CASE # 85: JULIA + LINCOLN
SUBMITTED BY: JULIA
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: About 5 Years.(off and on)
INFO: Relationship... about 5 years off and on, we were together for 3 years and then broke up because he moved accross the country. Got back in touch a few years later and i left my whole life in new york to go be with him. We were back together for about 2 years and since have both moved back to new york... and he decided one day that its "not working." For no aparent reason. He needs to "find himself." The week before valentines day. I have attached a picture and the letter i wrote to him so that he knew how i felt and so that i am not thinking about what i WANTED to say for the rest of my life. I told him everything. i put my heart and soul in this letter and he read it and threw it away. i need some response to it, if it's from him or someone else, i need somEthing. This is painful and i feel hurt, rejected, broken and used!! Thank you for this site and thank you for giving me and so many other people a chance to be heard and a chance to have those feelings validated.
Thank you
Julia
Some things that I want to say to you but I can't...
-I am mad at you because we had so many plans, we had a life planned together, we have time, money, emotions and love invested in this relationship and you let it go without even trying to fix it.
-I am mad at you because my heart is broken again and I cant fix it immediately (I like being able to fix things asap and with this I cant... all I can do is wait and time will fix me)
-I am mad at you because I left my family, friends, job and life to move across the country with you and I will never get that time back with them
-I am mad at you because I let you into my heart, my thoughts and my inner most secrets and those are things that I can never take back.
-I am mad at you because you put weed, friends, fun, and everything else before me.
-I am mad at you because I have tried so hard to make you happy, to make us happy and nothing was ever good enough.
-I am mad at you because I trusted you not to hurt me. And now I am all alone to pick up the pieces, and sometimes I feel like I am not strong enough to deal with this on my own.
-I am mad at you because all of my friends have someone and I’m alone, I have to watch them with their partner and it feels like someone is stabbing a knife in my heart every time.
-I am mad at you because my family loved you and by hurting me, you hurt them. They mean more to me than anything because I know that at the end of the day they are the only people in the world they will love me unconditionally (and that is the main word in this sentence “unconditionally”)
-And most of all I am mad at you because I love you and I cannot change that and I SO BADLY want to.
These are just a few things that I want to say to you but don't have the strength to say to your face. I know that this letter sounds selfish but these are things that I need to get off of my chest so that I can begin getting over you and cleaning up the mess that is left behind. I have nothing more to say to you and I can not have my heart broken by you anymore. I cannot have my plans and dreams crushed by you anymore. And I can not be emotionally, physically and mentally ruined anymore. I need to brush myself off and learn that I am ok and I will be ok. Have a good life and I wish you luck in all that you do.
And like the song says "don’t forget to remember me.”
Yours truly,
Julia
11 Comments:
Julia,
Thanks for sharing. When a guy chooses weed over you, he's probably not the one. It's hard to be dumped, especially when you don't know why. But there's nothing you can do. He made his decision. Don't be mad at yourself for loving. It's human. You enjoyed your time together but now it's expired. You'll love again, you'll find someone better and let's face it, you're way better looking than him.
winky huggy kissy face.
Happy V-Day.
Love always,
e-closure
What can I add to that? It sucks hugely to have a long-term relationship, into which you have invested so very much, finally come to an end. On the other hand ... congratulations. You're not pouring all that energy into a failing relationship anymore. Usually, in these situations, people realize that. I imagine you will wake up one morning, a few weeks from now, and say, "Hey, [some shitty thing that he always used to do] hasn't happened in a few weeks, and I feel great about that!"
So you have that to look forward to. Oh, and by the way: you're WAY better looking than he is. I may be old and married, but I ain't blind. I imagine that, when you are ready to have whatever kind of relationship comes next for you, you will not have too much trouble with the attraction part.
FROM JULIA>>>
Thank you EVERYONE for your support, this has made me feel SO MUCH better about this breakup!! You are all awesome and every day this gets easier.
He'll be back, they always come back - just when you are getting over them and on with your life. They can sense it, the day you start feeling happy and confident and you start to truly not care, he'll show up out of the blue.
By then, though, I hope you will not take him back. Do you want to go through this again? He seems immature.
Find yourself a nice life, and remember: hold your head high. Living well is the best revenge.
Julia,
i have recently got out of a long term relationship too...she cheated on me after 8 years...
im mad and sad just like u r...but think of it this way...
u no longer have to waste any of ur energy/love on a relationship/person whose not worthy of it...
in a way its very liberating...
take this time to find and love urself...
Julia,
I have to agree with everyone...you are waaaay better looking then him...not that that is really the point...but as I was suffering from a break up after my fiance of 3 yrs cheated on me...it made me feel a teensy bit better that I was prettier then him!
The worst thing about a break up is when you truly dont know why, when the person you were happy with checks out of the relationship whilst you are going about your business giving it all you've got thinking life is good. It sucks to have the rug pulled from under you, and believe me-he'll come back...at some point-those f**ckers always do. But that's not the point. Like everybody else says...take this time for you, believe me I didn't kow what to do with myself, I had moved continents for this guy was alone, without my family, friends and thought my role is the 'little housewife' how can I spend time on ME I don't even know how to do that...well I learned, and it's great, because I deserve that.
