CASE # 60: HUNTER + HUNTRESS

SUBMITTED BY: HUNTRESS

INFO:Hunter and I met in July of 2005- we were both out of on again, off again relationships that weren't making either of us happy. After about a week, I still couldn't get my on again, off again out of my heart so I broke things off with Hunter and went back with my ex.That lasted until December. Hunter had also gone back with his ex, Nathalie and broken up with her in December. In February of 2006, Hunter contacted me and we got back together. In April 2006, both his ex and mine contacted each of us wanting to rekindle the relationships.We both decided that we had a great thing going here that we wanted to continue. He told me to be strong- ignore the calls. He is just trying to wear you down. Little did I know that he was not able to take his own advice.


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DATE: April 28,2006
FROM: Hunter
TO: Huntress

Hi Huntress......
I had a very difficult visit by Nathalie Wednesday evening. We had a quite heated and long discussion about our past, our issues together, our feelings etc. I did not want to get into any detail with her about you and I.........not appropriate and I did not want to get her any more stirred up. She has known for some time that I have been dating and had come to her own assumptions that I was seeing someone now. I defended my position and restated all of the reasons why we were not together. Her position was that we love each other, and that we always will love each other and that you never should walk away from someone you love. I have always stated my position that sometimes you can love someone but still know that you should walk away if you have exhausted all efforts and that's why we are where we are now. I also told her that I was doing just fine and that I was moving ahead in a positive direction. I have also told her several times that She should have never called me recently...........and that she should have left well enough alone........that time would look after things.......for both of us. She doesn't think that time will mean a thing for her. She admits that she has some problems that make it difficult for me but that she is trying and is begging me not to give up on her. She talks about all the good times we had together, how she has always been loyal to me to a fault, how there is still time to change things for the better. While she is saying all of this, I'm thinking about you.....how harmonious we are together,how we love to cuddle up with each other, how we share very similar opinions on day to day lifeissues........how in fact, I am in love with you......& you are in love with me.......

In order to defend my position of not going back with her, I said some very nasty things about her& of course we got into an escalating argument......this type of thing has certainly happened before......in the end...she says.....you & I both know, this doesn't change anything.. She leaves and I start feeling really bad about how strongly I came out against her. I am battlingwith myself about my feelings.......trying to weigh things out......not really getting any clarity.....I think about what the future might hold for you and I....about all of the things I have come to love and respect about you......how we connect on such a different plane than I did with her. Then I think...........am I really through with Nathalie.......have I been too selfish and not patient enough.......

Huntress, you are such a wonderful and beautiful person.....inside and out......I hate so much the thought of hurting you at this point.....after I gave you every indication that I was in this thing with you for the long run. Nothing bad has happened at this point and we have begun to experience many things together. I just have to do something here and be totally honest......I fought hard to push her away but my heart still has an aching there when it comes to her......it's like I said to you a couple of times......it takes awhile to build history together which makes arelationship strong. Truthfully, I was impatient to build history with you I think for this reason. I regret that I spoke toher when she called. It was a huge mistake. I thought that I was strong now, but I guess I am still vulnerable when it comes to her. I thought I had learned my lesson but I guess I have not yet. I feel like I might be making a hugemistake, but I have decided to give things one more chance with Nathalie.

I hate to drop this on you right now.....I'm so sorry Huntress.
Love Hunter

Its so ironic isn't it?...................opposite of what happened last year between us. Maybe we might still wind up back together......for good. If I don't do this now, she would just ruin things between us one way or the other. This way I'll tell her....I'll try one more time.....but only on the condition that if we break up, we both agree never to contact each other again. You are a wonderful lady.....please don't let this get you down on yourself at all....I promise you it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that you are not. I am hurting about us too.
-H

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DATE: April 28, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter

I wished for you.............. you prayed for me............
I know it has only been few months as opposed to a few years, but it felt so right and for me and I thought for you as well and I didn't see you throwing it all away for something you felt wasn't working months ago. I thought you had closed that chapter in your life, just as I had closed mine and that you were ready for a relationship with me. I was so excited when I saw that you had written me a nice big fat e mail today since I hadn't heard your voice in what seemed like such a long time. To say that I was blown away by your letter would be the understatement of the year. I didn't see that coming at all. You gave me the advice to not answer the e mails or letters. Just ignore him. that is the only way.He will just wear you down and that is what he wants. And I listened to you. I ignored them. I kissed him good bye. I weighed it all, and you were where I belonged. Where I wanted to be. And I thought that was what you had decided as well. I thought you were taking your own advice. I wasn't worried. I felt sure. I am so much happier and emotionally healthier with you. Now I feel stupid. I wonder if I will ever learn to read the signs. How can I be so blind and stupid about relationships?

