CASE # 96: GUMBO + SO OVER IT
SUBMITTED BY: So Over It
PARTIES: Gumbo (28M) So Over It (22F)
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 1 year 3 months
WHO ENDED IT: Well I haven’t quite yet...That’s why I am writing
INFO:ok, where to begin...we met on myspace but had seen each other around town before that (I usually leave the myspace part out :) ) It was amazing in the beginning, then I found out he had two children and the trashiest babies mama. I think from the beginning, there were still things going on between the two of them but I was so blinded by the “love” I never realized it. To make a long year short... I went through his phone on many occasions and found texts from other girls and to other girls talking about meeting up, him calling them sexy, or boo...and so on.
I confronted him and I would pack my stuff and leave. then he would use his so called charm and I would come back again, and again. Oh and I forgot to mention a minor detail, we moved in together after a month so this makes the whole thing more complicated. So one night after confronting him about some texts I had came across I did the usual, packed and left...but this time I called his babies mama, don’t really remember why but I did...she informed me that he had just called her and was on his way over. She gave me directions to her house, and sure enough he was there. She told me to come to the door and she would let me in. he was naked in her bed. for once in his life he was speechless but of course a couple days later I fell for it again.
now it hasn’t been more than a month after this happened and we were coming home from a cookout and he raised his voice at me so I punched him in his arm and he threw a 40oz cup of fruit punch in my face. It ruined my outfit and got all on the upholstery of my seats. He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong .and now I am so unhappy all we do is argue and when I try to break it off he puts on the usual charm and I go back. I need some help or advice...I need to end this and move on...
DATE: Hopefully Soon
FROM: So Over It
TO: Gumbo
The proposed letter:
I am so unhappy. I don’t even know where to begin. I keep telling myself to hold on, but how can I hold onto something that isn’t there anymore? I loved you very much and did just about anything for you, but didn’t get an ounce in return. All you seem to be able to do is talk to other girls, try to hook up with other people, tend to your dogs, and workout. You do not have time for me in your life, and you can live your life that way, but I will not be some girl that sits at home waiting. I am always waiting... waiting for you to make me happy, waiting for you to grow up and realize what’s in front of you, waiting for you to realize that this isn’t a joke, waiting for you to understand me, waiting for you to care about me, WAITING... and now I finally realize that I will spend my whole life waiting on something/someone that will never change.
I never imagined to be living my life this way. I never wanted to be with someone again, who didn’t appreciate me, someone whom I couldn’t be myself around, and more importantly someone who doesn’t love me the same way. You have done nothing but screw me over from day 1, and you might even have another child. You always tell me I am immature to try and disguise your childish behavior. You also do not support me in any way shape or form. I am so tired of this and the way you treat me. You have said before maybe I am not the kind of n**** you want, and more and more I am realizing that you aren’t at all what I wanted in a man.
I keep trying to make you the one, and quite frankly, you aren’t. I am to the point that all the feelings I had for you have turned to hate. I don’t enjoy being around you anymore because you are so negative and no fun. Love isn’t supposed to be like this. I should never feel the way you make me, and for the past year I have sat and worried when would he do it again, when will he cheat on me again...it’s not fair. I am a lot younger than you and should be the one acting that way.
You have two children and it’s about time for you to grow up. I am more mature than you in every way shape and form. You need to focus more on your children than on the life you are leading, because believe me; it will get you nowhere! You sit here and tell me that you cannot afford to take me to dinner or buy me something, but when Trina calls and asks, you jump ship. Maybe that’s the whole issue, Trina, or could it be Christina, or Crystal, or Katie, or Heather, or Laura...the list goes on.
You should have stopped and taken a moment of your time to think about me and our life together. Now it’s too late. Any man who was sorry for the things he did would have changed or at least not done it over and over and over. I should have cheated on you every chance I had, just so you would have known what it felt like, but without a doubt, I know that no matter where my life takes me from here on out, it will be better than with you.
