CASE #92: STEPHANIE + RAY

SUBMITTED BY: STEPHANIE
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP:2 years 7 months - off & on

INFO:Ray & I worked together when I separated from my ex-husband. He was married to his high school sweetheart and never showed an interest in me until our boss took us all out for dinner & drinks one night in May 2005. He started flirting with me that night and I ignored him, knowing he was married. By the time we hit our 3rd bar, he was all over me, propositioning me. I told him to back off & I went home. About 2 weeks later, I had an extreme moment of weakness and called him. We hooked up that day. It was great for him since I wasn't the first woman he'd cheated on his wife with and torture for me because I was raised to believe marriage was sacred & in the almost 8 years I was married, never cheated on my husband. Yet I ignored that nagging voice because my self-esteem had taken a major hit over the years and continued seeing him.

When it became too much for me, I tried ending things. Every time I tried ending it, he'd talk his way back in saying things like "Just go with it. Let's see where this goes." giving me false hope that maybe someone cared about me after all these years.

4 months after we started seeing each other, he moved out of his house and separated from his wife. I continued seeing him, completely miserable and lonely. He couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to divorce his wife or not and so the emotional see-saw began. After a year, it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, moved out of my apartment, into a place where he couldn't find me, changed my email & phone number, and quit my job. He managed to find me anyway & weasel his way back in yet he still couldn't make a decision about whether to leave his wife. Another year passed, his wife found out about us. He freaked out and wanted to stay with her. I started to date again & he got so jealous, he would call & text me exclusively at night because he knew I would be on a date & I would start thinking about him.

He decided to divorce his wife but began to make half-assed excuses as to why he hadn't filed the paperwork. Although I continued dating other men, had to be put on Zoloft for my depression, started seeing a therapist and just didn't care about life anymore. This past January, I decided to take a chance and move far away from him and really start over. He told me the night before I left that he wanted to stay friends but when we would talk, he would get jealous when the subject of dating would come up. He knew I started seeing someone exclusively a few months ago and that's when he stopped emailing, calling, and text messaging me. I, again stupidly, tried contacting him to keep in touch but to no avail. Last Friday, I'd had enough of his games after he finally decided to pick up his phone and a battle of the insults ensued and this letter was emailed to him first thing Monday morning.

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FROM: Stephanie
TO: Ray

Ray,
I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking (surprising how things don't change). I thought about our conversation(s) Friday night, I thought about my life now as it is, and I thought a lot about whether to even write you. I'm completely sober, at work writing this and what I'm about to say is how I truly feel and is the honest to God truth.

First, I want to start by saying congratulations on your engagement. I'm sure it's something you think you really want right now. Marriage, as you know, has always been something I've held with the highest standards, in spite of our nasty little adulterous relationship. Yet in my mind, your situation also brings me great sadness because it reminds me of someone else I was with at one time. Someone who went back and forth with whether to save our relationship or just say goodbye for good. Someone who while he was still considering saving our relationship, became involved with someone else and after a very, very short period of time, decided to marry that person. Therapists refer to that as the very worst rebound relationship and I feel sad that one day soon after you marry again, after only knowing her for less than a year, you'll realize what you've done. My therapist told me that 80% of 2nd marriages fail within the first year because people are, in vain, hurrying to gain what they felt they were lacking in their last marriage only to realize they truly don't know the person laying next to them in bed. And please, don't even presume to think Ryan is a rebound from you or anyone else. I'd dated plenty of guys and spent enough time alone before coming to him.

This brings me to my next point. In my drunken state Friday night, I lied to you which I quickly realized was ridiculously stupid. I'm not pregnant, and I'm not engaged. Ryan & I have been together for two months now and are very much in love. I spent the first 65 days after I moved here single, and I loved it. I dated who I wanted, when I wanted, and on my terms. I was, for the first time in a long time, genuinely happy. I told myself that even though I was turning 32 next year, I was in no hurry to be in another relationship, much less get re-married, having spent the last 12 years of my life being lied to, cheated on and basically miserable in my relationships with both you & Bobby. And because of those relationships, I was convinced that all men where the same, and would never be able to treat me the way I deserved. I was convinced that although 99% of men in the world claim to be "men", when it came down to it, none of them could really man-up.

And then I met Ryan. Our first date lasted 12 hours. He didn't overtly flirt with me, he didn't proposition me. He didn't touch my ass or tell me I had nice tits. He was a complete gentleman. We talked about everything; the good, the bad, the euphoric, the horrifically scarring, and the events that made us who we were. We compared stories, laid everything out on the table, and with our last drink that night, we toasted to never being in another bad relationship. Yes, I told him about my depression. Yes, I told him about taking too many Xanex and drinking and wanting to hurt myself multiple times. Yes, I told him about the miscarriages with you & Bobby. I even told him that Bobby never wanted children and even though you claimed to, you wanted me to get an
abortion.

Last month, my period was late again and I classically started freaking out. My mind told me that Ryan would open his wallet and want me to get rid of it if I was pregnant. So when I sat on his couch crying about being late, he wiped my tears away and told me we would get through it. He said he would NEVER ask me to get an abortion. Not because we both wanted children, but because he always thought it was the easy way out. The way that cowardly, irresponsible people handled the situation. If we were adult enough to have sex, we were adult enough to face the results, whatever came our way. And then he said the unthinkable. If I was pregnant, and I thought I needed to be married to have children with someone, we would get married. That made me cry even more. I thought about all the times you told me you would never marry me if I became pregnant just because "it was the right thing to do." All the times you selfishly wanted me to abort our child because you weren't ready to have children. Ryan's not ready to have children just this moment either, but if the situation presented itself, he would do it in a heartbeat. I told him that I didn't want to get married unless both of us felt strongly about it.