What you and I have felt so different. So right. I allowed myself to believe that was what you felt too. You told me you did. Didn't you??????? I listened to you last Thursday night talking about Nathalie and I thought you were sure that you wanted nothing more with her. That you had exhausted the relationship, having tried several times together already. That she was forgetting about the bad times, and only remembering the good. That you wanted/needed something different in your relationship. That you were over her. That you wanted me. That I was where you belonged. That you loved me and felt that we had something wonderful going here that was different in a better way for you than what you and Nathalie shared. I believed everything you said. I trusted your emotions and mine, and felt really good about what I was feeling with you. I could truly feel my love for you growing stronger each and every day. I felt empty when I didn't see you.

I love who you are, and I love who I am when I am with you. I thought I had found someone who was everything that I wanted in a partner. I saw this wonderful, happy, fulfilling future with you.I thought I had finally gotten this Love thing right. I was proud to be with you. I looked forward to everything with you. I love your mind, and everything about who you are. I loved laughing with you and just being with you. I love you for exactly who you are, and I thought that I had finally found someone wholoved me and wanted to share their life with me. I thought I had found the balance that I had been seeking in my life.

I feel like an idiot telling everyone how wonderful you are, and how great our relationship is going. Leaving you all those messages yesterday and today. I couldn't wait to talk to you yesterday. It wasn't the best day. I went to the dr. and found out that my mole was a malignant melanoma. All I could think of was you telling me that you would be there if ever I needed you for anything, and knowing that I could share this with you and it would all be okay. I have hated waking up the past two mornings without you and I couldn't wait to see you tonight because I was going to miss you all weekend. I guess I understand now why you weren't answering my calls. I feel like a fool now. I was worried that you weren't safe. I just wanted to hear your voice and know you were okay. I never dreamed you weren't answering because you didn't want to talk to me. I hated not hearing from you because it made me feel unsure ( like I had throughout most of my relationship with my ex)and up until this moment, I had felt completely sure about you and me and our feelings for eachother and where this relationship had the potential to go. I thought we had something truly wonderful to build a great relationship on.

You are a wonderful man, and I realise this is something you need to do, but I'll be honest, for mysake, I hope it doesn't work out. For you, IF she makes you really happy, I hope it works out. I will miss you.

Love Huntress


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DATE: April 29, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter

Hey,
You surprised me this morning with your call. A nice surprise........thank you. Needless to say, my mind hasn't stopped rolling this around since I got your e mail yesterday. I have been trapped in a car all day listening to every achey breaky song ever written (Why does it always seem like they are playing them just for you?) and trying to be strong and understand all of this. The thought of you being such an important, full part of my life just to lose you saddens me greatly. I understand this is something you feel you need to do, and although it may feel like I am badgering you, trying to wear you down, really I'm not. I won't do that. I want you back when you know for sure that I am where you belong. I am thinking back to what I did this last time with my ex, and wondered if some reflection from my point of view may be helpful for you. I remember just after I moved out of his place, Adam calling me to make sure I was okay, and the one thing that stuck in my mind from our conversation was him asking me " what did you learn from this?" I remember telling him that I have learned that " I must be true to myself. " That is why I chose to be with you. You have all the qualities I have been looking for. All the qualities I love. All of them. There is nothing I don't like. About you or about me when I am with you. I love that I can think and do and say and feel and be, exactly who I am with you.