What bothers me even more about you, is the fact that the father you are to your children now, is not the kind of father I want for my future children. You do not respect me in the least bit and I will not tolerate this anymore. We both have had a week vacation, but somehow you managed to not spend a single moment outside of sleep, tv, and working on the computer with me. You think that those things are quality time, and they are not. Maybe you would be better off with one of your flings, they seem to like what you have to offer, which I am realizing is next to nothing.
You sit here and try to talk to trashy girls and hoes, when you have a beautiful, smart, woman in front of you. I had so much to offer you, but you had nothing to offer me. I will be in a different class than you in a couple of years, and I would have needed someone who could play the part, but you clearly cannot.
14 Comments:
Ok, so we usually don't post or receive letters before the breaking up has taken place but "So Over It" could use a helpful kick in the ass and she sent in some rad artwork so let's see what we can do with our non-professional advice.
First off, thanks for sharing. It seems like the best decision in the world to get out of this. Now you just have to find the guts to do it.
You know what you have to do.
Like you said; you're a smart beautiful woman that deserves better, so YOU are the only one that can give yourself that. YOU have to take responsibility for staying with someone that fucks around on YOU and cut it off before YOU get the HIV.
YOU can't keep blaming him for being "charming" and getting you to come back. That's YOUR choice and one YOU keep making. YOU have to break that cycle, pull up YOUR shorts and leave.
(The CAPS too much?)
You're too young to be so unhappy. Get out, get tested, find yourself, then one day you'll find someone that wants to fuck you and you only. Someone that won't throw fruit punch in your face or do any of the other things he did to you that I thought only happened in the movies.
What do you think dear readers?
What do you think 'So Over It?'
Help us, help you.
love always,
e-closure
E-closure is SOOO RIGHT! I'm sorry to hear the situation and hope you can get out of it asap. its hard, and it will be hard to somewhat start all over, but HE is the bad guy, you did nothing wrong. So save as much money as you can to get out of there, you deserve SO much better!
Best of Luck!
Get out of it. You definately deserve better. After reading your story and the letter, i was thinking that how you could not have seen this fact? But it may be as it was, you deserve better. Get out of it, now. No return, whatsoever, ok? Straighten your life, clear the things out with yourself about the properties tha shall be in the man of your life. Don´t worry, the right one is waiting for you. And when the time is right, he will definately appear in front of you. And you´ll know it. Good luck!
So Over It,
I found myself in your exact situation at about the same age. And I'm going to tell you the same thing my mother told me...
Stop listening to his words; look at his actions instead.
Gumbo does not love you. This is a game to him; it's a form of entertainment. The same goes for his babies' mama.
So stuff a few cotton balls in your ears and keep your eyes open, girl. You've gotta get out of there.
P.S. It took me several years to get over the destructive and degrading relationship I had with my Gumbo. The longer you stay, the harder it is to find yourself again. We were together 4 years before I left him.
Oh my god. Is Gumbo's real name 'Will'??
Oh geez. Just go. Don't engage him in this conversation -- that's been the problem all along. You ARE waiting for him to talk you out of it, to say that One Perfect Thing that's going to make everything better. And by now he knows exactly how to do that, just what to say. You don't have to prove or explain anything. Just go.
Otherwise, I for one am going to put $10 on you changing your mind after a long tearful night of blahblah where he promises this time -- THIS time -- everything is going to be different. (Until you're posting here again next month.)
you have to ask yourself why you are still with this guy who seems completely undeserving of anyone's love. you seem to realize that his actions are vile and he clearly doesn't love or even remotely respect you. but you keep going back to him and if i were to guess why (based on the stupid self-destructive things i did myself when i was your age) i'd say it's probably because you're looking for him to validate you as a worthwhile, beautiful, lovable person. as e-closure basically said, it's not his charm that pulls you back, it's your emotional dependency and your choices. you can't expect someone else to love and respect you when you don't love and respect yourself. i'm sorry if that sounds harsh but i mean it in a caring way. you don't let someone do all this shit to you unless deep down you kinda feel like you're worthless.
