt (for however long you need to)and somehow someway, you will reluctantly but eventually move on. You can do this!! I never wanted to move on because I loved and enjoyed the intensity of the love received even though it in reality it isn't enough if there is no full time relationship. This kind of love can't just be 'replaced' and may never be replicated. You know you are in serious hurt when that old adage 'better to have loved and lost than to not love at all' is not true for you. It hurts more to have loved and you feel sort of ruined (even thought it might turn around one day. Sorry for the long winded email. I deserve more for me, and you deserve more as well. You are not alone in your heartache. I wish you the best.

6:17 PM, October 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Not_alone_in_your_heartache,

Your letter just summed up my feelings about break-ups quite well. That is, sometimes loving an Ex is like dealing with an addiction. You know that they are bad for you, you know that they cause you pain, yet you feel powerless to pull yourself away.

I loved your comment about keeping voice/emails from the ex. I got this picture in my mind of an alcoholic with hidden bottles all over their apartment for those "weak" moments.

Too bad there isn't a "-- Anonymous" support group for getting over an ex-addiction.

I am 6 years past my break up addiction, and thriving in my life. If I could give out chips, I would. :)

11:11 AM, October 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm incredibly appreciative to have read this exchange.

My relationship ended recently and I'm in exactly the same place - unable to comprehend why he broke up with me and impelled to contact him every week or so. All my friends are giving me the same advice as here, and like I_Just_Want_Her_Back, I am inclined to believe myself, not my friends. This has been helpful, in pointing to my cutting off contact as being a way I can help myself.

But to my question, which I haven't seen discussed so far: what is the kindest and most morally correct thing for people like Ex-Girlfriend to do in these cases? I want information. Lots and lots of information. And I think I want the truth, as cold and hard as that may be to hear. The "Ex-Girlfriend" in my life, is not very communicative, however.

3:25 AM, November 07, 2006  
Anonymous dick cheney's shotgun of advice said...

I just want my sweet Rummy back.

Take it like a man. Find someone else to invade oil rich countries with like I did.

12:52 AM, November 10, 2006  
Anonymous I_Just_Want_Her_Back said...

Dear Anonymous,

It wasn't clear if your situation paralels mine in one respect -- why did he break up with you? In my situation, i know she was in love with me and still is to this day. her problem, i believe, is in making a commitment, not in whether or not she loves me and enjoys her time with me. is that your situation too?

UPDATE: i followed the advice here. we are no longer talking. she has until the holiday season to make a decision. at that point, i will cut her off 100%.

2:01 PM, November 12, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kindest and most morally correct: Disabuse him of any inkling that there is going to be a reunion. If I were the ex-girlfriend in that case, I would tell him once and clearly, "It's done. I'm not mad [presuming that's true], but I'm not coming back." And then DO NOT TAKE CALLS or respond to messages. Period. PERIOD! Don't rehash and re-explain. Disappear as much as possible, after making it clear that there is no going back. (Because we all know, that if there IS any hope of going back, it's going to be 100% at the initiative of the ex-girlfriend.)

1:57 PM, November 17, 2006  
Blogger DoctorZeus said...

.

2:27 AM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger DoctorZeus said...

Dear I just want her etc,

Thank you so much for articulating your situation. You, and your ex come across as being articulate, warm and genuinely sensitive people. I disagree with the baulk of comments made in response to your contacts. I understand why people admonish you to stop being a 'pussy' etc, an tell you that she doesn't 'love' you anymore etc. In normal cicumstances they are probably right. In this case, I am sure they are not. I have been through and am still gouing through a very similar situation, and it is cathartic to hear that we are not alone! I've read her comments carefully, and I tell you that, all the signs are there for you to know. I've heard it all before, and I know what you are going through. I'll explain....

You are dating a commitment phobe. She has emotional issues from the past, probably from her childhood. The key to the way she thinks is that she has a distorted view of serious relationships. She thinks that she is totally responsible for your feelings. Therefore, whenevershe perceives a relationship with you she is always afraid to have to make all these 'sacrificies' and constant adjustments to what you want. She starts to feel you are 'suffocating' her, trying to 'control' her, and limiting her freedom. I bet she has mentioned these things to you?

