Wednesday, September 06, 2006

CASE # 65: ALANA + MARK



SUBMITTED/ENDED BY: MARK
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 5 MONTHS
INFO: Hi - so, I've enclosed a few emails I saved from this
horrible experience. Hoping this is theraputic.


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DATE: 25 Jul 2006 08:18:23 -0700
FROM: MARK
TO: ALANA
SUBJECT: It's for the best...


I'm doing this over email because, honestly, I see no other way. It's gotten to a point where- because you're constantly running your mouth- I can't get a word in edgewise. So I want you to read this, absorb it and use it as an opportunity to be a lot more introspective instead of blame me for everything and continue to proverbially castrate me.

I think it's time for both of us to move on,relationship wise. I'm not enjoying myself or my life anymore, and I think the reason is you. I'm sorry for putting that so harshly, but I really believe you've become a huge obstacle in my life. Because we've been fighting like cats and dogs lately, and because I owe it to you,I will be
blunt. Here are my issues: I can't spend every weeknight and weekend with you, I can't do that bullshit baby-talk banter back and forth all night, I can't pretend I care when you break a nail, I can't kiss your stuffed animals goodnight anymore. I don't like apple picking. I don't like bike rides. I enjoy farting in bed. I enjoy being able to do things without not having you breathing down my neck every step of the way- this for two reasons: it makes me feel like you don't trust me
(and what's a relationship without trust?) and you have halitosis.

For three months of our five month relationship, I have been fighting the feeling that being around you makes me violently ill. And it's not just one thing, it's everything. Your conversational skills annoy me, your opinions annoy me, your voice annoys me, your face annoys me, even your name annoys me. You have forever ruined Alana's for me...which totally sucks because there is a SUPER hot bartender at Malloy's that I wanna bang SO BAD, but her name is ALANA! Everything about you is starting to drive me crazy and I just don't know a nice way of putting it. You're just lucky that you're somewhat of a good lay.

I'm sorry, but I would rather eat my own leg than continue being your boyfriend. I'm mailing you all the shit you left at my apartment... except the panties you wore the first night we had sex. I am keeping those as a trophy- awarding myself for the fact that you actually believed I was a virgin too.

I wish you nothing but luck, success and happiness in the future. I really mean that. Just make sure you let the next guy keep his balls.

Sincerely,
Mark

P.S. The last four times we've had sex, I was pretending I was banging your sister the entire time.


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DATE: 25 Jul 2006 18:19:43 -0700
FROM: ALANA
TO: MARK
SUBJECT: Re: It's for the best...


Hi Mark,

What kind of person breaks up with someone over email? I mean, honestly, no wonder you haven't been in a relationship since high school. And I may talk a lot,but that's only because you refuse to say anything at all. Being with you is like dating a catatonic invalid. I am the only source of any conversation we have ever had. I'm sorry that your disturbingly close relationship with your overbearing mother has stunted your social skills. I think she's the one that has your balls, for I have never seen them.

Secondly, to say that you're not enjoying your life because of me is just pathetic. If you stopped playing with your puppets, attempting to touch your nose with your big toe, or measuring your package on a daily basis, you just may have a real chance at life. And by the way IT IS SMALL. I LIED. You need to see someone. Seriously. I am not the obstacle to your happiness. I am the best thing you have ever seen and will ever have. I eat weak men like you for dinner. Oh, and the Alana at Malloy's - used to be a man. True story. Ask your dear friend Chuck - he used to know her when she was Alan.

Your deficiencies aside, I hate that this is how this is ending. I no longer have a date for Julia's wedding next week and I have no idea who's gonna walk Pookie in the evenings. I really would have appreciated a little more notice.
You suck Mark. Honestly.

Alana


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DATE: 26 Jul 2006 11:15:31 -0700
FROM: MARK
TO: ALANA
SUBJECT:Re: It's for the best...


Dear Horrible Monster,

Thanks for your email. You proved my point for me.
YOU ARE AWFUL!

Here's a few things to think about:

1.)The reason I haven't been in a relationship since high school is because of girls like you! Who needs that kind of headache?

2.)Perhaps the reason I'm a "catatonic invalid" is because one minute with you is like a total frontal lobotomy.

3.) Die.

4.)Keep my mom out of this. At 58 she has a better figure than you. Seriously.I bet that's why you have such a problem with her.

5.)Funny thing about Alana/Alan at Malloy's...you STILL have a bigger mustache.

6.)Have fun at Julia's wedding. Don't tell Evan that she blew me in the bathroom at your birthday party.

You know, when I met your mom and realized how alike you two were, it made me understand why your dad killed himself. He's probably SO MUCH happier in hell.

Love, Mark

P.S. All items you left at my place are now in the male. One of them has been used to wipe my ass. Guess which one.


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DATE: 28 Jul 2006 05:49:12 -0700
FROM: ALANA
TO: MARK
SUBJECT:Re: It's for the best...


Dear numbnuts,

I have no idea how I was with you for 5 months and did not see you for the cheating, insecure little man you obviously are. To say what you did about my parents is a sad reflection of your ill-upbringing. My father would have stuck his tobacco pipe up your ass if he was still alive.

You are disgusting Mark. Hearing a 2nd grade teacher talk like that makes me realize that public education really has taken a turn for the worse. And you can thank me for sticking you with that job, by the way, as I distinctly had my mother tell Miss Marjorie at Beethoven Prep that you didn't have the refinement necessary to work at a private institution.

