CASE # 89: AMY + BLAKE

SUBMITTED BY: Amy
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: ?
INFO: Hi there,
Below is a letter I wrote to Scott. We met through one of my oldest friends. I had just been accepted into a PhD programme and was looking forward to quitting my boring job and heading back to school in the fall. Turns out, my summer and a good portion of my first semester were ruined by constant criticism and and obsession with whether or not I had fucked our mutual friend anytime in the 28 years before I met Scott. It was hell. Eventually we broke up when I found an insane amount of porn and dating/swinging memberships under his hotmail address. Agh - he was so gross...

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It's spring and, for some reason, that reminds me of when I started dating you. At first that was fun. Toronto was fun. Laughing with new and old friends was fun. Anticipating a new school adventure was fun. Escaping the everyday of my life in Ottawa was fun. But it was only really fun for a little while. Things went badly. From what I understand, things tend to go this way for you in relationships. Here are some pointers:

*The girl you are dating does not loan you her accomplishments to wear like a new shirt. They are hers - not yours. You gain no extra status or special place through your attachment to other people. You still have to do that for yourself. If I was clever, or pretty, or had a good job, these were MY accomplishments and everyone knew that. You were still just Scott.

*The girl you are dating has friends and her own relationships. Trying to separate me from my friends and family was abusive and stupid. Did you think they were not going to forgive me after I quit you? Did you think I would actually become more "yours" through isolation? That's fucked and sad.

*The girl you are dating likely has some semblance of self esteem. So, while she may bend to your will and criticism for a little while, eventually she will give her head a shake and snap out of it. This will likely result in her hating you for being negative and mean. Your constant criticism and attempts to shape girls into whatever you think will bring them closer to your idea of perfection is another sign of your own unhappiness. I would suggest you spend more time on being the "good guy" you wish everyone thought you were. Instead, you snap at people, criticize them, diminish them, and make them hate you. This happens with girlfriends as well as friends. You spend a lot of energy trying to make people think you are a "good person" - exaggerating your contributions to charities etc, when you could spend a fraction of that energy generating peace and understanding in your personal life. You are not made a better person by finding fault in others.

*The girl you are dating may have a computer. For this reason, you might want to delete any remaining inappropriate online subscriptions. It did not take a fucking computer scientist to Google search your info and find your subscription to Adult Friend Finder, Lavalife, and incest porn, as well as your membership with a swingers club, etc. I found your Lavalife profile the first week I met you. And your aversion to giving me your hotmail address only made me think I should probably get your hotmail address. Turns out it was the same as your Lavalife name. Not too hard. Turns out, this name is associated with all these mentioned sites. Some of these sites suggest that you should get fucking help. You can call it whatever you want, but for a thousand years people have labeled folks like you "perverts". And the fact that you hide it, indicates you already know this.

*Your girlfriend will not put up with the above crap just so you'll fuck her. You're no better at it than most - although as girls we know enough to tell men how great they are. Your dick can most definitely be replaced by one that comes with a kinder person. In the end, we value this more. We will also always lie about who and how many men we have fucked. Mostly because it's none of your business but also because it avoids a lot of hassle. Get over it. Your obsession with owning a girl of your very own is sick and sad. It is not 1952.

I am writing this because I have a lot of anger toward you but also because addressing your problems might help you be a happier person. But mostly, I've wanted to tell you for some time that you are definitely one of the grossest, meanest, smallest-minded men of my acquaintance. Your nastiness as a person is always below the surface. It is not whit (you are not that clever). It is just meanness. This aside, your treatment of women is abhorrent and should be professionally addressed. I'm sorry that your friends do not tell you this to your face. Whatever you choose to tell yourself about what a wonderful person, lover, boyfriend you are, you do not possess any super-special qualities that make it worth the crap a girl must endure. And just because your girlfriend is pretty, or smart, or successful, does not mean you have bettered yourself. This is not self-improvement. It is only "getting a girlfriend". Almost anyone can do that... for a while.

If nothing else, you helped me learn the difference between a kind, intelligent, good person and one that merely looks the part.

Work on yourself. You're an asshole.

Amy