Just stay strong, cry, try new things and most importantly (and cheesy) love yourself.
I wish you all the best, its going to get better I promise.
FROM JULIA>>>
Small update... Lincoln sent me a text message a few days ago accusing me of cheating on him (NOT TRUE AT ALL, i was always with him and if not i was home waiting for him and he KNOWS that, i have never cheated and never would) anyway i left him a voice mail later on that day once i read taht text message and basically said how dare you accuse me of that, it is NOT true etc. and he called me back later on and said something along the lines of "I was just calling to let you know that i went to the jeweler yesterday and picked up something really special for you and had every intention of coming crawling back to you on my hands and knees today begging for you back but now i know this you have lost EVERY CHANCE of EVER getting back together with me" I obviously began crying and asking why he was doing this to me and why he would say that to me when he knows i have been waiting for him to com back to me, i told him many times that i would never cheat and never did he said that i am a lying bitch and he will never trust a thing i say again. << so that is the update on the julia/lincoln saga... im not sure if it was the truth that he would going to ask for me back but then changed his mind or if he was just saying that to hurt me. its so hard, all i want to do is call him, this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.
he's fucking with you. he wants to know you'll be around, waiting for him like a little puppy whenever his latest girlfriend dumps him. if he wanted to be with you, he would be. but he doesn't want you back, he just doesn't want you to be with anyone else. that's unfair and something you should start becoming conscious of, it'll help.
because let's face it, if he was going to crawl back he'd be on your doorstep instead of texting you blind accusations. remember the value of actions over words. he just wants to make sure he has emotional control over you... and he does.
one day you'll see he's not the one and when he calls to say he was waiting at the eiffel tower and was going to send you a plane ticket but then remembered you combed your hair wrong once, so he didn't - it won't bother you as much because you'll be out from under it and the smell of bullshit will physically make you sick.
he'll keep calling and coming around and hopefully once you see he's all talk, it'll get easier.
it's hard. it takes time and you have to want to get over it, then one day, it'll happen.
you can't make someone want to be with you and you shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
it will get better. thanks for the update.
love always,
e-closure
I checked back on this site hoping one day you would update us. I posted an above comment that he would be back, and guess what; he is.
So a month later he calls out of the blue accusing you...you! of cheating? I'm going to break this down for you:
1. He knows you didnt cheat.He likely has slept with someone else this past month, and feels guilty. It didnt work out, and he knows you will eventually find out. So now he is accusing you of doing the same, it will be his excuse as to why he slept with someone else. Because you did it, too, afterall.
( bull**it)
2. He is so immature, I want to strangle him. Is this really the man you want to spend your time pining over? Does he really have qualities worth your suffering?
3. He is a liar. He never went to the jewelry store. He wanted to see your reaction, to see if he still has you, and when you started crying he realizes "yes, she does still love me, and is waiting for me."
Congratulations, based on your emotional reaction he is in no rush to get back together with you. Why should he be? You'll be there waiting for him, putting your life on hold, until whenever he is done playing games.
4. It is over. You had what you had, but it will never be the same.You're too good for him, and attractive, and as time goes on you must be seeing him alot clearer.
5. Please, for $15 go buy a very easy book to read by Sherry Argov called "why men love bitches". You will see you are doing everything wrong. You are doing the exact opposite of what you should be if you want any respect from anyone.
6. Hon, I am a 37 yr old woman who has been in your shoes too often. So I see it in hindsite. Please let go of this guy. Read the book, get stronger, change your phone number, and dont answer him anymore. You owe him NOTHING!!!You are wasting your best years on a man not worthy of you. Someday you will realize this.
He is a dead end road, turn around and run the other way, and dont look back. In the end, he lost you.
Your life will be better without him. You won.
Please post soon. Good Luck
Christine
Hon, he didn't leave you "for no apparent reason" or "to find himself." He left you for someone else.
I wasted 7 miserable, on again/off again years on my "Lincoln." When I think of all the things I could have done in that time that made me HAPPY... ugh. Instead, I spent 7 years trying to convince myself that THIS TIME he was being honest. The Lincolns never are.
The "jewelry store" ruse was to make you the bad guy. Somewhere, deep down, he has a kernel of conscience, and he knew he deceived you. By creating a situation in which you're at fault for the breakup, he's off the hook.
I've had more than my fair share of Lincolns, and they will continue to hurt you as long as you let them. Don't let them.
From Julia!!!!!!!!
Im back all and have wonderful news... IM GAY!!! LOL not long after i posted this did i sit and think about why things didnt work, why i was trying SO HARD and SO WORRIED about "lincoln". Because lincoln was comfortable and what i knew. I always wondered why i didnt enjoy sex... maybe i just wasn't a sexual person... then i met someone who shall remain nameless... and realized its because i was not into men. I am currently in a relationship with Anna and she is AMAZING, everything i have ever wanted and more... i couldnt ask for a better partner. My family loves her, my friends love her... life is good. And just found out the other day, turns out lincoln lives right down the road with his new pot smoking girlfriend...
What goes around comes around!! Thank you all!!!!!!
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