I am a big believer in writing when things bug me and I don't know how to solve them, I write. So I did a pro and con list for each of you this past time. I know, it sounds rather callous, and not from the heart, but I needed to distance myself from my heart. Of course I too could say that I still have feelings for my ex, but in doing my pro and con list, I realised that my feelings were clouding the issues. He is not a good person for me to be with. He is not right for me. He is not a healthy choice for me. Yes I love(d) him (He will most likely always have a place in my heart, but it keeps getting smaller and smaller and I know it doesn't mean I should be with him) and my heart skips a beat when I hear his voice or see him too, but he didn't make me feel good about myself or my world. I couldn't respect who he is or some of his values and choices and lifestyles. Which is why it has always boggled my mind that I was ever even attracted to him. I felt like I had this cloud over my head through much of the time I was with him and it got so much worse when I moved in. I was not happy with him. (but I found the cloud lifted once I gotover him and once again I felt great about my world) I found myself trying to overlook the things about him and our relationship that really bothered me, trying to make up excuses about why they were happening. Wanting him to be someone that he isn't, but not wanting him to change because I believe 100% that you must accept a person for who they are, and how you feel when you are with them, not who you want them to be. He told me a few weeks ago that he would change all sorts of things to be with me, but then I would be asking him to be someone else. And that, in my opinion, is not right. He needs to be happy with exactly who he is and be with someone who loves him for that. And I need to be with someone who loves themselves and can love and accept me for exactly who I am. Just as you do.

I have come to a point in my life where I know and like who I am. I am completely confident that I am a good person with lots to offer to the right person. I am not willing to change myself to be with anyone, and I couldn't ask anyone else to change themselves to be with me. Coming to that realisation, has helped me to understand and know all the qualities that I am looking for in a partner. They need to be there to begin with. I can't create them. Wishing won't make them appear. I would have sworn that you were there too.

You have said that you are confused and feel like an idiot returning to an abusive relationship. I don't see that side of you. There are ways that I see you as much stronger than me, yet I am the one resisting here- after taking your advice- and I will continue to do so, while you are unable to. Yet you aren't sure it feels right. That is the part that confuses me. From my point of view, it is a no brainer. But from yours there is mass confusion. Having been in the same position a year ago, I do understand. I guess the hardest part for me is that you and I have been with each other for now for almost 3 months, I know it doesn't seem long in the big picture, but it all felt SO good and right. Always. Immediately. From the moment it began, right up until the moment it ended. Almost as though we were each the missing puzzle piece. We completed each other. Neither of us could bear to spend the night apart- it felt like an eternity. We had each gotten past our ex's, and felt that we belonged together.

We could both see into the future and it looked good being together. Last summer, I hadn't had enough time to discovered how much I loved about you and how good we could be together. I know I hurt you then, and you respected my needs, but were weren't as deeply into it at that point. We have seen how good we are together. There isn't a problem anywhere. You and I both felt like we hadn't in such a long time with each other. I don't know about you, but I want a stress free , balanced relationship. I want a loving,passionate, affectionate, intelligent, respectful, interesting, happy, harmonious, healthy,unchallenging, fulfilling relationship with someone who is also patient and understanding. A relationship that will only grow better and stronger each passing moment with such a strong foundation to start with. We have that. All of it. And more. Absolutely, you and I don't have the history that you and Nathalie have, but you and I don't have the history that my ex and I have either. Nor do I want us to. I want to create a wonderful history with you. I ache for that happy, healthy relationship that you and I have together. Don't you?

It is hard for those ex's that we have left behind to know that we have moved on and are able to be happy with someone else when we can't find the happiness we were seeking with them. I know that is why my ex thinks he wants me back- he has no one else to fill the void and he doesn't want me to have been able to create a good relationship with anyone other than him. He always loved and wanted me most when I wasn't around. But once I gave in, it was always the same.Then it was over again until next time. And foolishly, I kept going back. I don't want that anymore. I didn't think you did either. You and I are both good people and our ex's know it. There are things they don't like about who they are, and they think that by being with us, it will make them better people. It won't. Theyhave to do that on their own. They know they won't find anyone else like us. And that is okay.We don't have to carry their pain. We don't have to feel guilty or selfish for needing to say and do what is best for us. What we need to do is decide what path is best for us to have a happy healthy relationship ...and follow it.

If you haven't done it already, try some reflection. What did you learn last time you broke up? You have to be brutally honest. That is the only way you can solve this dilemma. Good luck with this.

I'm praying for you.......
Love H


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DATE: May 1, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

Hello my sweet.............This morning I read your email again very slowly and intently. You are so right about us......................yes,we are everything to each other that we have wished or asked for. Yes, you and I have come from a very similar bad place in our last relationship.......... The waters run deeper with Nathalie & I just based on timespent. I find myself feeling sorry for her................after being with you................we have a very strong maturity between us.(you & I)...............she is 10 yrs younger so..........that is easily explained I guess.................................however still an important new point in our favour.

