CASE # 42: JESSE + CELINE

SUBMITTED BY: Jesse
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 2 years together then 1.5+ years of grey area.
INFO: I can't do this relationship justice in few words so here are the Coles Notes.

I know realistically you can't really love someone the first time you see them, but a part of me did with her, we got together and then all of me did. Those first 3 days, those first 3 weeks, the whole relationship was completely surreal and we both gave everything we had. We sacrificed, we tried, we expressed, we made it work.

We opened up to each other, something I'd never done to such a degree with anyone and neither had she. She felt like the home I'd lost long ago. It was intimate, it was passionate and yeah, it was like the movies.

It's hard when things go. I know that's not a revelation, but the greatest feeling I've ever had was when I was with her and the worst feeling I've ever had was when she left. It's still hard to come to terms with.

But despite all that, it's not the us we became that I miss. It's the us that we were, when the times were good, when we were open and honest with each other, when nothing could've stopped us, before we gave up on it. I know everyone wants to go back to the start but it can't happen and like Feist says kids "The saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending, so much as the start".

So what went wrong? I'm still unsure of the exact moment. Some say it was the cancer, some say it was the sex. Some say we fucked it up beyond the point where you can go back. She ended up leaving because she needed to deal with things herself. I respected that and like an idiot, I let her walk away. We kept fucking with each others heads for a year and a half after that. We tried to work it out again and that didn't work. Then by the time she was ready to give us another chance, something in me had died.

What you're about to read started on Christmas eve, when she called me. I was seeing someone else and had many walls up and I was trying to let go. We'd been 'broken up' for over a year and were both looking for other things but still had each other by the balls.

You cynics might find this a bit over dramatic. But I used to be a cynic about the whole thing too. Then I had it and lost it and half of these words are mine and I mean them all.

She told me I could post these letters. Whether she really meant it, I'll find out in a few hours. So here they are. Sit back, relax and refill your coffee, we're a little long winded and a little insane, there I said it, so you don't have to.

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DATE: December 25th, 2005
FROM: Celine
TO: Jesse
SUBJECT: merry merry christmas to you

you hung up on christmas.

I love you Jesse. I am so in love with you. Maybe im weak because it's the holidays but fuck i love you. I am so in love with you and i cant stop it. I know i already put you though this but cant we try to work this out?

you are my one true love. You are my fate. You are my destiny. You are my everything. I need you. I WANT you ... I love you. You need to know.

I dont fucking care that there is somebody else. Fuck her. She will never love you like i do. I know you, I know all of you, at least i hope i do. You need to know how devestated i am. You are my world and i have lost my world because of everything i myself have done. I will take responsibility for it.

IM SORRY JESSE. IM SO SORRY JESSE I love you.

Merry fucking christmas.

Love
Celine

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DATE: December 25th, 2005
FROM: Jesse
TO: Celine
SUBJECT: merry f'in xmas

Celine,
don't be so hard on yourself. Merry f'in christmas. we'll talk soon ok? I didn't hang up on you. say hi to your rents and bro and all that shit. alright.
love
Jesse

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DATE: December 26th, 2005
FROM: Celine
TO: Jesse
SUBJECT: dear my love

Jesse,

Thank you for the lovely email. It really lifted my spirits. Im sorry about the email the other night. I should have never written any of that. I promise you from now on I will leave you alone as it seems that that is what would be better for you. And me too. You will no longer have to struggle to say the words 'I miss you' or no longer have to be silent when I tell you I love you.

You wont have to wonder if hanging up on me when I am sobbing on christmas is a good idea or not. It was a good idea. And you will no longer have to hide or protest the fact that you dont love me anymore. I got it. Its resonated and im glad I can finally let go of you. Im glad that you finally made me realize that the love is gone and you have moved on.

The hopes that were lingering were put out and thats good. I dont know why you are so angry with me but all I can say is that im sorry for hurting you and Im sorry for anything I have ever done to you. I wont say sorry again. This is the last time.