Eventually, the irrational fear of being in this situation takes over and she starts building all sorts of (what seem to you to be pathetic) excuses why you can't be together. In her mind, they are totaly real, and have been building. This is because of her unrealistic view of relationships. She wants the 'perfect man'-who will never really exist. She will pick on any slight fault tht she sees in you-because she wants an excuse to end the relationship etc

Trust me, the way you think is normal. She is not. You come across as articulate and sensitive. So does she. She probably does love you, but she has these emotional issues to deal with. One important point to understand is, SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE THESE ISSUES. You need to understand this, and know if you are ready to deal with this.

I suspect your bored of reading all this, and really would like some advice as to what you should do know?

NO CONTACT. NO ULTIMATIMUMS WITH HER. Trust me, as long as she knows you still love her, she won't go with your ultimatums. You will end up frustrated. Eventually, she will come back to you. I'm not gonna give you false hope, because it could take months and months. However, the sooner you go 'NO-Contact' the sooner she will come back to you. In the meantime, try to move on. See other women, and see how you feel. Maybe you really will 'move on', I dunno.

The REAL question, is what would you do when she comes back? I would be fascinated to hear what you have to say.

2:55 AM, November 27, 2006  
Anonymous I_Just_Want_Her_Back said...

Ho ho ho e-closure friends.

Happy holidays to you all. As promised, the holiday season was my cut-off time for Ex-Girlfriend to make a decision. I haven't been in contact with her in the past 2 1/2 months, but I received my answer tonight. Not surprisingly, here's how it read (I had asked for a one word answer because I didn't want lingering doubts):

"How can I write one word? It makes me sick with sadness as I sit here. I understand you need closure. I'm still a mess....so I have to say "no"."

Like most of you said, it's the same result as if I had just let her go from the start. However, I hope I can move on knowing that I gave it more than a reasonable chance and that I did everything that I could. I still disagree that she has moved on and/or isn't still in love with me. I know she is. Dr. Zeus may well be right - she's not normal and may never be. Maybe it stems from her childhood. Regardless of the reason, the end result is the same. This chapter of my life has to close.

Dr. Zeus - thanks for your feedback. Not a boring read at all. Well-written and insightful. I agree with most everything you said, although Ex-Girlfriend never laid the "suffocating her, trying to 'control' her, and limiting her freedom" argument on me. I always gave her as much space as she needed. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I can definitely say that I was not suffocating or controlling, even in her eyes.

I'd like to wish everyone the best in love and to keep hopeful. I wish this story had turned out better. :( Peace out.

9:35 PM, December 21, 2006  
Blogger e-closure.com said...

I commend you on sticking to your guns. And you're lucky that she gave you a straight answer instead of the ol' "I don't know."

Now you can move on and find someone that will give you all you need/want.

And yeah, it does exist.


good luck.

love,
e-closure

12:05 AM, December 22, 2006  
Anonymous I_Just_Want_Her_Back said...

Uh oh. Update: I was out recently with MutualFriend. The two of us have agreed not to talk about ExGirlfriend when we're together. However, she breached our agreement and told me that ExGirlfriend and MyReplacement split awhile ago. She also suggested that I seriously think about taking a weekend trip to visit ExGirlfriend. On MutualFriend's advice, I called ExGirlfriend last night and asked if I could come visit her. She said yes. I will keep you posted on how it goes.

4:16 PM, March 15, 2007  
Anonymous ruemonger said...

I'm never going to get closure on this story, am I?

Seriously, it sounds like a bad idea, but I wish you luck.

1:14 PM, March 20, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe she subjected herself to your e-mail crap for all that time. I guess guilt is a powerful thing, and you sure reinforced that with the "3 years of her wasting YOUR precious life" crap. I'd take intuition over psychology any day. She was right to not see a shrink. Judging from these e-mails, you are a dweeb and she was smart to have reservations.