I felt so good with you last night.................I wanted to kiss you.................strong & genuine................I need to feel that bond between us. I love how you are so positive.......................even when the cards are stacked against you. I love how you didn't show me anger or a nasty side when this just happened.I love that you still have faith in us....................I do too.I slept very peacefully last night....................no nightmares. I woke up this morning with that familiar warm feeling that comes from you & I.
I love you honey.
Have a wonderful day.
Hunterxoxoxoxx

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DATE: May 1, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter

So, can we chock this up to temporary insanity yet? I know you love me. You know you love me. I love you, and I want you as a part of my life. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake with you beside me every morning. Having had what we have so far, I can't imagine not having that, or going back to try and find that again with anyone else. I think we have been very lucky to find one another, and I truly believe that what we have together doesn't come along every day and that it has great potential to last forever. I think it would be a shame to throw it all away. It was wonderful to feel you and touch you and kiss you and hear you say you loved me and just to be with you last night. I hated leaving you. I wanted to go with you. I wanted you to come with me, but I didn't know where I stood with you in all of this. So I felt myself holding back. Something that I have never done with you ..........and I didn't like it. When I ask you if I would see you again, you said "Oh, I would imagine so..."(my heart did alittle flip) ..."we'll just have to see how this all turns out" (my heart did a complete flop).

I guess in my little love struck mind, I had hoped that you wanted to see me last night to profess your undying love and tell me that you had made your choice... that I was your choice and she was out of your life for good. I don't understand your confusion if you know and see that you and I are each what the other was looking for. My belief is that YOU and only you have the power to determine how this all turns out. You can't let either of us manipulate your thoughts and feelings. You know who each of us is and what each of us could/would bring to your life. Either way, no matter who you choose, someone is going to be hurt and you are going to feel badly for hurting one of us. It is an incredibly heady experience being pursued by one person, let alone two. It certainly is an ego booster, but there is a reason that you and I met and there is a reason that you haven't been with her for the past several months.

For the better part of 2 years I was in a relationship that was on again, off again. One day he wanted me, the next, he ended it. Then he would call me again. And foolishly, I kept going back. And even more foolishly, I moved in with him so that I could get the full effect of the total destruction. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to love and be loved. When he popped back into my life this past time, after e mails and hours of persuasion on his part, I didn't need to get back with him to know that it wasn't a good thing. I knew. By doing my pro and con list, remembering "what I had learned" and rereading old e mails. The vibes were bad. Inconsistent. Totally unbalanced. He made all sorts of promises that he truly believed, but I know he could never keep. I need you to be clear about what you want. I need you to be sure about if and where I fit in your life, because every time I hear from you, I think you have made a decision and then I realise you haven't yet.

I will not be one of two. I can't be. If you love me, you love me and we will make something wonderful together. If you love her, then you love her and hopefully you will make something wonderful together. Either way, in fairness to everyone you need to make up your heart and your mind. I hope you make the best decision for you. Love H

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DATE: May 2, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

I'm sorry honey..........I'm not enjoying this at all. making something wonderful with her is not a state of mind I have reached. Making something wonderful with you is a state of mind I have reached. Why such hesitation................I'm sorry...................its just going to take me some time.

I am so pre-occupied with other things right now...................I am just not thinking enough I guess.I'm not here to torment you. I will leave you alone until I figure things out. My subconscience tells me that is going to happen................I don't want your heart to flip flop. I realise that seeing you Sunday may just have made things worse......................for you. I want to make you happy........not make you sad. I will try hard to think this thing out quickly. Its like I need to go away for a while just to think.I will pray for guidance................I need some intervention. How did I let this happen?
love H

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DATE: May 2, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter

As hard as this is going to be not seeing or hearing from you until you figure it out...thank you.I know you are busy and have so much on your plate right now, and I don't mean to make it any harder for you, but ...I also have to do what is right for me.
I love you
H

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DATE: May 8, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter

good morning, weirdest thing happened this morning... I was eating breakfast in the kitchen, thinking about all of this when a thought came to me... we were both given a test... you prayed for me, I wished for you.I think the test is... are you ready for this?????
Do we really want what we ask for, and were given by God, the angels, the great Divine...

whomever it is that granted us our requests????? we each believe that we did get what we requested, the choice now is did we really mean it? do we truly want what we ask for, or were we just paying lip service to a dream that we never truly felt was attainable? that deep down, we didn't really want.