I wish you would have been honest with me when you were telling me that you were still in love with me that night I walked away. That you still had hope for us at somepoint. I think we both know that you were saying that to make things easier. I just wish you could have been up front with me.

I know that I did some terrible things to you and that I cant reverse them. I know why you have moved on from us and I dont blame you for that. But this is it Jesse. I know I have said this a million times before but this is truly for real. I cant have you in my life anymore. As much as I need you I dont want you to have to put up with my shit.

I am NOT trying to make you feel sorry for me im telling you the truth. I know I come with a lot of baggage and you have dealt with it long enough. I dont want you to feel like you have to talk to me because I am not in a good spot in my life. I want to talk to someone who wants to talk to me and wants to help me deal with things. I think I deserve that and I think you deserve that to.

I am putting you in postitions that are unfair to you and that's not right. I shouldnt tell you I love you, because it's not fair to you and its not fair to me to not hear it back.

I know that you did love me with everything you had. I know you were true to me and I know that we had an amazing almost surreal relationship. And I know that I fucked that up. I only hope you know how much I loved you and how grateful I am to have had you. I wish I could change things but thats life I guess.

I have so much respect for you and love for you and thank you for everything you have done for me. I truly hope that you are happy and that fate brings you beautiful things in your life.

I have never been good at saying goodbye to you and I dont really know how to do it. If there is ever a major problem I will be there. you know that. god.... I dont know how to do this right.

All I can say is that I love you and you will be with me wherever I go.

I will love you always,
Celine

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DATE: December 30th, 2005
FROM: Jesse
TO: Celine
SUBJECT: To my Celine

Celine,

You've tried to walk away from me countless times in the last year. I still cry but I've developed a certain numbness to it. You say you'd walk into the dark for me. But you haven't. All I hear are empty words, invisible action and all I'm doing is watching you die. I could've sacrifice my freedom and come back but I'd still feel like I'm date raping the love of my life.

You single handedly showed me what love was. And you also showed me how it gets taken away. I grew tired of waiting for things to change, cause they won't. People don't change if they don't want to and we're never going to work if we stay the same. So we're right back where we started.

Thinking about our relationship over the past year I feel like I was your safety net. A blanket to cover up the pain and an excuse to not deal with anything. One of the reasons I'm walking away is because I believe it's the only way you'll possibly do anything about it. I've been building towards this for the past year. I've been pushed to it and I've pushed myself. With everything inside of me you know I love you. The other night was the first time (since we last saw each other) that you've said it. I didn't say it back cause I thought you were drunk on Christmas eve and calling your fallback guy cause - he'll tell you he loves you, he's a sucker.

I can't keep giving you the satisfaction when you don't give it to me. And you'll never love yourself unless I'm gone and you'll never realize how great you are, how much you have to offer and how you're better than all these mind games you play with me and with yourself, if I stick around. You're rolling your eyes, calling this bullshit, but think about it and tell me it's not true.

I'm too easy for you. You need someone stronger. I've been taken advantage of and I let it happen to myself. You call, I answer, you want me to come over, I'm there. You need a date, sign me up. But when I wanted you to come over, where were you? When I wanted a little lovin, where were you? I always felt like I was twisting your arm and I hate that feeling. You weren't willing to give anything to this unless it was on your terms and I need more, I deserve more. You used to give it, but that went away a long time ago and I haven't seen it since.

I understand why you left me. And yeah it hurt like a fucker. I did everything you're doing right now, I cried every night, I waited for your call, I hyperventilated, I ralphed, I lost weight, I moped, I wrote, I reread everything you wrote me and wondered if it was all a lie. And I know that it wasn't. I know it was all real. Unbelievably, hauntingly, so fucking terrifically real. It all seemed too good to be true, and maybe it was. But I've forgiven you.