1:03 AM, May 13, 2007  
Blogger Grifter9931 said...

First....
"It" never stops...... Once you have that connection it never stops. It may fade, it may be something secondary. However the moment you see her, or get a text from her etc... It bubbles up to the forefront of your mind. But it never stops really.
And no this isn’t for someone who needed to get a R.O. placed on them
That type of "love" does stop. It is actually kinda of scary.

You need to know what your limitations are as a friend and as a human being. We all have someone we will always care about with whom we are no longer in a relationship with. Everyone has that person who we care about. I am not saying its healthy, its just the reality of life.

Wish her your best, walk away and go find a group or someone that you connect with. Maybe take a break from "dating", anything but write this girl again. She made a choice.... respect it. It may have been a gut feeling, maybe she wasn't as committed as you. Maybe she cheated on you to begin with. Maybe you cheated on her and she found out. And that’s where all the baggage is coming from...

Regardless of what the reason turns out to be, do your self a favor and let that time in your life have a some meaning, learn from it and carry on. Get lost in the beautiful struggle we call life. You'll be surprised at what you will find.

3:46 PM, June 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so...what happened?

2:52 AM, September 02, 2007  
Anonymous I_Just_Want_Her_Back said...

Hello e-closure,

Sorry for being away for so long. I promised an update but never came back to do it... until now. This will be a multi-part update.

This first update will be short. I did go and visit her in March '07. We spent 3 incredible days together like nothing had ever changed. She still loved me. However, she didn't want to date again so soon after her other breakup (probably a good call). If she was going to come back to me, I wanted it to be for the right reasons. However, unable to provide me with any sort of timetable, I returned home and provided her the following instructions:

Please don't contact me until you're 100% sure you want to get back together.

Unfortunately for me, seeing her again and spending such quality time with her only re-re-opened the healing wounds in my heart.

12:04 AM, January 13, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and then AND THEN AND THEN..

hurry this is like a bad movie
i need to knowwwwwww

12:23 AM, June 29, 2008  
Anonymous breathless said...

a-a-a-nd then....?????

7:17 PM, September 17, 2008  
Anonymous FreakyDisco said...

This is a common story, but not one told that often. The nice guy syndrome. And sadly as the story so often goes, nice guys finish last. Not always, but I think most nice guys need a couple of harsh breakups before they wise up and don't show their true soppy side until the girl has first.
In this situation the girl never committed because being with you was too easy. No challenge = boredom and a nagging feeling that there's someone else out there that won't be so easy, but will be worth my while.
The only sane advice is 100% cutoff. Don't communicate with her again until you are truly in love again or at least driving sports cars and fucking a supermodel (not in that order).
Been there, done that. Coffee for me 4 years later was cathartic, but anything more would have been feeding the addiction. The festering wound that won't heal because you will always be chasing the dream and crying 'why, why won't she love me' into your pillow at night. Grow a pair my friend, you'll need em next time round :D

3:57 AM, March 29, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

1:35 AM, October 20, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am Mrs BELA from USA, I want to share a testimony of my life to all my viewers in the world I was married to my husband his name is William, I love him so much we have been married for two weeks now with a successful marriage. when he went for a vacation to London he meant a lady called Mary he was behaving some how I don't understand any more?, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. I was so confuse and seeking for help, I don’t know what to do until I met my friend miss Lliina and told me about love spell then i contacted drakugbe who also help me then she ask me to contact him to bring his husband back when she was the same condition like that.then she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called drakugbe who cast a spell on her that make my ex run back to her and he bring him back to me after withing 24 hours. Miss Lina ask me to contact drakugbe I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two that days time he will re-unite he meet me before he will have rest and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to me , I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me are apart from that I also control my husband now and my husband love me never before, you can contact him for your on help Dr akugbe on any problem in this world, he is very nice man, here is his contact drakugbespellhome@gmail.com He is the best spell caster in the world? you can contact him for your help.once again his email via drakugbespellhome@gmail.comdcom

12:43 AM, January 20, 2014  
Anonymous kerend said...