why even bother with that letter? do you think he'll be stumped why you left him? do you really think he'll need the long explanation? or that reading your advice about being a better father will cause him to suddenly become a good parent? do you think he'll read it and stop wanting to sleep with other women, stop sleeping with his ex, stop being abusive, become focused on you and supportive, become in fact a completely different person? seriously... you know the answer to all these questions isn't "yes".
instead of writing him letters that will accomplish nothing, try to be constructive in your own life. you need to focus your energy on building the confidence and self-respect to walk away from this situation which isn't contributing anything positive to your life. and to seek healthier relationships. the longer you stay with him the more damaged you'll become and the harder it will be.
you sound really cool and intelligent and capable of great strength. i hope you realize it and i wish you luck with this.
e-closure is bang on with advice. You are worthy of so much better. Be strong, and true to yourself.
What is he bringing to your life that is positive in any way?
Don't be afraid of being alone. Once you are physically and emotionally free from Gumbo you will be able to find an emotionally fulfilling relationship that serves you much better.
It doesn't sound like there is any value in his character, so why would you even consider being tempted by his charms?
Jump ship Now! You will be so glad you did.
Hey everyone. Thanks for the advice. I know when some of you read it, you are thinking is this girl an idiot--the asnwer is right in front of her. Thats how I feel too...i am so embarassed that I am even in this situation. I am so bold and fearless when it comes to every aspect of my life expect him. I just crumble for some reason. I bever thought I would allow myself to get in a relationship like this..but I really appreciate the advice you all have given me...I am so over him.
Thanks!
... where to start...
You're going on saying that you're waiting for him to make you happy - that is NOT his responsibility. If YOU can't do that for yourself, no force on earth is going to. Invest some time & effort into making yourself happy & building your self-worth, rather than being reliant on somebody else to do it foe you.
As has been previously stated, you clearly know that you are miserable & your boyfriend subjects you to things you don't deserve. You know you feel like shit with this guy.
You need to ask yourself & VERY carefully examine your answers, about why it is that you are still there. What pay-off are you getting from the situation, that keeps you with him?
I'm with "she fights like a girl" when she points out that after another night of argueing, you'll fall for whatever line he offers up. Break the cycle of empty promises, or it will go on forever.
I'm not meaning to come across as unsympathetic here... there's not a person that I know (who has been in a relationship) & not gone through something along these lines... But, make a decision & stick with it.
I agree with netts. I'm going through a similar thing with my guy of three years right now. He talks and talks but his actions are completely different. I've stopped talking his calls and emails.
As the old saying goes (before it was butchered by Bush): Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I would have thought catching him in bed naked in his baby mama's house would have been the straw that broke the camel's back here!
Listen to She Fights Like a Girl. At least, the first paragraph.
Just go. Don't even bother with the letter. Or if you do, just leave it AFTER you've packed up all of your shit and left. Because in all honesty - he's not going to give two shits about what you've written. Because if he did, then he would've given two shits about how he treated you and the relationship.
Although, the letter may seem empowering to you - you'll be sorely disappointed if you expect some grandiose reaction on his part.
Just focus on the satisfaction that you are getting out of a toxic relationship and vicious cycle that brings you no happiness. And that a few months, years, etc. from now - you will be in such a better place.
so... what happened?
Ok, so nearly a year later....here is the update. I ended up leaving him in Nov of 08. He begged as usual..and i stood my ground. He ended up moving back home to New Orleans so a few states away from me, which was the best thing that could have ever happened. I still dont understand what makes a person stay in a situation like that and never thought I would be one of those people. I have been seeing other people but have tried to put myself first and take care of my needs. Afterall, until I know who I am and what I want, no one else will figure it out. He definately did me wrong in so many ways but I just remind myself that what goes around comes around. KARMA. So thanks for allowing me to post last year and get advice. Hope all is well.
~so over it
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