CASE # 72: PIRATE! vs. NINJA!

SUBMITTED BY: Ninja (female-27 yrs old)
WHO ENDED IT: Pirate (male-26 years old) Twice.
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: A little under a year all together, approximately 3 months of actual dating.

INFO:A little history. This whole scenario is between a couple who are part of a circle of twenty-something professionals, all who party A LOT. Almost every night kind of a lot. Keep that in mind. We spoke on line, just pals, met up one night. Ended up hitting it off. Never actually dating, mostly just hanging out and drunken hook ups. About six months into that, we start dating. Things are really good, we have a lot in common, we're now best friends, too. I say I'm in love with him. He says he loves me. I love him too. Problem is, Pirate ignores me. He's always center stage, leaving me feeling like I'm in shadow. Gets frustrated when he feels ignored. And there is a pretty large economical gap between us. I'm far better off, and resentful of having to pay most times when we go out, especially when my turn to pay seems to turn up at martini lounges and sushi dinners and his turn is at $5 drown night and our local greasy spoon diner. I have a rent house, he lives with his dad. Plus, I'm still grieving the suicide of my mother and a close friend, and tend to, about once a month, fall into a drunken, weeping display of anger and despair. Sometimes, in the beginning, Pirate stuck it out, scooped me up, held me when I cried. Then it got to the point when he'd storm out, breaking my gate on the way so I would know how pissed he was.

We carry on about a month and a half, Pirate dumps me days before my birthday. I go out with a group of pals for said birthday, and end up taking my friend Army Pal home. One time deal. Pirate show up on my birthday, claiming to return belongings, and brings my birthday and Christmas gifts. We talk and talk, end up ordering dinner, then go our separate ways. Keep in touch, start hanging out again, I confess my Army Pal hook up, then two weeks later we officially get back together. About another two weeks in, Army Pal is flying back into town. I had promised when we'd hooked up that I would pick him up from the airport, he could stay in my spare room, and I'd drive him to pick up his stuff in the morning so he could move West that day. We're still friends, after all. I tell Pirate the plan, and ask he stay over, so he doesn't have to worry if anything happened. He insists I tell Army Pal to call a cab and get a hotel, that if I let him stay over, then we're over.

I calm him down after much effort, get Army pal, explain that situation, and ensure the two men never see each other. Another problem. Pirate HATE HATE HATES my co-worker and guy friend P, because P makes him feel insecure because P is attractive, outgoing, and steals Pirate's thunder. Also, Pirate thinks if I asked, P would sleep with me, which he would. Pirate doesn't trust P around me even though P knows very certainly that we are only and have only been just friends. The only compromise we can come to is that I will only see P with his girlfriend there too.

A month later, I'm super depressed, still dealing with my mother's death, stress at work, feeling second place in my relationship. Haven't seen Pirate all week, except to bring him and his co-workers pizza when they were stuck at work. Supposed to meet him and his ex-girlfriend for drinks. Show up drunk with my friends to the bar, he doesn't even hug me. Dance with ExGF, call a cab. Before cab can arrive, run into my mother's ex-fiancé and seeing him hits me hard.

Before I start crying right then and there, ask Pirate to take me to my car. Get there, too drunk to drive, I go inside my friend's house and lie down on their couch. He goes home without checking on me or asking what is wrong. Some drunk calls and texts are exchanged, with me basically saying since he can't be there for me, make me any kind of priority, I never want to see him again. I call & apologize the next day.

Then call. Leave sweet message. And call again. Leave sweet message. Pirate ALWAYS answers his phone, even in the bathroom. Send text asking if we are over. He comes over to my house, I think nothing is wrong, we chat for ten minutes, then he say's he can't do it. I'm broken, I need to heal, and he can't be there for me. I cry and plead, and finally tell him to leave. Chuck the necklace he'd given me that I'd never taken off at his head. He calls my two best girl friends and tells them to come check on me. I delete all contact info from my phone, email, and MySpace.

Stuff returning time. Ask him to bring it while I'm out of town. I post the results in this blog:

----------------------------------------------------

Sunday, February 11, 2007
Yeah, I'm an asshole.
Current mood: tired of thinking
Category: Romance and Relationships

Get back from the city, walk in and there it is. My stuff. That my ex returned.
Sitting on my kitchen counter. I forgot to lock my door.
I am livid mad. I am Jack's twisted bilious fury. We're not friends. I'm friends with his friends, we have mutual friends and our friends are friends, but we're not friends. I am PISSED and I feel violated. What could have possible made him think it was OK to come into my house, without my permission and when I'm not there? I call the number I want so badly to forget and had long ago deleted from my phone.
"Help me understand why you thought it was OK to come into my house?"
"I just...well...I'm sorry."
"We're not friends. That is so fucking rude and it makes me feel violated. This is my house."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't ever fucking do that again."
Click.