So, in summation, I hope you make 30k for the rest of your life as you get pummeled by spitballs in that inner city hell they call a school.

Alana

PS- By the way -get checked out. Last I heard, Julia had herpes. Hope it was worth it.


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DATE: 29 Jul 2006 12:25:27 -0700
FROM: MARK
TO: ALANA
SUBJECT: Re: It's for the best...


Alana,

It's sad that you consider your job- filing down rotting teeth to make way for cheap porcelain veneers at your uncle's quack cosmetic dentistry office- more honorable than trying to give society abandoned, disenfranchised, minority youth a fighting chance in this world. You're a good person. That's a sarcastic lie, by the way... like all those times I told you you were pretty while you cried in front of the mirror and made me late to or miss ballgames and parties. Talk about insecure!

How can you blame me for my infidelities when sex with you was like humping a bowl of soup? I didn't realize fat people had proportionally huge vaginas. Go figure.

I've been hard on you in these last few emails Alana and I am sorry.I now understand the pain that must accompany the realization that you are destined to be a creepy, cat owning spinster for the rest of your life. That's why I'm not mad at you, or angry with you, or feel any more ill will towards you. I pity you.

Mark

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DATE: 30 Jul 2006 15:27:48 -0700
FROM: ALANA
TO: MARK
SUBJECT: Re: It's for the best...


Oh Mark,

I'm really beyond all this at this point. I hate you. That much I know. The memories of gagging on your unnaturally hairy chest alone give me nightmares. That's why I sent you that box of wax along with the rest of your stuff. Anyway, you better like humping bowls of soup cause that can of Campbell's is the only action you're gonna get for a long, long time.

Alana

16 Comments:

Anonymous dick cheney's shotgun of fiction said...

The fiction of this was absolute the moment Mark mentioned how his own 58 year old mother's figure was better than his ex's.

Karl Rove could do better than this on his worst day. Oh yeah, and...

Charles: Why do we always come here?

Dwayne: I guess we'll never know.

Charles: It's like a kind of torture...

C + D: ...to have to watch the show.

12:23 AM, September 06, 2006  
Blogger e-closure.com said...

We're honoured if Mark did this especially for us though.

And one of our childhood dreams has always been to be apart of a fabricated 'breakup letter forward' that parents and speds think is legit. And by God, we're one step closer.

Forward on kids.

Charles: This show is awful!

Dwayne: Terrible!

Dick Cheney: Disgusting!

Charles: See you next week?

Dwayne & Dick: Of course.

12:57 AM, September 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Agreed -- this post was one big steaming pile of fabricated crap. I did however find the following line pretty funny:

"P.S. All items you left at my place are now in the male."

Hmmm. Makes you think...

12:17 PM, September 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, makes me think:

'who's the lucky dude?'

1:50 PM, September 06, 2006  
Blogger ~*~ D ~*~ said...

Well I guess we all came to the same conclusion then...

this seemed made up to me and not real in any way.

3:58 PM, September 06, 2006  
Anonymous dick cheney's shotgun of advice said...

Even more funny than this steaming pile of doo-doo is when people use the word sped especially in its plural form speds.

Coincidentally, I am cranking "Paul Reeve" by the Beastie Boys right now. It is somehow related to the profileration of the word sped, but I can't exactly explain how.

I did it like this,
I did it like that,
I did it with a whiffle ball bat!

6:55 PM, September 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If by some small chance this was real - who behaves like this? Breaking up over email? Unless you're in a long-distance relationship, that's pretty pathetic. And saying you hope someone's dead father burns in hell? Even if she just insulted your dick size, you're still a shithead. Some of the other insults were pretty funny though. A+ entry - these other breakups have been too nice.

8:01 AM, September 07, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to say guys this IS REAL. I am a really good friend of Mark and I thought it would be therapeutic to post their emails on this site. They are both dysfunctional human beings that only brought out the worst in each other. Its a great thing this is done.

1:32 AM, September 10, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well if that WAS real and you are good friends with "Mark", then you seriously need to urge him into some therapy. Regardless of how shitty your ex was to you, no one deserves their father's suicide thrown into their faces. Karma is a big fat hairy bitch. Trust me.

8:20 PM, September 10, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What struck me is how they both have exactly the same writing and abuse styles. Which either means one person wrote the whole thing, or these two were SOULMATES and should get back together and immediately start breeding.

1:12 PM, September 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You might be surprised how often people break up via email. My husband of six years couldn't say things to my face that he could only email. I also had a FWB of a year kiss me off via a txt message. And this was an adult person. (I know the common thread is me. I'm just that intimidating I guess. And I never even threatened anyone!)

1:14 PM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger e-closure.com said...

I guess the important question to the above anonymous commenter is;
when are you gonna send us those letters?

thanks. really.

3:27 PM, September 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought I'd thrown all that stuff out because it made me want to kill myself... But I've just checked and I did salt a couple away to laugh at when I finally got over the horror of it all. So you may be getting some new material after all!

4:11 PM, September 15, 2006  
Blogger e-closure.com said...

we love you.

4:29 PM, September 15, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was f-ing hysterical (except for the part about the father's death of course.)

7:26 PM, October 04, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i <3 charles+dwayne


-- (the kid with the kickass mystery case 3 theory)

11:48 PM, October 13, 2006  

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