I contacted Lord. Azeez regarding Return My Lover Love Spell last month. I just wanted to drop this testimonies to let people out there know that the spell worked and my ex boyfriend is back now. I was very pleased with the results. So i also use this opportunity to tell you out there that you can get your ex back with the help of lordazeez1990@hotmail. com

11:42 PM, December 13, 2014  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I and Antonio has been together for 5 years. We both put our capital together to open a supermarket and since then we have been living happily without any problem. I always discuss about marriage with Antonio but he replies me with, we will soon get married. I was surprise on Friday evening when I was in my brother's house,Antonio called me on phone and told me that we can no longer carry on with the relationship because he has find himself a rich a lady whom he want to get married to. I shocked and hospitalize for 4 days. I was so tired and tried to take my life because I truly love him. All the investment was opened in his name and signature and I am left with nothing. One Sunday evening when I was searching online for help, I was directed to Akwukespiritualtemple@gmail.com I contacted him and he told me what I need to provide for him to bring back my happiness and within 3days after he cast the spell on him,Antonio realize himself and come back to me,we are happily married.

7:20 AM, January 13, 2015  
Blogger lenna liddon said...

my ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don't know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him.. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 24hr that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr Trust spell, you are truly talented and gifted contact his email: doctorbangola@gmail.com

10:14 AM, February 18, 2015  
Blogger clifford mary said...

My love life has changed for better since the interference of the most powerful spell caster on earth called Dr.ALLI in my relationship, My testimony today is in regard of the help that Dr.ALLI render me when my lover departed from me. My name is SCOTT JANE from UAE and it gives me joy today in writing this testimony as a way of showing my appreciation to Dr.ALLI and at the same time i am use this opportunity to advise those that are finding stress and pains in their relationship or marriages to contact Dr.ALLI who is the best spell caster in the world through these contact details via email: allispellhelp@gmail.com or call +2348149158514 Because Dr.ALLI is the only one that can restore your marriage or relationship with love. He can also help to win lottery spell

6:56 PM, June 09, 2015  
Blogger phil joshua said...

I WANT TO TESTIFY OF A GREAT AND REAL SPELL CASTER CALLED EBOEHI. THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER HELPED ME CAST A RETURN LOVE SPELL ON MY EX AND JUST WITHIN TWO DAYS MY EX RETURNED BACK TO ME WITH SO MUCH LOVE AND CARE. IF YOU ALSO NEED HIS HELP THEN CONTACT HIM NOW VIA EMAIL(supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com) or (supernaturalspelltemple@yahoo.com) or call him on his mobile, (+2348133323923)
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8:44 PM, June 30, 2015  
Blogger WELCOME TO MIRACLETEMPLE PLACE OF HELP said...

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6:30 PM, July 09, 2015  
Anonymous Kimberly said...



My name is kimberly i am from UAE,i was i a relationship with david and will love and cherish our self for 2 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14 a day i can call a lovers day will both had misunderstanding because i answered a call with a guy that is asking me out for a date but i refused,and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and i begged him because i love him so much but he refused me i was so down cast and i feet the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that help her sister out in getting their relationship back but at first i was scared but i have to give this man a try because i love david very much and i am not willing to loose him to any woman,so i ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that make me a happy girl again to say it all my ex come back to me with much lover and caring heart…i am testify to this great spell caster if you need his help you can reach wiseindividualspell@gmail.com

3:37 AM, October 01, 2015  
Blogger Maia Bridgeston said...

The best things they say happens unexpectedly and not all that glitters is gold. Am Maia Brigdeston from Canada i have been sick with cancer for the past 8 years and it has really affected my marriage. Due to the fact that my husband could no longer bear the shamed, he decided to break up with me. I searched everywhere for help but all was to no avail until i saw a post on the internet about a spell caster who has helped several people. I decided to get in touch with him and the spell caster and he told me that the sickness and problems i see today that i will see them no more. He prepared a spell for me and in less that 24 hours, i went for a test in the hospital to God almghty i was confimred cancer free. Before i could finish rejoicing about me been free from the sickness, my husband called me that he needs me back. If there is anyone out there that needs help should contact Doctor Okpamen either via his email or his website. Email: Doctorokpamenspelltemple@hotmail.com

3:07 PM, November 27, 2015  
Anonymous I_Just_Want_Her_Back said...