I was tested by sending my ex back for another crack, you are being tested by Nathalie being sent back for you to decide. the moment I thought this, there was a crashing of something falling in the apartment, it was the stars that hang in my living room............ maybe there is nothing to this, who knows.... the stars falling kind of seemed like a sign............ like acknowledgement that I had hit the nail on the head.... anyway it was just a thought, see how it sits with you. have a great day
love H

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DATE: May 8, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

I love you honey. Since yesterday, I have been in and out of some deep thought. I'm facing my fears.Your message may have some deep truth...............I felt that what we had was exactly what I wanted.I don't want the stars to fall from the sky. I have huge fears about a future with Nathalie. Today I am going to do the list. I have so much more trust in you.......................with my heart. I apologize for failing this very important test of our relationship. I need to get a handle on myself in this situation. I need to really think about it..................analyze it....................put in the time to face it. Have a wonderful day my sweet.You are on my mind & in my heart.
love Hunter

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DATE: May 8, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter

Hey Smart Man,
Glad to hear that you are finally going to sit down and do some deep thinking.

Good luck with that. I hope it gives you the clarity to do what you need to do for you.
I love you.
H
xoxoxox

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DATE: May 9, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

Hi....3:41 am....................hmm mm . I went to bed early after doing some work on the boat & visiting my brother.I have been at peace with myself since deciding to think things out properly. Not sleeping.........................oh well I've got some work to do anyway.It was such a nice night last night. I put on my main sail & tweaked the rigging. Hooked up my VHF radio & attached some seat covers......................it was relaxing and therapeutic.I want to get my feet on the ground and feel a little better about what I'm doing.sweet dreams
love Hunter

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DATE: May 12, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

Hi Huntress....You are sweet. I finally slept a little better last night. I need a few more of those to catch up. I think about you every day...............I hope you are happy & well.
Love Hunter


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DATE: May 14, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter
SUBJECT: While love is an emotion, it is also a choice

It has been two long weeks since you dropped the bomb....two weeks since Nathalie came into our lives....two weeks of me wondering...if and where I fit into your life. Wondering if and when you are going to make up your heart and your mind. Two weeks of wondering why I am not enough, and trying to figure out why she is. Two weeks of wondering what the hold is that she has on you that you can/won't shake. Two weeks of wondering where you are, what you are doing and if you are with her when you are not with me. I am assuming that since I didn't hear from you much this week that you were with Nathalie-correct me if I am wrong here- The way that I am looking at things is that right now, I am not feeling good about the way I am being treated and therefore it is time to speak up and deal with it. I don't like the position you have put me in ...of wondering, all the time wondering... will today be the day.....is he with her.....why am I not the one......why doesn't he love & respect me and what we had enough to choose me........to make this a priority to give us all some peace.

When making my decision with the ex this time, I didn't need/want to go back & try one more time.I had tried and tried and it would have been completely disrespectful to you and what we were creating together to go back to him in any capacity. I loved you and respected you and our relationship enough to listen to your advice and end things promptly, impersonally and permanently with him. I never went back and slept with him. That would have been disrespectful to you. I wouldn't do that. I didn't do that. My personal code of honour would never, ever, ever allow me to do that and I hoped for exactly the same from anyone I am with. I loved what we were building too much to jeopardise that By fucking her, you are also fucking me.

Basically, if you are sleeping with her, while you have sent me on my little sabbatical, then you have violated my trust. Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex. It means you sit down and figure it out before you do something that will change everything. I don't get it, and I certainly don't deserve it. I have been patient and respectful of your needs and our relationship and how I dealt with my ex and how I have waited for you to deal with Nathalie .I am feeling jealous, lacking in self worth, and not very respected at the moment and I don't like that you have made me feel that way at all. Last Sunday when we met, you gave me the impression that you were going to do the necessary work to come to some decision. I believed what you said. If you have come to a decision, I would have hoped that I meant enough to you for you to have shared your answer with me. IF youhaven't been able to come to a decision, maybe that in itself is your answer to me. I know with myself, I can't function with anything else properly until a problem like this is dealt with....it eats away at me completely until I make the time to solve it.

