Wednesday, July 05, 2006

DUMP DAY # 2 my first dumps...


Dwayne on the keys here. Since Charles told his, it's only fair that I tell mine. And since we don't have any other letters to post, now you gotta read this. We warned you. Send letters or we'll go through all of the girls we've ever held hands with and you'll die from boredom.


Back when I was a child I swore that I would never like girls, cause um, they were gross.But saying you're not going to like girls as a kid is almost as naive as saying:

"I'm never gonna drink again" when you're 15
"We're going to be together forever" when you're 20
And "It might not be mine" or "That'll probably clear itself up" any other time in life.

Part One: Dwayne + Eliza

The first girl I ever went out with was the first girl I ever openly dug. I'm sure at the time I said I was in love, but hindsight tells me that I was young and my report cards tell me that I was mildly retarded.

I met Eliza Jensen in grade 7 when we all had to switch schools. She was smart, feisty and her bangs looked like Cameron Diaz's in There's Something About Mary. Seriously. I'm pretty sure she used hairspray and not semen, but who am I to jump to conclusions?
We became friends and started chatting on the phone. Or she talked, I hung on her every word, tried to say funny things but mostly I'm pretty sure I just laughed at her jokes, said "that sucks" or "that's funny" A LOT and tried not to shit my pants at the fact that I was talking to a girl I had a crush on.

I was no stranger to friends that were girls, (I was metrosexual even then) but this feeling was new. Everyone including Eliza knew I was infatuated with her but I would have to wait until grade 8 for the magic to happen.

I asked her out or she asked me out, or someone asked her out for me and then the sparks flew. The moment I remember the clearest from the whole relationship happened at a cool kids party, see she was cooler than me so I got to go. We'd been labeled for a couple weeks when the party took place which meant that it was time to kiss on the mouth. I'd heard from friends that she said that it would be ok if I did. And I assume that she'd heard from my friends that I would be into kissing and that it would probably happen at the party.

Truth was I was more terrified of kissing than I was looking forward to it. I couldn't say that though cause I had to pretend to be as cool as my mushroom cut. I had never kissed anyone. What if I was horrible? What if my giant lips swallowed her face, or I choked her to death with my abnormally large tongue? I was even neurotically insecure at 14.

So the cool kids party was almost over. As I was saying goodbye to her we're in the hugging/standing/slow dancing position and she said something like;
"Too bad you have to go, I wanted to kiss you tonight"

Which I would later learn that this translates into:
It's okay to kiss me, do it, do it now! Thumbs up. The runway is clear. Green light. You want some wine? My parents are out of town for the weekend. Can I rub your head? Let's check out the basement. I don't even like you. You complete me.

But instead, I panicked, started sweating a lot and sputtered out these 7 words:

"Yeah, me too. Maybe some other time."

Then we hugged and I left.
"Yeah, me too. Maybe some other time?"
Gawd Dwayne! Who says that?
That phrase would echo in my head over and over for the rest of the year.

A couple days after, needless to say, I got dumped. I always thought it was because I was square or she thought I didn't like girls. So my inner Rob Gordon/John Cusack/Nick Hornby emailed Eliza to find out her version. Here's what she said:

Honestly, all I remember is that we were "going out," which meant talking on the phone and sometimes hanging out at recess. Which was pretty fun at the time. I don't remember if it was you idea, or mine, but it happened in ways that these things do when you're a kid. I wasn't really comfortable having a boyfriend at the age of 13, but who was? I do remember Michelle playing a big part though. She was so in love with you. She asked me if I still wanted to go out with you, I said I didn't know (because I really didn't) and she broke up with you for me without me knowing. Then she came and told me. And I felt really, really, really bad and had to tell you I was sorry. I couldn't even look at you because I thought you hated me. As for you being a pussy or gay or whatever you might have thought you were, I don't think I was even old enough to know if I wanted action or not. Plus, you've proved that you're not by kissing many other girls that we grew up with since then...