Then I jab the phone a couple more times, for good measure. Shit.
Getting ready for the fundraiser party downtown , I know what's going to happen. This is going to continue to bug me. And there's going to be alcohol involved. I'm hoping I can pull some class out of my ass and behave myself.

Packed house, fantastic burlesque show, great music, and even better, my wonderful friends. The Jell-O shots were flowing, we all get some bitching out of our system, dance, drink and be merry. The GCRG have got to be the coolest group 'o gals I've met in some time. I sign K and I up too (Now if I can just get out of bed on Sunday mornings. Egad!) Closing time.

I'm getting that feeling. I can feel a storm of righteous meanness on the horizon. I call in reinforcements. And tell them to bring burritos. But I still have time to kill. Toss myself around my apartment, pick up and drop books, move things pointlessly. I can't let this go. I call. He answers. Venom spews forth. He asked if I only called to be mean to him. Um, yeah, why else would I call? You think I called to tell you about my day or chitty-chat like we used to? You think I need your help? I'm so mad I hang up. Then the evil texting fairy comes along and sprinkles my fingers with magic hatefulness that enable me to send my former beloved well punctuated, grammatically correct ninja bombs of truth that won't just damage ego, but will leave an infected wound to reopen at a later date. Kinda like maggots.

Maggots sounds like Rice Krispies. When they are eating a body. Learn something new every day. Who's the bigger man? Well it ain't me. "Love and hate live next door to each other, and I can't wait to move out of the trailer park and into the luxury high-rise of indifference."

A few days later, it's our mutual friend's Betty's birthday. On my way out the door, my pal lets me know Pirate's on the way. I'm going to run into him anyway, and I'm not going to miss seeing Betty. Things seem to be going well, we're chatting, then I start to be the center of attention in our circle, telling funny stories of our previous weekend's misadventures. Pool balls start flying off the table as Pirate's playing. He won't sit at the table with us. Then more friends show up, one of whom I used that weekend for some post break-up solace. More people, and I'm quite the social butterfly. Few shots, and it seems like a great idea to make out w/ pirate's ex-girlfriend Betty. And my other gal pal. More shots, and I'm making out with Solace Guy. People start flinching as Pirate swings his pool cue. Pirate storms past Solace Guy, who is nowhere near the exit, muttering something along the lines of "YOU'RE sorry…YOU'RE sorry…", and leaves.

Next day, I get several reports of multiple Pirate tantrums from the night before. I feel kinda validated, in a sick, psycho kind of way.
Two days later…


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Ninja
Date: Feb 14, 2007 10:17 AM

I know we're not talking, but I got you a present for your pirate party giveaway. It's a treasure chest piñata, but it's empty. You can fill it with booze or candy or whatever.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Pirate
Date: Feb 14, 2007 12:27 PM

thank you very muches. how's your vd going? what a rotten holiday!! will you please come to the pirate party? i know you would love it and i'm certain that you would make the party a success

---------------- Original Message -----------------
From Ninja
Date: Feb 14, 2007 11:06 AM

Yes, L and I decided last night we'd come, we've got way too much cool crap to not make use of it. Besides, I found her scarf. As for VD day...bleck. Always been one of my least favorite holidays. Even worse than Christmas. Drinking ahoy!!! Damn, I miss J (my guy pal). Last year we had the perfect VD Day, grubbing out at 2 for 1 night at M Lounge.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Pirate
Date: Feb 14, 2007 1:11 PM

yeah i can dig it. i told her that i didn't have it! LOL!! i spent half an hour last night looking for it. i wish i did cause she promised me that she would give me a tatoo as randsom payment. i know all this hurts but i don't want to lose you as a friend and i need you. you are too much of a powerhouse not to have on board for the party. pluss we still have zombie prom to work on next

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Ninja
Date: Feb 14, 2007 11:19 AM

L and her tattoo bribes. Had I know that, I'd a held it for ransom myself. But I'm pretty sure I got a freebie coming anyway, with referrals. I'll help you recruit for this and work on zombie prom with you. I'm more excited about zombie prom, though…S & A and the gang did pirates before, zombie will be fresh. I'm half tempted to host it at a bar near a graveyard, just in case we feel like wandering...We can be party pals. Quit giving me the stink eye, though. I'm serious.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Pirate
Date: Feb 14, 2007 1:32 PM

why what ever do you mean?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Ninja
Feb 14, 2007 1:38 PM