Shortly after we started going out, we went to a baseball game and on my way to the bathroom, I ran into Bobby's cousin. He was cordial and asked me what I was doing in Albuquerque . We talked for a few minutes and when I went back to my seat, I told Ryan what happened. Ryan had his eyes fixed on the game as I was talking to him and with a smirk on his face he said "Did you tell him you finally met a real man?" I smiled and thought to myself that indeed I had finally met a real man. Because of my insecurities, we've gotten into two arguments since we've been together, both my fault. Each time I thought that it was over and that he'd be completely unforgiving like you'd been to me. Each time, afterwards, he asked me if I was feeling better. He would say, "Don’t worry about it Stephanie. It never happened." I came to realize he didn't really mean that it never happened; just that we would learn from it and let it go.

I used to think that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I was wrong. Although our relationship made me who I am today, Ryan is proving to be the best thing that ever happened to me. He's restored my faith that I will get what I want out of life. He's never cheated on anyone, he respects women, he always appreciates the little things I do for him and shows me that he does. Friday after I got off the phone with you, I started to cry. I told him what happened. I told him about my attempts to contact you in the past and to remain friends with you. I told him that I was upset not because I wanted to be that girl engaged to you, but because I was afraid that I would never be engaged or married or have children. I'd never cracked like that in front of him before. I told him when we started going out I just wanted to "be" with someone. Happy and in love with no rush to anything. He got me to stop crying, said he loved where we were in our relationship and where we were headed, and for the first time in the 66 days since we started seeing each other, he told me that he loved me. We'd talked about falling in love with each other previously but that was the first time he said "I love you." I was euphoric. He wiped away my tears, kissed me and for the rest of the night, we had a blast. He's never taken off at 7 AM on a Saturday morning. He's never thought not to invite to wherever he was going. We've spent almost everyday together since we met. He's never said "Oh you have a company event to attend? Ok, I’ll see you later." It’s always, "How should I dress?" Ryan has not one selfish bone in his body.

I want you to know that every attempt I've made to stay in contact with you has been for the sake of friendship and nothing else. You made a few comments Friday which alluded to the idea of me wanting more from you. I want you to know I don't. Before I left California you said you never wanted to be out my life. In my stupidity, I believed that to be true. You also brought up me threatening you on several occasions. Next time you dwell on that, I want you to think about every time I tried to leave and you asked me to stay. Every time you claimed to love me but could never let anything go (she hasn't seen that side of you yet has she?). Every time you said you wanted to marry me and have kids. Every time you would go weeks and weeks without talking to me only to call me in the middle of the night "worried" about me, when in fact your ego was worried that you'd lost someone who claimed an interest in you. Every time you stayed the night and had to rush back to your wife the next morning because of your all consuming guilt and selfishness. Every time you tried to make some token half assed attempt to reconcile with Paula only to run back to me and then again, change your mind. Every time you insisted I pay someone to kill our children and get an abortion. The times after I moved and changed my number to get away from you that you left notes on my car & drove around Ladera Ranch looking for my car.

Think about that next time you decide to paint me in a bad light. I'm a great, loving, person who let you push me over the edge more than a few times. Yes I know I was part of the problem. I should have left you alone long ago but you have a fantastically, manipulating way about you and I continued to get sucked in. John told me a long time ago that you were an opportunist and I got pissed at him for saying that. I told him you were a good person at heart. HA. You are the personification of an opportunist. That's why you treated me, Tasha, Lora, Elaine, Paula and everyone else I don't know about the way you did. Without respect, without regard, without an unselfish thought.

I was telling you the truth when I said he'd met my parents and the rest of my family. A few weeks ago Olga found out that she's pregnant. It was totally unexpected. Saturday night Ryan & I brought dessert over to my parent's house and he & Josh were talking about video games and transformers. My oldest brother, Steven made a joke that the baby would be pissed at "daddy and Uncle Ryan" for playing with all the toys. He looked down at me, smiled, and whispered that he loved me. I've never been happier. Ryan & I have no plans to marry or move in together anytime soon but we have talked about adopting and having kids and we know it's in our future. Right now we're having fun and still learning about each other. We are in no rush.

So this I promise you Ray from this point on – no more phone calls, no more emails, no more Myspace comments, nothing. I guess you'll never forgive me for "unnecessarily" threatening you and whatever else you imagine I did to you. And there's nothing I can say or do about it. No wait...there's nothing I WANT to do about it. I was a jealous insecure basket-case while we were together and with all the cheating you did on your wife, who can blame me? Your friends will say "you're better off without that psycho bitch." And Sandy is already stroking your hair and cooing how you deserve someone better. This will make us both a lot better off... well me at least. This note will be the last memory you'll ever have of me; I'm gone and never looking back.

I'll end this by telling you the same thing I told Bobby when I found out he was remarrying so soon after he & I had split up. I hope you know what you're doing. Rebound relationships and marriages end up being a nightmare. But of course you already know that. You and I are the perfect example of that.
~Stephanie