CASE # 83: SANDY + DANNY (updated)

SUBMITTED BY: SANDY
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 20 YEARS.
INFO: Married 20 years - dumped for 26 yr old co worker...Go figure...

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DATE: November 30, 2006
FROM: SANDY
TO: DANNY

Dear Danny,

It has been a difficult 11 months but I have finally recognized things for what they are. I have tried to understand a lot of the things you have told me this last year but many of those things were untrue. You told me you didn't think our marriage has been alright for the 7 past years, you told me you didn’t love her before you left yet that it just "happened" but had a translation book in your brief case with notes on how to say it in her language before you ever moved out. You told me you were paying extra on some bills so our bank balance would be lower when in fact you cancelled your direct deposit and started your own account and when I questioned you on it you had already removed $1,000.00 from savings and claimed you told me about it which was also untrue. This whole thing was about you getting together and "saving" her with total disregard for your child and responsibilities.

Your "friend" Jessica & company made you think it was ok. How would Jessica feel if she were me? If her husband did what you did to us or had a "friend" helping her husband leave his marriage – how would she feel I wonder? You claimed you would always "be there for us" but would only answer your phone when it suited you – moved an hour and a half away.......what kind of message did that send to Rianne when she called you and you wouldn't answer. I get you leaving me but when you go from being a 24/7 Dad to a 1 hr shopping spree to free you from your guilt on a Saturday it sends a strong message to your daughter that you....
1. Don't have time for her and
2. Other people matter more.

You told Rianne the Tuesday before you moved to Randy's that you were stopping by before going to pick things up from your apartment but showed up in dress clothes and cologne and the first thing she said to me after you left was "Dad must have a date." She is smarter than you give her credit for and she knows she is not the first and foremost in your decisions.

When you told me "I don't wake up thinking of her (girlfriend) or you – I think of how much I want to leave here..." It truly showed me what a selfish, self absorbed individual you are. Being a parent means putting your child's needs ahead of your own – since all this started – your needs have come first. You have made that very clear. Any love that I had for you is erased by such actions. You have done more damage than you will ever know by your actions alone. As I have said – I am a grown up – you can leave me but I will NEVER forgive what you did to Rianne. You claim not to have an ego – BULLSHIT!! You are the most egotistical man I have EVER met. You need praise constantly and have surrounded yourself around people who will tell you how sorry I am and how wonderful you are – how convenient for you.

I would love to run away from my responsibilities and start over but I don't get that option. Someone has to see Rianne through and that's why I can wait on my "freedom". Noticed your family has dropped all contact with her – not surprised at all but makes me less than enthusiastic about her going back there to spend any time with them when you don’t spend time with her. Speaking of daughters, while your in denial about your mid-life crisis – your dating someone about Tracy's age and I still will not discuss that with Rianne. Will respect your privacy on that but does reveal a pattern of you leaving those you supposedly cared about. But - you have made your decisions and I have made mine. While I will be civil to you, I have lost all love and respect for you as I could have NEVER done to you what you so freely did to me, us, without remorse.

Your writings "Of Laughter and Love" – and other things I am returning to you as I now see them as nothing but lies.

10/4/06 Discussed my meeting with a lawyer with you today & agreed on the cost. All I got from you was that if you didn’t get your $3,500.00 out of my 401K there "would be a problem." You just wanted to "start over fresh" – so when do I get to do that? When do I get to put myself above all others and start over? How nice for you – dump & run I believe it's called?!? About going home for Thanksgiving – did you even give 2 seconds thought that your daughter may want to see you & was upset about how the holidays would play out..couldn't come home one day early just to see her for a lil while....guess not since you already told her you were going and offered no visitation during her time off. That's nice.........just shows again how much you care?! Think it is another case of you running home to get your ego stroked while Rianne & I go it alone but did make it nice for her because she deserves SO much better! Didn't want you calling her while you were gone because didn't want her to dwell on it – not fair to her and she deserved a better one than last year.

10/14/06 Had a conversation with you that night – you stated you didn't care about my birthday because you thought we were thru at thanksgiving of last year. Then why did you state you would be home to make me my b day dinner and apologized because you had to go to airsport to "work"? Knew we were over when you came in hours late – looked at me and obviously didn't care about how I felt & even said you weren't going to apologize because what's the point - "Your going to be mad anyway." You died in my heart that day.

11/22/06 The day before Thanksgiving I stood in front of a judge and had to state why our marriage was over by myself and realized it was over for us – as friends – lovers or anything else – I meant nothing to you anymore. Knew you were happily making plans to bring your new girlfriend home for the holidays so accepted it and truthfully felt a bit relieved. I expect the same treatment for Rianne at Christmas from you so if your planning another road trip – feel free – no longer expect you to be there for her in any way shape or form – you have shown me that you won't be by your actions alone. Ironically my b day is here again this weekend – or right after –have no desire to see you this weekend - after last year – won't let you upset me anymore – not worth it. So take your display case as it is the last thing in my house that is yours and go do whatever you wish – I no longer care. Any contact we have from now on will be strictly business. Right now I need to work on my future......without you.

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** UPDATE FROM MAY, 2008

He had to go on a biz trip about 2 weeks ago. Got home early and found a new guy in "their" apartment....ah....sans clothing. Guess that didn't go over so well with her being his new "soul mate" & all. Wouldn't even know this after no contact with him but he called me up - crying - and upset because he has been paying all her bills, housing & feeding her - taking her to rock concerts (at the age of 48 - find that a lil creepy) and she cheated on him. Well, if you read my original post you would know how funny that was to me but hey, was nice about it & told him I was sorry for his loss. My girl who is only 10 yrs younger than the GF said - who didn't see that one comin"?!? . During these past 2 yrs my gym rat status has become an obsession. Met a fellow one who has since asked me to marry him & he (the ex) knows I am engaged but was the 1st person he called after this "revelation". Apparently she had been using his computer to talk to this other dude and has been sleeping around behind his back for 3 months. Told him she didn't love him anymore and was moving to Dallas to be with the new BF. So I get this long apology, stating he lost everything ( which he has - including the respect of his child) and have no idea what to say. I should be LMAO but in truth - feel sorry for him. Left us for this girl and she rode him hard & hung him up to dry saddled with incredible credit card debt. But I still do feel bad cuz starting over...again at that age?? I'm younger than him but this girl was MUCH younger - no job skills & looking for a free ride - till the next better one comes along. If nothing else - hope it reminds your following - grass ain't always greener - no matter how hot it may look in the beginning. My girl & I are happy now, got a great guy & the future looks so bright - guess that's why I feel bad for him - Going to be a long haul. Hope if anything good comes of this is that if 1 SO thinks before he/she leaps. Thanks for the forum guys - it's been a real eye opener for me! Wish you all the success you deserve & will keep reading it! Best wishes!!!