Can you feel the stink eye I'm giving you right now with that reply?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Ninja
Date: Feb 14, 2007 11:55 AM

If you sent me anything after "Why whatever do you mean?"...then I didn't get it. I just inadvertantly deleted my whole inbox. Smooth move. Forehead slap!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Pirate
Date: Feb 14, 2007 2:05 PM

no sure didn't. if you are talking about betty's birthday then i can tell you i was crushed. seeing you with your new boyfriend broke my heart. not in the pissed off kind of way either. it was the cry myself to sleep way

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Ninja
Date: Feb 14, 2007 12:12 PM

I was pretty crushed myself when I realized the man I was in love with wouldn't be my friend, wouldn't be there for me, wouldn't talk to me about what he was thinking and feeling, and just wanted to get the fuck away from me. You made your decision. I think it was the right one and now we have to both move on. Solace Guy is not my new boyfriend. He's just the guy whose willing to be there when I cry. I was very much in love with you. But I'm not going to sit around and dwell on it. Basically, you get no sympathy from me. Any I might have felt dissipated pretty quickly when I was left alone and crying on my floor. This is why we will never be friends. I can not trust you to be there for me. Did you get the email I sent you the Monday after you broke up with me? Titled "Plan B"?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Pirate
Date: Feb 14, 2007 2:17 PM

no i don't think i did.i was a little shocked to see you there that's all. especially after the call i got from you saturday night aftr you and my sister split ways.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Ninja
Date: Feb 14, 2007 12:23 PM

I emailed your yahoo account last week. I'm still mad about you coming into my house. That was either completely thoughtless or extremely presumpuous. It made me feel like you thought, even though you hurt me terribly, you still had the right to walk in and out of my life and my house as you pleased. And you don't. Of course you're going to see me out. I'm not going to alter my life for you and your feelings. I don't expect you to do so for me, either. I'm not going to punish myself or my friends for your actions. So, see ya around.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Pirate
Date: Feb 14, 2007 2:31 PM

would you resend the "plan B"i'm sorry for intruding on your space. i thought i was beeing a stand up guy. it's your stuff including a digital camera. i didn't think that leaving it on the porch was right. i honestly thought it was the right thing to do. i know now that i was wrong now. there is nothing more to do but ask for forgiveness. will you accept my appologie?

----------------------------------------------------

Resent Pirate "Plan B" email…
For your reading enjoyment...

Plan B...

Part of me is surprised. Part of me isn't. I should have seen this coming. I can't believe this happened. It was the same old pattern all over again. You ignoring me. I start looking around. You don't call. We don't talk. I need reassurance. You say we'll talk later. I want to spend time with you. We're never alone.

You say I'm a victim. You say you don't see this ending. You say you want me to look you in the eyes and say your name and say that I love you.

I say I need reassurance. I say I'm pushing you away because I am afraid you'll leave me. I say the thought of you leaving makes me physically ill. I tell you I have a hard time trusting, because everyone eventually leaves.

You leave me.

I am trying hard not to hate you. I know you want to stay friends. I feel like you kicked me when I was down. Last time you left, you got to take a little vacation from my bullshit and then when you came back, everything was hunky dory. Not this time. This time you know how much you are hurting me. A part of me still hoped you'd turn around. A part of me hoped you'd hold me, and smooth my hair and tell me it was going to be ok, you didn't mean it, you'd changed your mind.

I should have known when you came to get your book that it was over.

I can't be your friend. Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame shame shame shame shame on me.

I'll have your things on the porch Friday. I'd appreciate you to get them while I'm at work. Please just leave my things there on the couch. The door will be locked.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Pirate
Date: Feb 14, 2007 4:33 PM

I feel for you. I know that you don’t want to be the victim but that’s exactly what you are. All the events in your life lead you to what kind of person you are. I don’t think I would have lived through all the turmoil that you have been subjected too.

I’m not to blame in the story of us. I gave you another chance not the other way around. I don’t know how you can justify treating me the way you did and still feel you are not to blame. 80% of the time we were together things couldn’t have been better. You were and still are nearly everything I want in a girl. It was the 20% of the time that you would break down on me and say and do the most hateful things I’ve ever tolerated from anyone. Do you remember the,” get out of jail free cards”? Why do you think I accrued those? Was it because you were treating me right? Maybe it was because of how sweet you were to me? Nope. It was because of the poor way you were treating the man you loved.

You were always pushing me farther away. You have trust issues, both of us know that. The moment I get to close you put up a wall and start sabotaging the relationship. You also treated me with constant disrespect. When I ask you to stop kissing girls you slough it off. When I tell you I’m not ok with you having a drink with (guy friend) P. You tell me to get over it. You value your feelings and the feeling of your friends over mine. It is both selfish and hateful to treat me in that manner. I felt less than whole in our relationship then.