I am still at the point of wondering......IF what you and I had was what we both thought was what we wanted why haven't you made this a priority in your life to make a decision about the direction you are taking? Why are you keeping me hanging in there if you have no intention of being with me? You tell me you love me, but where are you? You tell me that you are going to sit down and give this situation the attention and time it deserves to settle it. Have you? I don't want you to be too busy to make me or us a priority. Here I am still waiting and wondering You either love me enough to be with me or you love her and want to be with her. Somehow, it appears to me that you would prefer to go back to what you had with Nathalie and toss it all with me. What is it that Nathalie brings to your life that I don't?

I shouldn't ever have to wonder what your feelings are for me. I deserve to be loved properly and respectfully. As do you. Your lack of interest/initiative/desire in dealing with this situation isn't being fair to you, me or Nathalie. I won't sit around everyday waiting for a call, and e mail, wondering where you are, if you are with her when you are not with me and why if there were enough things for you to end the relationship months ago what makes you think all of a sudden it will be good?

You are a smart man. How can you believe that what you once ended with Nathalie is miraculously going to work this time? Your relationship with Nathalie is always going to be the same.....the only time relationships change is when you change the person you are with. How can you love me one moment and want me in your life in every way, shape and form and the next day- poof! it's over. Bye Bye. Oh wait...........don't tell anyone that we aren't seeing eachother.....wait a week or two or 3 or 50 while I test out things with Nathalie again...........and then when the other shoe drops you can tell her it is over.....again........ and that is okay because we will still be 'seeing' each other and then you can pick up where we left off I am not going to be a lovesick fool begging for your love. Waiting for you to love me. Either you love me enough to want to continue a relationship with me, or you don't. I will not beg to be loved. Either it is there or it isn't.

I love you, but I won't be made to feel unworthy. I can't play the he loves me, he loves me not game again. It was so wonderful not to have any romantic stress in my life for a while. It made me actually believe that what we had was true love and it would stand the test of time and whatever else came our way. That what we both had been hoping for really did exist, and we had been lucky enough to finally find it. I wanted the good, the bad and the ugly with you and I thought you wanted that with me too I can't get back on any kind of emotional roller coaster , you need to get your feelings clear to be respectful to me, you and Nathalie.

Maybe you didn't really expect to find what you ask for in me....maybe you feel a little guilty and wishful that you and Nathalie could have had what you and I had so easily..... You say the biggest thing with you and Nathalie is your history. I am sure that due to the length of your relationship,what you had was deeper than what you and I have experienced so far. But there is also a reason, a history that made YOU choose not to be there. You tried to tune me out the second she came running back to you........... But you haven't quite been able to do it completely have you?

When I told you I loved you, to me that meant I love you and only you and I am prepared to commit myself to you completely. I know my feelings are strong and sure and I am thrilled to have found you, and can see a wonderful future together......................... Not until someone else comes along to test us, but possibly forever. What went wrong?

So, here is a trick IF you are still trying to figure things out. Forget about her and all her good qualities. Even forget the bad ones. Forget the excuses and the promises. Ask yourself one question only....Did she make you happy? Then do that with me. Here is another one...... IF you still suspect that a relationship with Nathalie is no good for you,but you aren't sure for some reason........... do this.... take a tape recorder, tell the story of your relationship into it.....play it back LOUD.....Imagine that one of your kids, or your best friend in the whole world is telling the story instead of you.......would you want better for them? Then do that with our relationship. IF it is impossible for you to think you deserve better try to at least believe your friend who knows you deserve better. I believe in you and I. I believe in everything we came to be to each other. I believe that what you and I have will not be offered again Love is not a mystery to solve, it is an experience to savour.

We have hit a speed bump. What we have/had can still be saved at this point, but IF you throw us away, it won't come back. it won't ever be the same. If you said to me, Huntress, I need a week to think things through, I could handle that. What I can't handle is that you think you need to go back to her 'until the other shoe drops' then you can end it again. I need you to clearly define for me what I am to you and what our relationship is or IF it is anymore.

