Wednesday, February 15, 2006

CASE #40: KIRK + LUANNE



SUBMITTED BY: LUANNE
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: A little over a year.
INFO: I met him at my work, he was a customer and offered me a smoke during my break. He gave me his number and I called him. The next night he came back to my job and offered to hang out. We did. About three months into the relationship, he cheated on me. He went out to go to the club one night with his friends so I was left alone to do his laundry. I saw his camera, looked at the pictures and noticed that they weren't of me, but rather some naked blonde girl. That night I went home, called him crying, he said he'd leave the club and go pick me back up. I waited out in the cold for hours. I called and called but then finally he turned his phone off. I called a cab and snuck around his building, saw he was inside with another woman.

Then guess what? We dated for another 8 months. All but one being long-distance. He had to move to Miami and then back to Venezuela where he came from. At that point we were an open-relationship. I finally broke up with him after he just recently told me he went on a date with a fifteen year old. He is twenty-nine. That is disgusting.


----------------------------------------------------

FROM: LUANNE
TO: KIRK
SUBJECT: That is sad


That you have to resort to fucking fifteen year olds. So let me get this straight, met her at the movies, thought she was hot so hit on her, bought her some beer, ya'll hung out a few times, banged. Now she is stuck on your balls because well;

1) she is still a baby
2) you bought her beer, cool points to the little girls
3) you found her interesting, and you're 29.

Soo... recap: A 29 year old male found the company of a 15 year old girl, found her to be interesting. Interesting enough to hang out a lot.

Ten point bonus question, if you can get this right: how many IQ points does the 29 year old male have to have to have a decent conversation with a 15 year girl, and what is his immaturity level starting from really immature, to what-a-dumb-fuck immature.

Now this is not the reason why I am breaking up with you, though. It's cool you told me about it, that is what we were supposed to do when we screw other people. Be honest and you were and thanks for it.

I'm breaking up with you because she is fifteen years old. I was seventeen. Kim was seventeen. Don't tell me you find young girls attractive. Attractive enough to sleep with them. That's....out of my league. I really hope you don't get caught. Maybe the child rape laws are different over there, but in any case, be safe. Gimme a call and we'll discuss it more. I want to help you with whatever problem you have.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Dick Cheney's Shotgun of Advice said...

I think the best help you could offer him would be to not call him. Face it... if you call him, you will end up back in bed with him.

12:11 AM, February 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You burped:
"Ten point bonus question, if you can get this right: how many IQ points does the 29 year old male have to have to have a decent conversation with a 15 year girl, and what is his immaturity level starting from really immature, to what-a-dumb-fuck immature."

Here's a ten point bonus question for you, if you can get this right: how many IQ points does the jilted-ex (that would be you) must have to stay in a relationship with a guy who has a disturbing propensity for cheating AND shagging minors?

Additionally, what is her immaturity level for driveling on about it like she's a hapless victim? I'm guessing none.

Sure, karma will eventually come around and he'll spend the remainder of his days being tracked as a registered sex offender (here's hoping), and you can put your co-dependent, self-deflating dating prowess back on the market.

Cheers!

12:37 PM, February 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, "call me, we'll discuss it" is also my favorite part. "You're a sick, disgusting, unintelligent, perverted criminal! Gimme a jingle!"

5:51 PM, February 17, 2006  
Blogger scf said...

My God, how could you email him with such drivel? Ugh!

You waited for him in the cold when he was inside in the warmth with yet another young woman? Ugh!

5:08 AM, April 27, 2006  
Blogger Kasey said...

You're just as dumb as he is, plus you're just as bad. A 29 year old with a 17 year old is just the same as 15 to me. You're still young and naive.

5:49 PM, August 21, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kirk and Luanne? Vanhouten? As in Milhouse's parents?

Nice choice of aliases! :D

7:33 PM, January 13, 2010  

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