When I realized how much I missed you I wanted you back. I thought you would change. Thought that you would treat me with respect. Turns out I was fooled again. Every time you get too drunk, (which is all too often) you would say and do hateful things. I know that you needed someone. I was there for you. When I had problems you ignored them. I was second to your needs, and you would tell me you need reassurance. Well guess what! You have a notch on the board as one of the greatest loves I’ll ever know. I couldn’t fix you. No one can till you hit bottom. You lost me, I didn’t leave you. You need help or the next great guy you find will be forced to leave too.

When we split the first time you slept with Army Pal. That hurt to know that I was so replaceable but I have no right to be mad about that. What is a Damnable Offense is inviting the same man who shared our bed back into the house. When I objected you told me you made a promise to a friend. You didn’t even have enough courtesy to oblige me in my request. He is nothing but a one night stand and you put him before me. And when I finally succumbed to my own poor judgment I gave up my right to make a stand. The more time that has gone by the more that offense ate away at my soul; I could not let it go. You did not get abandoned; I didn’t leave you in your time of need. You drove the nail in the coffin yourself. That night was the death of us; it just took time for the body to go cold.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Ninja
Date: Feb 14, 2007 4:57 PM

I'm not a victim. You see me as such, and that's a problem. Bad things have happened, but I've made it through them, but not without some scars.

When you asked about the gal thing, I agreed. Wasn't super happy about it, but I saw you point. My guy friend P...same thing. you saw it as me picking them. i saw it as you saying "pick me or them". Some of your friends I don't like and make me outright uncomfortable, I didn't ask you to change your relationship with them, nor did I quit spending time with you with them.

Chalk this up as my fault. i do have trust issues and my feelings are easily hurt. When i tell you I need reassurance and you say we'll talk later, when I suggest things and you don't offer to do them, I feel pushed aside. Like you don't think my interests are important. And while I try and try to explain to myself that you don't mean to be flippant or unaffectionate, that you don't mean to ignore me, that you don't mean to struggle not to answer your phone in bed, during sex or at breakfast, I still resent that. And that resentment comes out later when I'm not concentrating so hard keeping it inside.

I know things I said hurt you. They hurt because there was a grain of truth in it. I am further along the commercial path than you. Our long term goals were not the same.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't feel secure in our relationship. I felt like your buddy, not your beloved. I felt ignored. There wasn't romance.

Army Guy was a friend. He was there for me when I cried and got mad and pouted and stormed. You'd made it clear you weren't there through thick and thin. There was no way I could turn him out for the man that turned me out. I still do NOT see that as disrespectful. It was my house, my bed, I invited you there out of courtesy to you. We're not going to see eye to eye on this point.

If respect to you means conceding to demands, I can't comply.

i can't make you happy when you can't forgive me.

And the pretty side of me has no problem at all finding love. I'm looking for the guy who can say:

"I know you're nuts, I read what you write, I know your past, and I love you anyway."

You're there for the good times? Well, doesn't that make you special? ……Then I get to thinking…... I'm not entirely sure I'm in the right on this. I send this whole email exchange to my best friend who is also a good friend of his and the biggest proponent of our being a couple. This is her reply:

Don't you DARE fall for his act of "pitiful me." He has NO RIGHT, none at all to talk to you that way. To blame you - if he were a real man, he would take the blame, no matter what happened. At the very least, he should accept responsibility of 50% of the blame. He is apparently hurting right now because he's definitely trying to hurt you back by making you to be the villan. You are not that at all Ninja - and you are not the victim as he puts it. You are strong and beautiful and you are more sensitive to others than anyone I know. You do strike out at others occasionally, when you have been hurt, BUT THAT'S ONLY AFTER YOU'VE BEEN HURT. You don't do the hurting in the first place.
It's your way of protecting yourself and everyone has the right to do that. PLEASE PLEASE don't let his selfish, pathetic little self cause you any self-doubts. You are the one working on your master's degree; you are the one who is well-traveled and well-educated; you are the one people flock to; you are the one who manages to take care of yourself and not still rely on a parent to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head; you are a self-sufficient, independent, beautiful BEAUTIFUL girl and he will not take that away from you.