If you were really into me, nothing would come between us......but something has. If you really wanted this to work with me, or for that matter with Nathalie you would be moving mountains to make it happen. I can't continue to do this. I need you to get your thoughts and emotions together and let me know please. thanks

Love Huntress

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DATE:May 14, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

Hi Huntress....I'm sorry for not being in touch...................I've just been taking some time...........No, I have not been spending time with Nathalie............I will respond later today, when I have some time.Happy Mothers Day.............Your kids are very lucky.
love Hunter

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INFO: We spoke on the phone later that day and he decided that it was definitely over.

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DATE:May 14, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter
SUBJECT:Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Hunter,
Good morning. I have laid awake, tossing and turning most of the night trying to understand what just happened,and while I haven't figured it all out yet, I needed to write you. My mom always taught me to write thank you notes when you were given a gift. What you and I had was a gift. To each other. One of the most perfect gifts that I have ever been lucky enough to receive. Knowing you , having had you as such a complete and amazing part of my life for the past little while has set the bar higher than it has ever been for me with relationships.

I now know what pure love and a great relationship feels like. Thank you. Thank you for not having been with Nathalie last week. I'm sorry about the jealousy thing. The whole thing got the better of me and the not knowing and the threat of losing you, of you choosing her over me was making my mind run in a direction I didn't like.

Thank you for making a decision. Even though it isn't the choice I would have made for you, a small, very small part of me understands this is something you must do. Don't feel any guilty for having made the choice you did. Obviously you still have more to learn with her. I love you. It has been great. Thank you for the wonderful memories I will take with me. I hope you find the love and happiness you deserve.

You are a truly wonderful man and I am honoured to have known you. Twice. It is unfortunate for both of us that we have been given this test again. I guess we aren't really smart at learning our lessons are we? Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again sometime and maybe we will have both learned the lessons we needed to before we meet again. I will think of you often. I wish you nothing but a life filled with love, laughter and happiness.

Love Huntress

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DATE: May 15, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

My Sweet Huntress...............Those are the nicest words anyone has ever said to me. You really are a very sweet, wonderful woman.I too had trouble sleeping last night.........................thinking that it is over for us.My most difficult thoughts were about how I see you & I as soul-mates. The way when we look in each
other's eyes we know................ The way we are there for each other on all levels. How good we feel cuddled up for the night......................the feeling of contentment with your warm, soft skin against mine.................your kisses & how I could kiss you all night.................this isn't helping is it??

Your intelligence and how I love discussing things with you...................how we agree on so many important things in life.Your demeanor.............your loving kindness. How non-threatening you are with me.How an email from you can just make my day.....................there's more............Huntress.........I admire your way of dealing with things .I hate that I broke your heart....under any circumstances............that's not who I want to be.Of course, I also have my experiences with & about you in a safe place in my heart..................and without a doubt.....you have raised the bar for me too.I am becoming aware of the way I am feeling now verses before.............I was stronger, happier more positive-minded when we were sailing along............confident and supportive of each other.I'm not trying to pull your chain ......................you must put me behind you................so you are not tormenting over it. I'm just not there yet with figuring it all out....nor am I confident that this is the right thing to do.

I haven't done my list yet................or prayed for guidance...............I miss you.
Love Hunter

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INFO: And so, we got back together for a bit.......but it didn't feel right.....His heart wasn't fully in it

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DATE: June 9, 2006
FROM:Huntress
TO:Hunter

Hey,
I hope you didn't feel that I was out of line last night trying to tell you what to do and how to handle your life. I would never do that. I'm not trying to be bitchy, just help you see things from another perspective. YOU must do whatever YOU need to do for YOU. I must admit to being selfish in asking you to do what I need to be done for my well being and sanity. Yours too, obviously, but I am asking for me. You surprised me when you said you didn't realise that this was bothering me. When I am in a relationship, I give myself completely. I don't know how to do otherwise. And I
hate holding myself back right now. Protecting my heart.

I love you. We had something completely awesome going and then it was gone. Poof! You tell me you are going to have a relationship with Nathalie and then you call me and tell/show me that you love me, and that it isn't working with her, yet I don't know where your heart and mind are. How could it not bother me? Let's put the shoe on the other foot for a moment........reverse the scenario......Last summer, I went back to my ex You went back to Nathalie. We both got smart and decided that we needed to do what was right and good and healthy for us,and we broke up with them. Tried to get our lives on the right track You and I got together in February. Created something truly wonderful.

