CASE # 86: OLIVIA + LUKE
SUBMITTED BY: OLIVIA
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: JUST OVER A YEAR
INFO: Luke - hip, goofy, smart, sweet actor. Me - not hip. not sweet. very intent on being a "good" girlfriend. being a girlfriend is not compatible with other goals in my ambitious life. friends tell us all the time how wonderful we are together - how lovely it is that I can "see something in him".
This is what I wanted to say as I was chatting with you cheerfully last night. But I didn't. But now I am.
I've been wondering if we should break up, because making conversation is always so hard with you, because I always feel like I'm holding back, like I have to be careful with you, because I can't deal with your baggage, and because you don't share my faith.
I'm not... hip enough for you. I'm too high maintenance, and I haven't seen enough movies to fit in your media-saturated life. However, I have no doubt you will find someone who fits because it seems you've always been tangled up in a girl – I don't think you know how to exist on your own. I don't want to find out a year from now that you didn't really like me – that you were acting – because I suspect you're acting.
I date guys about whom other girls say, "I wish I could date him," not, "Why would you date him." And if I can never date a man like that I'd rather be single, be single forever, and be happy.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry if this hurts you, if this breaks your heart again, but I'm finally saying exactly what I think and not censoring, not holding back, not taking more than I give. I hope this time, too, you want what you can't have, because you can't have me anymore and I love you. I don't know why – it's hard and it's bitter but I love you, and I want you to want me and to love me like I love you. I don't want to be "good for you." I just want to be with you.
Okay, I'm going to go away now and curl up and cry for you, sob for you and me; and wish I hadn't said any of this; and wish you would hold me - but don't. Call me when you've grown up. I might still love you then, but I might never trust you.