Sunday, September 23, 2007


INFO: Milo and I knew eachother through friends, so we had been acquainted for a year or so before becoming involved. Our involvement began when I was spending the night with said friends and he came to the house after a night of drinking and snuggled up to me on the couch. We made out that night and a week or so later had sex. I could tell he had conflicting feelings (although we're both 28 years old, he had some issues and was still "figuring himself out" and attending a church that I assume isn't cool with pre-marital sex), but I ignored that in pursuit of physical pleasure. We only saw eachother on weekends. We had a very good time in bed and discussed that we only wanted a physical relationship. However, he was very loving and affectionate at times and wanted me to spend the night and lounge around the following mornings. He would also send me text messages during the week just to chat.

So on our final weekend, he did the affectionate/lounge things on Friday night/Saturday morning (he was drunk, I was relatively sober) but was standoffish on Saturday night/Sunday morning (I was drunk, he was sober). I sent the following e-mail message Monday and got the following reply:

DATE: Sep 17, 2007 12:12 PM
FROM: Hayden
TO: Milo
Hey. I just need to get a couple things off my chest so hopefully I can get some work done instead of being distracted for the rest of the day. I don't intend this to be a glimpse into the depths of my soul or an in-depth analysis of our relationship, but I realize that I don't always express myself well and may be giving off the wrong impressions. And also with all the gossip between X and X, I just wanted to say (write) some things directly to you.

I like you. On top of the very gratifying physical things you offer, I think you're an interesting, entertaining person. That doesn't mean I want to get married and have your kids, but it does mean I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or make you feel awkward, and I'll always be honest with you. And as much as I've told myself and you that I'm not involved at all emotionally, I knew that would be impossible with an on-going physical relationship.

So this weekend left me feeling kinda awkward. I had a nice time Friday night, but Saturday you seemed to feel differently toward me - like you were annoyed with me or bothered that I came over. I realize I was annoying and probably not so easy to tolerate since you were sober, but I'd like to know what it is I can do in the future to avoid getting that kind of reaction from you - because I just don't want to feel like that again. If it's that you only want to see me when you're really drunk or would rather not see me at all, I won't be mad and can be mature about it - I would just rather have an honest answer now than drag it out with my own experimentation.

So I'm not sure how to close a message like this, but I think I've covered everything I needed to cover. I hope it didn't creep you out too much.

DATE: Sep 17, 2007 11:03 PM
FROM: Milo

If you knew it would be impossible then why did you agree to a physical relationship?
The only reason I agreed to a physical relationship was because you were so adament about not wanting to get emotionally involved with anyone...I thought I had found my female cold hearted equal....A few weeks ago I asked you what your intentions were because I needed reasurance that you wanted nothing more from me than to get laid....

Its not that I'm afraid of getting hurt or don't want to be confined in a relationship...I am simply uncapable of caring about anyone in a romantic fashion...Yes I care about you and enjoy your company....I'm discipline[d] enough to have a good time and then go about my week as if nothing ever happen[e]d....I thought we were on the same page....When I asked you what your intentions were you acted frustrated as if you thought I was catching feelings or something....Basically what I'm trying to say is I don't feel bad, nor do I regret the things that have happen[e]d the last few weeks...I am black and white...When I say something I mean it...I wasn't mad at you saturday...I am frustated with myself because I allow foolish things to get in the way of my goals....Mainly I was upset because I got drunk friday and didn't feel like doing any school work saturday...And didn't go to church sunday...Nothing related to you...

You are a pretty girl with a nice figure and selfless sex drive...If I wanted to get romantically involved with someone I wouldn't find a better match than you...I simply don't care...That aspect of my life has been dead for a couple years now....My advice to you is to spend your time with someone who wants a relationship and quit spinning your wheels with people like me that are dead to romance...

FOLLOW-UP: The next day, we exchanged the following texts:

DATE: Sep 18, 2007

Sorry if I came off as a dick in that message...I just don't know how to handle someone caring about me...

DATE: Sep 18, 2007
FROM: Hayden

IF you came off as a dick? Ha. Don't worry, I'll get over it someday. ;)

EPILOGUE: Obviously this is a fresh "break-up" and may drag out a little longer. I'll send any future juicy tidbits along for your readers' pleasure.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hayden enters a relationship under false pretenses. Then gets her nose out of joint when the man answers her direct question with the honesty women always claim to want. Shit like this accounts for more misogyny than any amount of objectification in the media, ladies.

9:44 AM, September 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh stop it. She didn't enter under false pretenses; something else was evolving. That happens, she was out with it when it happened, and didn't blame him for sticking to his "no feelings" BS, even though it's pretty transparently self-protection on his part. Just keep on cruisin', Hayden. If you keep going back for the "physical" when you kinda like the guy, thinking eventually he'll "wake up" THEN you're being psycho. Or at least foolish.

10:56 AM, September 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. I don't think she was trying to change him, or even fool him into a committed relationship. I think that she "woke up" and realized that she was developing feelings for him, that she hoped wouldn't evolve.

When she did, she let him know immediately, without any head games or passive agressive BS.

Though he also replied "honestly," he was quite harsh about it. I agree that his almost violent abhorrance to commitment smells of something else going on.

6:26 PM, September 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, when _one_ woman does something you don't like, it automatically reflects badly on the entire sex? Also, objectification in the media doesn't cause misogyny. Objectification in the media _is_ misogyny.

10:04 AM, September 26, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hayden absolutely did the right thing, and with poise and grace and honesty. Milo came off as a dick because he didn't have the grace or honesty. Unfortunately we don't have a place in society for a relationship where two people can like one another's company AND be sexually involved. This is because we have this bizarre dichotomy of love/sex, wherein if you have sex without love, there can't possibly be any mutual respect involved. It's absolute bullshit, and good on Hayden for seeing through it!

12:17 AM, September 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"dead to romance"...this guy is just pitying himself.

In my opinion, anyone who cares about someone feels and thus is not dead to romance, only can pretend to be like that for several reasons including fear of getting hurt or hurting someone.

I am tempted to write, that he is a coward and not worth any second thought...but this might be too harsh.

3:48 PM, October 19, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me thinks 10,000 years of patriarchy accounts for misogyny.

Time to crack open some feminist texts, already!

Save us your trite "analysis" of the causes of misogyny, which is grossly misinformed.

Try reading some critical perspectives on:
Domestic violence
Date rape
Female genital mutilation
Dowry murders
Snuff films
Foot binding
Pay inequality
Female sexual slavery
Etc. etc. etc.

4:54 PM, December 29, 2007  

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