I just found this blog again after 8 years. So much to update since I last wrote. I'll post again within the next few weeks, but I don't have the time to catch up right now. I just wanted to tell everyone how thrilled I am that my posts, the responses, and this entire blog still exists! Yippee!!!!

5:39 PM, January 10, 2016  
Anonymous Abriana Santos said...

Hello everyone out there i am Abriana Santos from South Africa, When I eventually found testimonies about this spell caster Dr.Zack Balo, how he helped many people to get their lovers and broken homes back, i contacted him through his email address wiseindividualspell@gmail.com because I was absolutely desperate to get my husband back. Life without my husband was a real mess for me and my two kids. i wanted a dramatic change and I thought magic could be the solution. After discussing the resolution with Dr.Zack Balo, he gave me hope that he will restore my marriage. I felt confident that he will actually make my husband to return home and he did it after 3days of casting the spell! It’s fantastic what this great spell caster have done for me, his help is priceless! I don't know what I would have done without Dr Zack Balo, you can also contact him through his phone number +2348078927387 or email address wiseindividualspell@gmail.com.

9:28 PM, March 03, 2016  
Blogger Jessica Tremblay said...

Hello, am here not only to testify but also to encourage people facing marital or relationship issue. About the marvelous works of Dr. Ogundu, email: drogunduspellcaster@gmail.com i was lost in love with my husband until a lady snatched him away from me with an evil spell. then i cried out to my boss wife and she told me about how she faced a similar problem and gave this great man contact to me and i provided all the items he needed for the spell and now am happy again living in love with my family. I employ you to contact this man. Your story or pain’s will change within days and you will be smiling like me today. Once again am grateful. Contact him on his email via: drogunduspellcaster@gmail.com
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5:07 PM, March 19, 2016  
Blogger AGBAZARA TEMPLE said...

There is a certain point you reach in life where you think that there is no hope. i was at that point when my girlfriend for 4 years just walked away from me. but thanks to the DR.AGBAZARA TEMPLE who helped me bring back my husband who left me for another girl. i did everything as instructed by Dr.Agbazara,And after 48hours my husband came back begging me on his kneels to accept him back. if you know your love is what saving contact DR.AGBAZARA TEMPLE on email: ( agbazara@gmail.com ) or call him on +2348104102662

NATASHA
TORONTO

3:52 PM, May 01, 2016  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For Real How to get your ex lover back and be happy again, My Name is Bartley Whitley I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Indian in June last year on a business summit i meet a friend of mine called Mariana she introduce me to a man called Dr Shiva at hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com that he can help me get my lover back, Dr Shiva is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back your love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job am now happy & a living testimony because the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our relationship has been on for 3 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to back to Canada my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn’t believe it because the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help contact him today via his email address at: hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com Or Check Out His Web site at http://hinduspelltemple.wix.com/hinduspelltemple

10:29 AM, June 19, 2016  
Blogger Nicky James said...

I just want to give a quick advise to any one out there that is having difficulty in his or her relationship to contact Dr.Agbazara because he is the only one that is capable to bring back broken relationship or broken marriages within time limit of 48 hours. You can contact Dr.Agbazara by calling him on his mobile +2348104102662 or write him through his email at ( agbazara@gmail.com )

5:19 PM, June 30, 2016  
Blogger Glory said...

Hello, I'm here to introduce someone to you all, his name is Dr.Ekpen Temple a spell caster that help me restored my broken relationship, I saw an article on the Internet someone talking about him how he help her in her relationship, today I'm a beneficial of that article, so that is why I'm also talking about how he has helped me so that someone out there that is facing the same challenge can also contact him for help. Here is DR EKPEN TEMPLE contact info: ekpentemple@gmail.com or on Whatsapp number +2347050270218.