A thick piece of my heart is still corruptly owned by you. I still need to know how you are. But you can't expect me to tell you all my secrets and lies like I used to before, it doesn't work that way. Back then we were virginal, we were fresh, we were new, we were unscarred.

I don't want you out of my life but it seems that's what we both need to move on and I'll accept that. Like I tried to accept your choice to go through your cancer alone. You told me later that that was your cry for help, that you wanted me to chase you. But I didn't have the confidence in us to do that. I didn't have the confidence or self esteem in me to do that. I couldn't play that game. I can't have you tell me that you don't want me, and expect me to chase you like a helpless little dog. I'm too big for that, I'm too naive for that and I want you to have what you want.

Please don't tell me that I don't love you or that I'm not in love with you. You're the only one I've ever truly loved. Am I in love with you? I can't say yes or no. Can you? Honestly I don't think you really can. I think we both get wicked purple boners off this drama and the game keeps a spark around but all I hear are words. If you were really in love with me and I was really in love with you, we wouldn't be here.

I know you say you want me back. But you only ever wanted me back when you knew I wouldn't take you. Even in the summer when we were "friends" and I went to that wedding with you like the little patsy that I am, you said "it's times like these that I wish we were together". Those times happen once a year, maybe. All the other shit you don't want to put up with. If you really want me to chase you then something is very wrong. I'm not good at the game. I'm too simple. I just wanted to love you. And I couldn't do that properly. I pressured you about sex, I nagged you about your health and I had great intentions, but they didn't come out that way and for that I'm truly sorry.

Now it seems I'm painting myself out as the victim, like I always do. But believe it or not I don't think of myself as that for once. I'm not innocent and I know I have no balls. I didn't actually walk away from you. But I'm the one that's not taking it back. It's unfair to both of us and we need to evolve, I need to evolve.

My view on love has changed. With you I wanted it forever, I wanted to marry you, make babies, grow old and hold you as you died in my arms a minute before I did. But that's fantasy. It's a storybook. One person can't give you everything you want for an entire lifetime when you cant even make yourself happy. I put too much into you and us and not enough into me. I can't give one person all my secrets and expect them to take care of them. Because they won't. They will leave.

In my fantasy you and I will be together again. In reality I know I'll secretly pine for the us that only exists in the past. So me hoping that we'd work out wasn't bullshit, but I've learned that I cant predict anything at all and giving us false hope will keep us in this abyss that we've both grown tired of.

I know a lot of this recent 'breakup' has to do with me seeing another girl now, a year and a half after we broke up. Is that a good reason? Yes. Is it fair? No. What chapped my ass was that you thought I waited until you were clear of the canc on that Wednesday before I found a chick, but you went out on a date on Friday. I met this gal on the Sunday. It wasn't out of spite, I couldn't truly do that. It just happened. But don't tell me that I took the first girl as soon as I knew you were ok cause you gave me the go ahead to date as soon as you did it.

We were both looking for something else. But yours didn't work out at all and I get punished. You would still be with that guy if he was decent. But he wasn't and that's not my fault. Am I getting married? No. Is this girl you? No. Is it a fairy tale? No. It's nothing like us. But I don't think many relationships are. We were unhealthily fantastic in our own world. And this new thing is what it is, it's new, it's different and I have no expectations, I'm just looking to grow, to see what's out there. I'm not abandoning you like I abandoned my last relationship. I really want to be here for you. I care about you fuckin immensely and I'm not going to let you go but I deserve to be treated fairly.

I know you say you want someone that wants to help you deal with your problems. I do and I tried. I'm not a therapist, and you need more than I can give you. What I could give you, you didn't want to listen to anyways, it was so frustrating to know that what I told you to do years ago, you only listened to a month ago. I waited for a year and a half before I tried to move on. I didn't want to hurt you or disrespect you, but you and I couldn't seem to make it work. We weren't ready to sacrifice anything for each other and maybe we never will be.