Many? Rumors that sound like I kiss a lot of girls are cool. So I'll leave that in. Scores. I remained smitten with her for a year or two after that just to torture myself and to this day still haven't kissed her on the mouth. But I still think she's radder than rad.
Thanks Eliza.

Part 2: Dwayne + Sandra

So it's the summer before grade 9 and I still haven't smooched a girl. But I had just found out what masturbating was and would later learn that once you do it properly it doesn't sting. Then along came Sandra Emmerson; she was a tall brunette with a stellar body, had boobs at 14, wore really short skirts and her best friend's last name was "Gay."

I mean really, how could I not be into that? We "went out" for a few weeks or so.

What I remember from the ordeal was that she gave me a white rose and I thought that meant I had to marry her. So I eventually called it off, or told someone to tell her I had called it off. Those were the days; back when you got someone else to break up with the person for you. I think I'm gonna bring that back. Next girl I date, I'm gonna break up with her through a friend. Everyone reading should try it.

It would only be fair if I got Sandra's side of the story and lucky for you kids I recently reconnected with her. I had to ask the girl I had my first kiss with what she remembered.

Well, to be honest I don't remember a great deal about the break up...Here's what I do remember about our long-term relationship...

There was a party at your house and everyone was around your pool. I remember starring at you incessantly and thinking to myself "Sandra, he'll never go for you...wait a're Sandra Emmerson for god sakes!...nah...still don't think he'll go for you"

We did end up going out obviously or I wouldn't be writing this...I don't remember who asked who but I am pretty sure I asked you.

I remember talking to you on the phone and you were grounded. I think we had one of those talks where we said things like, "I miss no...I miss you ga goo goo". I felt horrible I couldn't see you that day so I sent you a white rose. I remember I ended up coming over and your mom took pictures of us because I was "so sweet". Little did she know a couple nights later we had our first kiss in your bedroom. I must admit it wasn't the greatest kiss I ever had but that's because we were like 14 years old.

What put the cherry on the cake for me was that you stuck your gum to your closet door before kissing were always such a gentleman.

Anyways, I still really like you...but only in a 'I think you're really awesome but nothings going to happen cuz I'm married' kinda way. I hope you understand.

Married! Oh Gawd. I thought we had something special. What was all that one in a million talk? She's completely over me and I'm a bad kisser. It stings like masturbating use to. And now my mom knows cause she totally reads this and I'm gonna be grounded.

Thanks Sandra. Really. You're special.

Well, this has been a really pleasant/scarring trip down memory lane. Feel free to send us your First Dump stories. We'll post if for sure if you include mementos. Those are the best. I'm going to go back to french kissing my arm in hopes of improving my skills or lack there of.



Anonymous Anonymous said...


xoxo mom

6:24 AM, July 06, 2006  
Blogger said...

mom imposter.

9:20 AM, July 06, 2006  
Blogger said...

ok. Apparently that really was my mom.

11:05 AM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...





11:25 AM, July 08, 2006  
Anonymous dick cheney's shotgun of advice said...


I miss you most.

I miss you infinity times infinity.

-Your favourite Vice Presidential Shotgun.

PS. Hi Mom!

8:30 AM, July 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we love you, dwayne. although you wish to be things you currently are not, you are perfect just as you are.

for real.

love and love and love,
l & k

2:36 AM, July 15, 2006  
Blogger jojoware said...

damn that was a great post. thanks for sharing. seriously, i almost cried from laughing so hard.

1:19 AM, August 24, 2006  
Blogger GorbaChavez said...

Great stuff! I laughed so hard I almost heard it over the sound of my own awesomeness.

And for the record, i'm gladd "first dumps" didn't turn out to be, well, we'll just leave it at that...

2:19 PM, December 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:18 PM, March 25, 2007  
Anonymous Karla said...

:) i lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve this post... thanks for shairing!!! but i'll admit you left me wanting more and kinda sorta wanting to share my own "dumps" ... we'll see

still laughing,

5:29 AM, August 17, 2007  

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