5:08 AM, November 11, 2016  
Blogger smith mark said...


I want to say about my 19 years marriage experience, my husband was addicted to drugs and women. I have been coping with this kind of marriage and bearing everything hopping that he will change. I have 3 kids for him, i could not bear it anymore. I prayed to God and also seek for other advice from marriage counselor but things were still the same. I later got an information from a friend that a spell caster can really save my marriage, i have never believed spell casting but my friend convinced me to contact Priest Emaka and i really contacted him, after everything was done to my surprise he was gradually changing for good in just 5 days after he finished everything in his temple. He has change finally now and he is now a very responsible husband. Here is Priest Ekama email: (DROEMAKALOVESPELL@outlook.com) Its great to have my husband back on this Xmas season, he can spend so much time with his family. If you are facing problems in your marriage or having difficulties in getting your partner back after breakup.

10:53 AM, November 22, 2016  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to thank Dr.Agbazara for his job in my family, this is man who left me and the kids for another woman without any good reasons, i was pain and confuse,till one day when i was browsing through the internet with my computer then i saw Dr.Agbazara contact, then i contaced him and he help me cast a reunion spell, since I then the situation has changed, everything is moving well, my husband who left me is now back to his family. reach DR.AGBAZARA TEMPLE via email if you have any relationship problem at:

( agbazara@gmail.com )
OR whatsapp or call him on +2348104102662

5:28 PM, November 26, 2016  
Blogger joecoles said...

WARNING: You MUST watch this video all the way to the end to get your ex boyfriend back this simple, push-button way.

Watch the video on this page and learn how to use tiny little text messages sent from the cell phone you have in your pocket right now to crawl deep into your ex boyfriend's or ex husband's mind and reawaken his passion, love and desire for you literally at the push of a button. Even if your ex boyfriend won't answer your calls, emails or texts now, you'll be amazed at how quickly his attitude towards you changes once you learn these simple secrets.

The techniques in this video are so simple ANY woman can use them to get astonishing results in shockingly little time. Just imagine what will happen when he calls YOU begging you to get back together because you used these simple techniques.

Follow the link for you’re free presentation. How to make your ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend Come Back?

Thanks again.



















.

10:19 PM, December 18, 2016  
Blogger Rosalind Henson said...

Life is good when you have your love ones around you, I am saying this because when i had issues with my lover i never seen life as a good thing but thanks to Dr. Ogudugu of OGUDUGU TEMPLE, for helping me to cast a spell that brought my lover back to me within the space of 48hours. My husband left me for another woman after 7YEARS of marriage,but Dr.Ogudugu help me cast a spell that brought him back to me within 48hours. I am not going to tell you more details about myself rather i will only advise those who are having issues in there relationship or marriages to contact DR. OGUDUGU TEMPLE through these details via;
(GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM) or call him on (+2348142250751).

3:39 AM, December 19, 2016  
Blogger Renea Holman said...

Am writing this article to thank Doctor Ehimen for the wondrous miracle that he did for me because he helped me recently to bring back my lovely husband that left me for his EX girlfriend for no reason for 4 years. Am Renea Holman From Belgium. After enough searching and surfing on the internet, I came across a post made by Valeria Diego from Mexico referring of how she was helped by Doctor Ehimen the spell caster. I also decided to contact the spell caster called Doctor Ehimen for help because i was desperate and i needed to get back my lovely Husband and happiness. I followed all his instructions and he promised and guaranteed me that my husband will get back to me within 12 to 16 hours after he has finished with the preparation of the spell. I hid to his words and am happy and i can proudly say today that i have my husband back with the help of Doctor Ehimen. Viewers reading my post that needs help can get in touch with him via Email: Doctorehimenspelltemple@hotmail.com, Doctorehimenspelltemple@gmail.com OR Website: http://www.doctorokpamenspells.com

12:59 PM, April 11, 2017  

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