CASE # 32: REBA + JULIAN

SUBMITTED BY: REBA
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 1 year 2 weeks
INFO: we were roommates for a year and a half-we secretly began making out three months before he moved out (to take a job three hours away). We began dating six months later-we would take turns visiting every weekend. Who ended it? Who the hell knows ( I think he did, he thinks I did)

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Letter Exchange #1: May 25, 2005-I had just graduated from college and we had been saying that as soon as I graduated and knew where I was going to be moving, he would follow. This email was in response to the fact that if we were to move to the same city he did not want to live together.

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DATE: Wednesday, May 25, 2005 10:22 PM
FROM: REBA
TO: JULIAN
SUBJECT: okay

So...

Since you avoid conversation at all costs, and because I'm too chicken shit to ruin our weekend and get my feelings hurt...here goes...

You tell me I can't make a decision. Okay.

You tell me you want to live in New York or PHilly or DC, but you don't actively look for a job...so I find one. I find one where I want to live (kindof) in a place I know that is a compromise for both of us.

Just...PLEASE...let me know if I should stop trying to make this work. HONESTLY. I promise...I won't freak out. But, your actions are not doing much talking at this point and YOU aren't doing much talking at this point, and I adore you and cherish our time together...but I can't keep doing this for much longer. I want something real and normal and I want more freedom than our weekends allow.

We have worked really hard at staying together. I want to work hard (or not work at all) at other, NORMAL things. I just need you to let me know if I am fooling myself.... so....

I've made my decision...I'm clear...let me know where you stand. Your wishy washyness is not going to fly much longer.

I love you. You make my life very difficult...but so much better...

-Reba

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DATE: Thu, 26 May 2005
FROM: JULIAN
TO: REBA
SUBJECT: RE: okay

I'm looking in LA. I want to move back. We'll move back east later

I don't like doing the long distance either. I pick LA.

-Julian

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Exchange #2 - This is two weeks later-We had had a great weekend and over breakfast I told him that I was going to move where I wanted and he could come or not. He said he was not going to go. He could not pack up and start fresh. We decided to stay together until I moved and see where it went from there-continuing to do the long distance (but changing it from three hour drive to six hour drive). As he was leaving I told him I didn’t think it would work to wait until I moved and I said I wanted it to be over. He suggested that I was just being over emotional, he kissed me, said he would see me next weekend, and left. He never called again.

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DATE: Wednesday, June 08, 2005 11:30 AM
FROM: REBA
TO: JULIAN
SUBJECT: hi

I'm going to miss you.

I don't really miss you yet, it's not the weekend, but I do miss the idea of the weekend.

I wonder how in the last few months it did fizzle (to use your words).

I think back to Valentines day, our talk (you think fight) on the beach (which I needed very much), dancing with you at Amon Tobin, our St.Patty's day in the park...even last weekend, when you were so sick, but I kind of thought that was a stepping stone too.

I have a fabulous imagination, so maybe I imagined those nights in your bed, or my bed, when you would look at me like that. No one had ever looked at me like that before. Or I imagined us getting a little closer...

I wonder if it was my stress, or your lack of commitment, or the mixed messages I kept receiving that made me feel the need to pick at every little thing, or just be nasty. I don't know... maybe things fizzled, maybe I, unintentionally, was trying to end things, or maybe I was just being a bitch.

Granted, you would rarely open yourself up to me. You say you are very simple, but I know there is more, maybe just more for the right person to understand without having to say anything, or hear you tell stories...or maybe for some reason you just didn't want to share with me.

Thinking over these last few days I realize that though you could anticipate my actions and read my facial expressions, and knew what would make me happy or sad, you never did know the core of me...I don't know why. I think 50% of it was because I was worried you'd judge me or I was just insecure, the other part was that you never asked...or something else, I'm not sure.

I really, really, want to be your friend. I want for things to be normal again, not that they were ever really normal, what with me pining over you for at least six months before you moved...but I think I can do it.

But, I need you to know (and this may seem arrogant of me) but that if we do hang out, there can be no secret kissing, or 'just this one time', or any of that. I need to get over you, and even if we talk about it, I promise, that it will hurt me more if we do kiss in the future. And, (though this may seem self-important), can you let me know if you are bringing someone (that new thing you wanted to try) to a party or event, and I might be there?

Just so I can be prepared...at least for the near future?

Okay, now I miss you, and now I'm sad. And, it's not even the weekend yet.

I'm leaving it up to you to tell people (though it appears you have a head start on that one), I'm going to make myself scarce for a while, and then everything will be back to how it was.

Thanks,

Reba

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DATE: Thursday, June 09, 2005 1:38 PM
FROM: JULIAN
TO: REBA
SUBJECT: RE: hi

I'm going to miss you too. Actually I already do, your note was very cute. I think my view is that I was not ready to take the next step of the relationship and move with you to SF. And when things aren't moving forward, they've stopped. I think I want to take a break from our long distance relationship for a bit. The traveling is wearing. I'm looking for work in LA still, but the process has been slow. I'm having trouble finding companies that match what I want to do. But hopefully soon I'll be back in LA and, who knows, maybe we can get back together then. I too seriously hope we can remain close and friendly.

See you soon,

Julian

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Side note: He has since (six months later) moved to where I live. We have seen each other twice, made out once, and he has zero interest in getting back together. Bah humbug.