You say that I'll be with you everywhere you go, you used to say that in reference to the baby picture of me in your wallet. But you don't have that anymore. You gave that back. I really wish you hadn't, but wishing isn't going to change anything. I'm not closing the door on you, I'm closing the chapter. I don't want to abandon you, but I don't know how to make this transition.

So I have no idea how to conclude but I'm gonna try, I'm gonna say it like I won't talk to you again, but I really hope that's not true.

Thank you Celine, for the greatest time of my life, you made all the beautiful cliched lines about love come alive and I'm thankful for all of them. You're the one that knows me the most, the only one I've genuinely opened up to and the only one I've ever been in love with. You changed my life and yeah I'm a pessimist fuck, but I'm taking all the good you gave me as well. I think you're fucking amazing and beautiful and I really hope this isn't the last we talk. You made my life. Thank you.

"Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living after we die"

If 'always' exists, I'll always love you,

Jesse

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DATE: December 30th, 2005
FROM: Celine
TO: Jesse
SUBJECT: For my Jesse

Jesse,

If you get a goodbye letter that good than I am going to try again because there are some things you need to know. Most you probably already know but I need to say some of them one last time.

You have never been nor ever will be my fall back guy. I need you to know that when I ran, I ran to you not because you were there but because I trusted you, I felt safe with you and I have never known anyone who could give me so much comfort when I needed it. I ran to you because when I knew I couldnt face things alone the only person I wanted to face them with was you. I am so truly sorry if I ever made you feel like a fall back guy. Had I known you felt that way I would have done something about it.

I wont regret running to you because its something that I cherish about us. That I always had you whom I trusted and felt completely myself around and whom I loved and respected with all of my heart. You always seemed to have the answers... you always seemed to have figured me out and I needed someone to set me straight. I wont be running to you anymore but please know its not because I dont want to.

I realize the problems in our relationship and I acknowledge them. I know why it didnt work and I am so sorry for not giving it my all. I should have sought more counselling when we were first having "sex" problems. This I will take responsibility for. Please dont regret being there for me. Because I regret not being there for you. But at the time I wasnt strong enough to see you and to deal with anything. I was running like a mad child away from anything that resembled reality because it was all so fucked up and what do I do when i cant handle something? I run away from it.

I wish I could turn it back and be there for you when you wanted to see me, or be there to talk you through the rough times. Hell I wish I could turn back time so you wouldnt have had those rough times. But the fact is, I cant turn it back. But I can be sorry for it, and I am.

As for the wedding... I didnt only wish that once a year. I wished it all the time but you're right when you say that neither of us was ready to do anything about it. I had hurt you too much and I couldnt realize that it was my fault. But I still do wish that we could be together like that. And please dont regret coming to that wedding. If you didnt want to go you could have said no. But of course you didnt. Because you were never one to say no to me. I didnt want to take advantage of you Jesse. But everybody does things they dont want to without realizing it.

I dont want you to go through life not believing in fairytales. Yes our love was a fairytale and almost a fantasy. It was surreal and beautiful and unbelievable. Too unbelievable for either of us to comprehend. Was I too young to handle it? Maybe were you to fresh and inexperienced to handle it? Maybe. But we loved and cherished every minute of it. I will never look back on that with regret. I can only hope that maybe some day fate will intervene and we will find each other again. I have come to realize that we both had our faults in the relationship. All I can do is deal with mine and hope you do the same.

Jesse I have loved you since the minute I saw you. I have loved you with every part of my being. I have loved you harder and deeper than I think I knew was possible. You were amazing to me. You treated me with so much respect and so much love that I still cant comprehend how you did that.

I thank you Jesse. For giving me that love. You opened me up and you read inside. I opened you up and I got inside of you and I loved being there. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont stop opening yourself up. Not everyone will leave.

I just fucked up and didnt know how much I was destroying you in the process. Dont let me destroy you and your hope. You are a hopeless romantic at heart. And thats whats beautiful about you. Your belief in fate and your belief in love is what made me believe. Dont take that away from you. Dont take that away from me.