I decided when my ex asked in April that yes, I needed to give this one more shot. You decided that Nathalie was not the person that you felt good about being with- You choose me. I felt right and good, and I was where you felt you belonged. Sorry Hunter. I love you. I know that what you and I have is awesome and I have never had a relationship as good as what you and I have, but I need to go and torture myself a little more, because he and I had this awful fight and I said some bitchy things and now I feel really guilty about what I said to him. He is still exactly the person I left,even though he claims to have made, or be willing to make all these changes to get me back, and I can't see that there is any hope for this because I don't feel good about my world when I am with him, but he wore me down, and I figured out the best way to shut him up was to try again.

You cry lots of tears and try to figure out what the hell just happened and how you should deal with it all. You and I waffle back and forth for a few weeks while I am seeing him. You have no idea where things are with my ex and I, but every once in a while, you and I get together, spend the night. Enjoy each others company completely. Then you don't hear from me for a while. What do you do? You assume that I have moved forward with my ex. You cry lots of tears and try to figure out what the hell just happened and how you should deal with it all. You don't contact me, because, obviously, I have made my choice, and for reasons you just don't get, it was not you. What should you do? Wait until I come to my senses and he does something stupid enough to piss me off so that I will dump him and hopefully come back to you? Move on to someone else? A few weeks later completely out of the blue, I call you. I come over. It is wonderful to see you. I tell you I love you. I have this perpetual smile on my face. I call you a couple of days after that,and a couple after that. Obviously, I love you. Obviously I love spending time with you. I tell you that I have realised that I fucked things up between you and I, and apologise for my stupidity. But you wonder. Need to know. What does it all mean? Where is this heading? Where is my ex in all of this? Am I still involved with him? Have we made our final break, or is he still there when I am not with you?

Where do you stand in all of this? Should you wait it out a little longer in hopes that I will come to my senses? You want so badly to reinvest your heart and soul, but you are afraid of having it ripped out from your chest again, and you aren't willing to do that again, unless I know where I want/need to be.
to be continued........................ Does that make it any clearer putting yourself in my place? At this point, I am ready, willing and able to forgive an forget. Chalk it up to something you needed to do. But, if what you say is true........ that you love me and know we have something wonderful that you would like to continue, and that not having me in your life isn't something that you want to do......... and you know that I want to believe you completely......... then I need you to completely break things off with Nathalie........... or break things off completely with me. I love you. I want to be with you. But only if you know, and are sure that I am where you want to be.
love Huntress

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INFO: He spoke with Nathalie and ended it. One more time...

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DATE: June 9, 2006
FROM:Huntress
TO:Hunter

HI,
Me again...... Thank you for talking with Nathalie. I am sure it wasn't an easy thing for you to do. I hope you feel good about it, and that she is able to accept and understand your decision. I love you.
xxoxoxo
Huntress

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DATE:June 12, 2006
FROM: Hunter
TO:Huntress

Hi Huntress..........I read this email you sent to me very clearly and methodically.I had trouble with myself when it came to the "are you really sure this is what you want to do" part. I do not consider you to be being "bitchy"......just looking out for yourself & your feelings. As far as "what I need to do for me" goes.....................I guess that just hasn't been coming clearly to me......................not consistently anyway. My dilemma has been trying to make a choice and knowing that I will be good with that choice.honestly, right now, I think I'm emotionally upset..................knowing what I am doing with both you & with Nathalie. I don't think I can be truly fair to you making the choice I made right now.

I think I really badly want to do "something"........................just not so sure I can live with the consequences. I have come to the decision that I have to be fair to you by "completely breaking it off" with you. Our talk the other night gave me a sense of what I needed to do......................but I think I have perhaps made myself sick over this whole thing. Please forgive me.I think it may be a blessing for you.......as I figure out my own life without involving you in it.Huntress.......you give a whole new meaning for me of the word: Sweetheart.......................sweet........heart............ that is you in so many ways.

Love Hunter

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DATE: June 12, 2006
FROM: Huntress
TO:Hunter

Sadly, I'm not at all surprised to have received this e mail. I was afraid to re attach, and you were being distant and different. It was great while it was great. I guess this is truly it. Take care. Have a great life. Be happy. You deserve it.
love H