..Did he bring you lunch to your work; take you to dinner; fly you to calif to meet his family (I had to pay my own way to spend Thanksgiving with his family); have a place of his own where he could entertain you (again, lived with his dad); come and pick you up when the roads were iced over (I was snowbound for two days and my coworkers had to pick me up for work. He was off work those days and went sledding); open your car door; help fix up your place; work on your car; did he do any of those "manly" type jobs or make you feel protected or cared for in any manner? I won't ever forgive him for the things that I now know that he's said to you. He has no right. He's a sloth. He has no class. He was never going to be able to offer you anything and you deserve the world, not some overweight, haf-wit who is going to play pirate for the rest of his life.
I love you. You will have better. You'll find a great man someday who deserves you and appreciates you for you - even if you say now that you don't want that - you will have that. Trust me.………

Ahhh, I have back up.

Now the bad part. It's Valentine's Day. I get a call from Pirate while in class. Don't answer. Dying to know why he called. Voice mail says he called to say hey. Text him. Tell him we got nothing to chat about. Done. Send out a mass invite to my pals to get their single butts down to our favorite pub. My friend L replies, Pirate has just called her to let her know he'll be at my pub and to deflect me from that bar. I text him; I've already got people in route. He asks me to change plans. I've invited thirty people. I say no way. I get a herd of single people together and we go out and have a blast. Somewhere along the line, it seems to be a good idea to proposition him for sex.

Text exchange:
Ninja: "VD Day sex?"
Pirate: "Who? Me?"
Ninja: "You're a bright one. Yes."
Pirate: "Your place or mine?"
Ninja: "Mine."
Pirate: "Can I stay over?"
Ninja: "Sure"
Pirate: "Be there in 20. Just got home"

It was good, good, goooood. Post coital, we ended up talking until three in the morning about why our relationship wouldn't ever work. He believes people with rejection issues are like abused dogs, they never unlearn, they'll always react, cower, be afraid, pull away. He thinks we're both broken. I tell him I need someone stronger, tougher, more accomplished, more confident.

Then I get Pirate's reply the next morning from the night before…

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From PirateDate: Feb 14, 2007 5:22 PM

very nicely put.
still not my fault.
you can thank Army Guy and his kindness for our ending our relationship. i can deal with the nuts that you go. but that's not going to change. you don't get it. you put Army Pal and P before me. simple as that. if you don't see that as wrong then that is the craziest part about you.

i'm astounded that you cant take accountability and that you are so obtuce that you can't see how wrong that was.
how can some one so intelegent be so ignorant of others feelings?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Ninja
Date: Feb 15, 2007 6:26 AM

I don't even see why you're bringing up (guy friend) P. I thought we can to an arrangement on that.
And how are you saying you can deal with "my nuts"? You stated clearly last night that you cannot, that you can't be pushed away, that you will not deal with rejection.
I'm not assigning blame or fault to you. I said to blame me. Out, damn spot!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Pirate
Date: Feb 15, 2007 8:30 AM

this message was sent before we spoke lastnight.
it's all been addressed.
have fun at work
thank you for talking to me last night.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From Ninja
Date: Feb 15, 2007 6:31 AM

We're not getting back together. I'm just clarifying that.
You're welcome.

Pirate replies: thanks doll. you have a wonderfull dayI'm still feeling damn good.

That night was dirty hot, and I text him to tell him so. One thing leads to another, I invite him back for that night, figuring after a night of drunken karaoke, I'm going to end up bootie calling him anyway. Somehow, a night time liason turns into lunch time quickie in a company van in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. So white trash. And it's empty and weird. He's over exuberant. I'm withdrawn. We're still supposed to hook up that night. I text him around seven that I'd wanted to call him and invite him to nap w/ me, and that was weird, and the previous night was hot, but that day was weird. He texts me back at 10pm that he'd just woke up from a nap and felt like he'd been hit by a truck. That's all. I sent him this this morning.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Ninja
Date: Feb 16, 2007 8:04 AM

I asked you yesterday if I met you at lunch if I'd get some last night. You said yes.
Here's the two scenarios I imagine you were thinking last night:

1.) "ZZZZZZZZZ.....Zzzzzzzz"You don't even remember.
2.) "Damn, I'm supposed to go over & screw Ninja tonight. I'm so tired. Well, if she wants it, she'll call."You leave it all up to me.

Here's what I was hoping would happen...
"Man, I'm pooped. I'm supposed to see Ninja tonight. She did come out of her comfort zone twice to initiate contact with me last night and today, not to mention driving 40 mins out of her way to make one of my fantasies come true. Better call her now.

"I don't like the way I feel when I'm around you. I feel lonely and ignored. So, I can't see or talk or hang out with you again. I miss you, but I'm lonely enough as it is without being lonely around you.………….
He won't get this until tomorrow. But I got to cut it off.

Friends are there for you when you cry.
He's not a friend.