I am taking you with me everywhere I go with our without the picture. You are inside of me forever. You are in everything I do. I think about you every second and I wish so much good for you. You deserve better than what we have become. You deserve someone who will give it there all. I did that, but i did stop, you're right. I dont know why and I dont know how, but I stopped.

Maybe I stopped believing in me, maybe I stopped believing in fantasy but something happened inside of me that summer that I cant explain it. I can only say I am sorry.

I didn't do the cancer alone. You were with me through every appointment, through every surgery, through every treatment. Even if you didnt know it. I would talk to you about them when you werent there like the crazy bitch that I am. I still talk to you Jesse. I hope your heart is listening.

Again I also dont know how to close this. Jesse... oh love... you gave me a life that I cant erase with other memories. I will never stop loving you in that complete innocent way that I loved you at the start. I will never stop thinking of you. I will never give up on you. But like you, I am closing the chapter for fear that if I dont, our love story will burn in the ashes of resentment. Keep it alive in your heart Jesse. Thats the last thing I will ask of you.

Oh and one more thing. Meet me at the end of that beautiful bed we made our history in. I will be waiting there for you for eternity.

"And maybe soon there'll come a day
When no more tears will fall
We each forgive a little bit
And we both look back on it
As just bad timing that's all"

I will love you until the end of time,

Celine


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DATE: December 30, 2005
FROM: Jesse
TO: Celine
SUBJECT: Maybe we would've hated each other. What, like we hate each other now?

Celine,

Goddamnit that was good. I want to talk to you but I won't. I'll log onto msn and change my name to something that you know reflects how I feel about you and this moment. That's how childish I am and that's as far as I will go. I want to call you, I want to come over and close this with a look, with a feel, with eye contact, with tears, but it's been overdone. And that doesn't happen these days. This is how it happens.

Regret is a wasted emotion. You know I don't believe in it and you know I don't regret a single thing that happened between us and neither should you. What we had was priceless, incredible and I loved you with everything I had and I know you did the same.

It's terrifyingly sad that I won't get to know how you are. That someone else will help you with your problems, that I won't be the first phone call. I truly wish I was, but I know that that would just keep us where we are and I know we need change but it just boggles my little mind.

I know you'll deal with everything, you're so strong now, I'm so proud of you and I really want that for you. You deserve it and I was holding you back from it. We gave each other what we were supposed to thus far. I will be improving on my faults and growing as much as I can. I learned a lifetime of wisdom from us that I still haven't processed and it had to end for it to be realized.

I sometimes wish I hated you, or that you were truly horrible to me just to make it easier. But I dont, and you weren't. You were fabulous, but we grew in different directions and no longer offered each other what we needed.

I'd like to believe that everyone won't leave, but they will. It's a certainty. Like death, taxes, love, and the fact that i'll always get shrinkage when it's cold.

Please stop apologizing and please stop blaming yourself. One person is never to blame for a relationship starting or failing. It's always two.

Your words always pierced right through my black soul. And I love that. I love you for that. Thank you for showing me everything. For opening me up, for giving me hope and life and love and showing me that it actually does exist. I'm grateful for it. I won't give up on fairytales if you don't. But it's hard to imagine that we'll get something this good twice in our lifetime. Most people don't even get it once. We were the lucky ones.

It may seem harder to go on knowing that I had it and lost it and might never feel it again, but i'm not going to look at it like that.If I was a religious man, i'd say I was blessed. But I'm not, so i'll just say I scored.

I know you won't call but I'll be here for you. Thank you for keeping me with you. I know it's true, just like I know you'll be in me through all the shit to come, you crazy crazy, beautiful bitch.

A bientot my dark angel. I'm sorry I couldn't back you up.

I'll adore you until I'm dead. And after that my dusty corpse will probably still think fondly of you.

Thank you.

"I guess it's less painful to put things away than it is to live with them."

Love in every form,

Jesse