Tuesday, January 08, 2008



INFO: Released strictly under the confidentiality. Macy and I met at high school. Due to a timetable clash I ended up in her history class, she was a year younger and I hadn't noticed her until then. She was brilliant (Dux brilliant), sharp, confident, argumentative and naturally beautiful albeit overweight. I realized I had it for her hard when at school break I missed all my buses home to tell her that her holiday would inevitably suck as I wouldn't be there. We were in a heavy relationship from that point on. We started having sex within a month of going out and the relationship was very intense. It was also very intellectual, we both have immense passion for the arts and the social sciences. Both of us geeks, Her passion was in theater and literature, mine computer science and philosophy. We would talk for hours about the plays we had seen or morality. We were also very sexual, nighttime tag games and outdoor sex, toys, porn. We would make love mostly four times in a week, sometimes more.

But we had our differences, Macy's passion was also marred with self doubt, mood swings were constant, My mood always level sometimes even seeming flat. I am not particularly tidy, Macy was a tidy freak. I don't drive. I don't eat meat. I had a stable job. Macy's stress caused her to drop hers and so I was better off financially. We were living in and out of each others pockets. Claustrophobic, over dependent and far too exclusive too the point that we really had no real friends outside our relationship. Eventually good and bad times were on par.

We had talked of a conclusion in the preceding months and finally Macy surfaced the topic seriously and we decided to end. It was tough, almost getting back together again after 3 days. Life for me sucked, I had drifted away from my friends so crawling back to them to help me through this was not easy. To makes things even crappier I would get these sweet notes(I would send these but they are now burnt) left at home from Macy every time she had a relationship rethink. My heart on a string. We were still 'friends' living apart now, she would dump her emotional loads and daily schedule on me like a best friend, even her new crushes. She started a rebound relationship 2 weeks later. I called our friendship quits and tried my best to keep her from my life. Started going on dates again. Rekindling old friendships.

Four months later we both seemed to have changed, both healthier, fitter. I had left university and started working for a flash new software startup. She had started at her exclusive national drama school. Her current beau Sam (the rebound) was a sucker though. She started calling me, I gave in and we started being friends again. We started hanging out. Her Christmas with Sam was total arse and we found our selves back in our home towns over the remainder of the Christmas holiday. Started talking about getting back together in the future, and that we were meant to be. Macy seduced me deliciously and we fucked. Not love making. It turn out that she had fallen in love with Sam and me and wanted to compare. I was better apparently, amazing BUT, but there was not the passion she had imagined. I felt gutted and used. We parted. A week later she had broken up with Sam, I thought we were getting back together. She rushed straight back to me but was a mess. Heartbroken over Sam who wouldn't say he truly loved her. I took care of her consoling her like a sucker. I was in love with her, and she was in love with him. Eventually they ended up getting back together, but Macy wouldn't tell me so. She liked having her best friend back. I found out and severed the friendship completely again. It was all much too hard to cope with.

Months later after she started making contact again, through friends, my parents etc... She emails me with a diary of her year to date that she has been writing to me. Here is that email correspondence, the final break up. We haven't spoken since. Her diary to me is attached to help frame her personality, it is brief. I still think about Macy most days. I really just want to let it go.

- Jefferson

DATE:13 May 2007 16:21
FROM: Macy
TO: Jefferson
SUBJECT:same same but different

Dear Jefferson,

If you feel like you don't want to talk to me or read my writing then don't open the attachment. I really want to share what I have been thinking and doing with you. But I know that you told me that i had to wait til you are ready. you know how impatient i am. any idea on how long that will be? anyway. tell me if you don't want me contacting you again. hope everything is cool. saw you the other day at the foodcourt- you and your mighty mohawk. take care.



DATE:16 May 2007 00:48
FROM: Jefferson
TO: Macy

Dear Macy,
I do not want to talk to you. Emotionally it is too hard. I know you like to be in everyones good books but it is not like that. We have to accept that what we had is over. Thanks for the CDs. My room was in a terrible state :( I do not have a Mohawk anymore.

This is tough stuff Macy, you are being quite manipulative. You leave a trail of subtle hints, things that will seed in my mind, so that I will think of you. By this I mean visiting my mum, coming by my house (was it you who folded my towels?), asking about me. This relationship is not a book you can tweak to leave it open. It is unfair to keep turning these pages until you find the right relationship.

If I didn't think Sam was a dick I would feel real shit for him, especially if he knew how you felt. You live from the heart and it is magic, but it can be a callous and selfish means to live by. Learn to make stands with your self, be emotionally strong.
This is a drain on my soul. These are the best fucking years of our lives and you are screwing yours up with dipshit priorities. I immensely love you Macy but it is not enough anymore. I will not be your platonic friend ever.

So really Macy I plead to you to sort this shit out.

Yours sincerely,

DATE:17 May 2007 10:47
FROM: Macy
TO: Jefferson

Dear Jefferson,

I didn't come into the house and definitely didn't fold your towels! I left the CD's in the letter box. I will not visit your mum anymore, I will email her but not about emotional stuff. I will not ask after you until I am ready to be truly happy that you are moving on in life. Sam knows that I miss you and he knows that we slept together, I am open with him about everything.

I admit it was unfair sending you all that stuff- I thought I had let go but you are right and i was trying to keep the book open for possibility. I am sorry. I was living from the heart and it was wrong of me to do that. I will not write to you or contact you anymore. I also think you have no right to say I need to be emotionally strong. You have no idea what I go through in the course of a day here at school. And it seems like quite a redneck attitude to expect people to cover up how thay fee. boys don't cry, kick it in the guts trev and all that macho crap.

I immensely love you too jeffy, but for now no attempts at platonic friendship, keeping tabs on you or thinking about what dreams may come. ce cera cera, whatever will be will be.

I am really sorry pat, I messed up.

DATE:17 May 2007 11:20
FROM: Jefferson
TO: Macy

Dear Macy,

Our definitions of emotional strength differ. I think our sentiment is largely the same. By no means would I expect someone to drown their emotion, that in fact is cowardice by my measure. I was suggesting more discipline in regard to your effect on others. You understand this now.
Thank god you didn't fold my towels, that would have been creepy.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

This e-closure was pdf-errific.

12:37 AM, January 11, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This case is probably the most normal one that I've seen so far. How both Jefferson and Macy actually knew each other and really did have a relationship that finally ended. Personalities do differ and the choices we make in life.

5:54 PM, August 03, 2009  

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