CASE # 38: PAM + TOMMY

SUBMITTED BY: PAM
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 4 1/2 years plus some
DUMPER: Pam (technically) Tommy (for real)
INFO: Met in college at 19, had a carefree/passionate relationship for 2 years. Pam had an indiscretion w/ex (Bob), which was later put on police record as forced sexual contact. Couple lived together for 1 year. Tommy had an indiscretion while she was studying abroad. Pam broke up with Tommy after she graduated from college b/c she thought the relationship was unsavable. Pam truly loved Tommy. Tommy accepted the break up at no contest as expected. They continued to see each other for 6 months.

Tommy eventually lied to Pam on the premise that he needed time to think while he was really fucking a married woman with two kids and a husband in jail. Pam didn't find out till 4 months later why Tommy really left and almost died from grief.

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FROM: TOMMY
TO: PAM

Pam,

Im sorry i have gone so long without contacting you, but it has been good for me to put things into perspective. I appreciate the e-mail. I also realize that the entire situation with Bob was the beginning and trigger of our down fall. I am 100% sure that I was in love with you. But now things have changed. I will never, ever say that I regret any part of our relationship. You were an amazing thing that happened to me. You are an amazing person - I mean that! And I've learned a lot and grown a lot from our relationship. IT WAS the right thing at the right time for me.

I KNOW NOW that you never cheated on me, and I'm really sorry for cheating on you as a way to retaliate. It was a huge mistake and will be a giant bruise on my character for the rest of my life.

However, whether or not you did cheat on me now has little impact on the way i feel. I had other reasons to lose my trust in you which came from the entire incident as a whole. I know that i have been very selfish and done some fucked up things to you, which you mentioned once again in your email. I feel, though, that you have done some dishonest things to me and i have realized recently why the two of us are not meant to be together. You have been dishonest and slightly manipulative in the last couple years. You played too many games with me and have not been up front about your feelings. Too many times you would disguise your true feelings of hurt into anger towards me. Too many times you would blame me for all of OUR problems. Too many times you would try to make me feel guilty and make me feel like the only one in the wrong in our relationship. You have not been up front with me about certain issues in a long time. I think you need to mature in that sense, because I have been up front with you.

None of this should matter, though, as much as it once did because i know now that our relationship is over.

Also, I REALL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT the good has outweighed the bad. I am a better man for loving you and i would never take back a single moment of it. You have taught me a lot about life, love, and relationships and you have been a best friend, a great lover, a giving person, and A LOT OF FUN.

I will respect your decision if you don't want to be friends, but i would hate to lose contact with you. As far as proving, loving, and communicating (the things which i need to do to keep contact) you know that i am not looking for forgiveness and you cant expect these things from me. What's done is done, lets put it behind us and move on. I would hate to have you leave my life completely, but i am 100% DONE rehashing old wounds. I want you to be my friend, and i am willing to be their for you any time you need a good friend. If you want this now, or anytime in the future, let me know and i will always be there for you - i promise!

PS-i don't like the line about you wanting someone who gives back and makes you the better person you used to be. I DID GIVE BACK, and i don't appreciate being labeled as someone who only took!

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[one month after this email was sent Pam's good friend was jumped and killed from massive head injuies, her aunt died from terminal cancer in the same week. Tommy was not there for her as promise.]

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FROM: PAM
TO: TOMMY

Tommy,

I made a list of 100 reasons why I am so glad I dumped you.

1. you are lazy
2. you stood me up at an abortion clinic
3. you solicit sex online
4. you stood me up at the airport when my grandpa died
5. you cheated
6. you took money out of my bank account w/o thinking that I work 2 jobs, pay my own rent and save for school
7. you thought I was your maid
8. 4 years No orgasms.
9. 4 years less than 4 flowers
10. you forgot my birthday 3 out of the 4 years.
11. you tried to dump me on my birthday.
12. you smoke

None of the items on this list matter because I took you back after every single incident. If you think I only blame you for out problems, I am sorry. I loved you, I was willing to fight, to be patient, to give you time to do what ever you wanted.

I do blame myself, because I was immature, because I didn't always know how to handle my anger. It doesn't really matter anymore. You are a thousand miles away and not one word I say will bring you back in the way that I want you.

The person I loved doesn't exist anymore.

Pam